When you're old and doddery like me it's really important to keep working yer muskules, or they will just give up. Set goals and it's fun reaching them. Today I managed to achieve a cycling goal - making a speed camera show me a red grumpy face - 31kph!

Wrinkly, saggy butt? Just grab hold with both hands and nobody will notice and you can tell gravity to fuck off!!

Mono Monday is a bit weird, "Mono" is a prefix meaning single, one, or alone, if our pics were monochrome they would be just totally black or totally white. My brains takes me to odd places some times.

How can it be Mono Monday again? These weeks are going too quickly!

Come closer and I’ll whisper a secret!

Someone once tried to convince me of the existence of the Sky Fairy because of the design perfection of the human body - nah, not having that old bollocks, she didn’t make tongues long enough!

Lucky I had drunk my coffee! Imagine going to the hospital and explaining that I ‘accidentally’ dipped my todger into hot coffee.

It’s a very lovely day here, minimal clothing (none) needed outside.

Lovely warm weather for a nice naked, nude, coffee outside!

Sometimes you have to put the coffee cup down - it’s only 2 hours until beer o’clock!

Yep, afternoon coffee is nice! I was thinking of going outside but it’s too hot - I told you I would be moaning about the heat now the weather has warmed up and gone Spanish!

Remember chaps, coffee is not just for the early morning, afternoon coffee is perfectly acceptable (as long as you’re wearing the correct outfit).

I was awake really early again this morning, so I drank coffee and took pictures of my naked, nude self with that coffee - what else can a chap do at 4.30 in the fecking morning?

Why didn’t someone tell me it was Saturday, I thought it was Friday and the Women’s 6 Nations Rugby was on the telly tomorrow. It’s today! I love Rugby, and despite what some misogynistic wankers say, the women’s game is fucking brilliant.

Two hands are good, but imagine if the sky fairy had had made human beans like octopussies, 8 arms! Think of the fun we could have!

How many cups of coffee is too many? I reckon once you get past 10 then maybe that’s when you need to slow down a bit. Of course if you are one of those deviants who puts cream, sugar or the worst crime of all, syrup, into coffee then 1 is too many for you, stop it!

Yay! Another day, another chance at trying to be better than yesterday and not being a cunt. If only the lunatics in charge of the asylum would try that. Imagine if the orange monster woke up one day and decide to not be a cunt - the world could relax a bit.

What a rebel eh? All my clouts casted and May is not out!

Not quite Summer yet, so my Spring dressing gown has replaced my thick Winter one. Like the old saying goes - "N'er cast a clout till May is out”, yeah fuck that I will cast my clouts whenever I want!

As it’s Friday I suppose I should make an effort with a FCF post. That would be fair because I love looking at all your beautiful FCF submissions, I love them all. Don’t forget it doesn’t have to be fat to be fabulous!

Good morning, afternoon, evening or whatever it is where you are in the world, or if you don’t believe in time zones and that the world is flat then - bye, see you!

Did I break Bluesky? I expect I did, I’m a clumsy fucker, always breaking things, so I’ll take the blame.

I need some fashion advice. Do my tits look big in this outfit? I think they do!

At last! The Naked Nude Coffee Club can start meeting outside. The weather has been very un-Spanish recently, flippin’ chilly, now it’s warming up - so I’ll soon be complaining about the heat. (I’m English, moaning about the weather is what we do).

The kitchen worktop is just the right height.

Two hands holding onto the precious - my espresso sized coffee cup!

My left side always looks like it needs ironing when I wake up, must be my age and that bastard, gravity, wrinkling me up while I sleep!

Today I’m going to do a little bit more than I did yesterday, that seems like a good plan. 4 weeks into my ‘Do a bit more, eat a bit less’ routine, I’ve lost 3kgs and my body fat has gone from 27% to 24%. In 6 months the blood tests will see if my cunning plan has worked.

It’s Monday, I think, I don’t know, it might be? It feels like a Monday, so it probably is.

I feel a bit sepia this morning. I’ll colour up a bit when I’ve had my 4th cup!

Behind the scenes at the Naked Nude Coffee Club - the hard work that goes into making a cup of coffee😜

People will think I do nothing but drink coffee in a naked, nude, unclothed state! I suppose it’s nice to have a hobby?

Remember when the stupids said coffee was bad for you? The same sort of stupids who are anti-vaccines - silly cunts, I’m old enough to know people who suffered with Polio. Fucking stupids eh? Luckily the brainy folks have realised just how good coffee is, yay brainies!

Lucky escape this AM. One of the sample pods with my new machine was fucking decaffeinated and I nearly drank it! What is the point? It’s like zero fat yoghurt, alcohol free beer, vegan bacon - crimes against nature! I have even heard that some deviants add sugar to their coffee, nasty!😜

We need an AGM of the NNCC, all the naked, nude coffee drinkers in one room - or even an auditorium, there’s millions of us! Oooh, imagine all that coffee and all those cocks!

And relax….

I bought a capsule coffee machine for when I'm feeling too lazy to grind, level, tamp, clean etc. Being a lefty, woke, socialist I've been waiting for a proper recycling company to start in Spain before I goo one of these. My verdict? It's not bad.

It was 4am, I was thinking how shit democracy was (Brexit, Trump, Blue Labour), but like that cigar smoking bloke said ‘democracy is the worst form of government, except for all those other forms’. Oh well, I’ll just have another coffee and hope I wake up and it was all a bad dream.

..ok, so there’s a train coming, I’ll move when I’ve finished my coffee!

…if the Naked Nude Coffee Club had a research library. No need for a research department, I have researched and my theory is that coffee is great, naked coffee is better.

Playing with Photochop, checking out locations to have a nice naked, nude cup of coffee.

It’s Sunday, so treat yourself to an extra cup of coffee!

I like Sundays, even though I’m retired and don’t have to work, Sundays still seem special. Taking a deep breath of that Sunday air and getting outside, hola’ing all the people you meet, putting troubles behind you - ha ha, the photo is my 🍑behind! OK, not hilarious but I’m easily amused!

Silly? Absolutely, really silly, but it's my time and I'll waste it however I want!

When I wake up so fecking early, what else can I do except drink coffee and take rude pictures of myself to inflict on the internet? A chap has to have a hobby eh?

Just in case I get official complaints for not being naked in my NNCC posts. Have a lovely day everybody, I have a feeling it’s going to be a good one!

Good morning (or whatever time it is where you are), sexy creatures. Stupid summer time change means it’s fecking dark here until after 7.30 am, and the Spanish time zone is 1 hour wrong, oh well, everything else is good - go Pedro!

What time is it? I don’t know, the clocks have changed for Spring - they do it just to annoy and confuse me! One year when I was young and even more stupid I set my clock the wrong way and went to work 2 hours early - yeah, you had to set your clocks and watches manually in those days!

One problem with waking up at 4am is finding something to do - found something!

.. one more.