The term “headshots” needs to be replaced in one of its potential meanings. Either I’m confused about how photographs of your face are necessary for a sniper at war or about why an acting audition would begin by murdering the actor.

“Passive-aggression” is defined by conservatives as ‘putting razorblades inside candy apples on Halloween’.

In 1992, Tim Robbins wrote, directed, and starred in the most accurate and evergreen American political satire ever produced. It’s been out of print for decades. It’s unavailable for streaming. If you want to watch it, bootleg copies on YouTube are the only way. Watch it before it vanishes again.

Turquoise-pilled: When a podcast convinces you to move to Arizona.

Okay, guys, we’re gonna line up alphabetically. I’m telling you this in advance because I know how you can get. I don’t want to hear any of your guff this time. Alright, so line up, fellas. No, not like that. I know you heard me. Switch places right now, you two. Neal, before Zod.

There is a large discrepancy between the number of characters in movies and tv shows named “Jack” and the number of actual people named “Jack” that I’ve encountered in my life. Jacks are drastically overrepresented in media.

There is this thing that DoorDash and Uber Eats drivers do now where they take a picture of your food in their dirty passenger seat when they’ve picked it up and are on their way. I don’t care for it. It feels like they’ve got my food hostage in their Toyota Corolla and are sending me proof of life.

The most frustrating part of America is not that it wants you to work for nothing. It’s that it wants you to be grateful for the “opportunity” and quiet about the consequences.

Every high school party in a movie is the biggest high school party that has ever happened.

I sometimes have atypical reactions to films. For example, despite long loving the movie overall, my biggest takeaway from repeated adult rewatchings of “Groundhog Day” is that “sweet vermouth on the rocks with a twist” is an objectively repulsive and bizarre thing to order at the bar. Yuck.

6-Point Reform Plan For Gotham City 1: Tax Bruce Wayne/Wayne Industries 2: Close Arkham Asylum/Replace With Non-Torturous, Non-Medieval Mental Health Clinic 3: Expand Social Services 1000% 4: Ban Opening Galas & Charity Events 5: Institute Massive Anti-Corruption Policies 6: Kill The Batman

Remember when Colonel Sanders was just randomly Norm Macdonald for like a year once? Nothing has made sense for quite a long time.

Question about “28 Years Later” feral rage zombies: Is the Alpha zombie the Alpha because he has a huge dick or does the dick give him the confidence which allows him to be the Alpha zombie? Actually, most of my questions about these movies at this point involve socio-psychological penis dynamics.

Once the US loses reserve currency status due to extreme, psychotic mismanagement and international chaos aggression, all of those girls who put “Live, Love, Laugh” on their walls are going to file their teeth into sharp points and ravage interstate commerce routes.

I feel like not enough people know about “The Moon Woke Up”. What starts as a simple animation experiment transforms across multiple episodes into a big social satire/sci-fi saga that just keeps getting weirder and more creative all the time. Episodes are still being released. Fantastic.

The Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies feel like something that I barely remember from a dream in a past life in a parallel dimension.

I still don’t know who the hell this Molly girl was, but she must’ve taken so much goddamn ecstasy in the 90’s that nothing was ever the same.

I feel like I spent the first half of my life being promised that, in the future, we would all get to go to space, and then the second half being lectured about why it’s okay that we can’t even afford basic healthcare. Someone stole our Jetsons future and their name is spelled R-I-C-H P-E-O-P-L-E.

I’m trying (and struggling) to catch up on the movies I missed last year. I had to turn off “Song Sung Blue”, because it just made me sad, and now I’ve had to turn off “Rental Family” because it made me sick. What a reprehensibly off-putting film about exploiting and manipulating lonely people. Feh!

Trying to watch “Song Sung Blue” but the guy bringing a guitar to an AA meeting and singing Neil Diamond songs messed me up. I cannot stop thinking about how fucking bizarre that would be. Might be the most Florida thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life. That it’s a true story makes it even worse.

People love to say that the early bird catches the worm, but it’s all a matter of perspective. The early worm gets eaten first.

The quickest and most reliable way to lose my respect is to tell me that your favorite band is The Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Christ, I hate naps. I literally never dream unless I take a nap. Which is good, because dreams are just awful, uniformly. Stupid rem sleep. Why does my brain want me to experience the full panic of losing my favorite cat at a Fuddrucker’s during Dragon Con? What is gained from this simulation?

Carsie Blanton’s new album is the only good thing that’s happened this year.

Despite 2025 being over, I want to retroactively add “Dust Bunny” to my favorite films of the year. I truly have no idea what possessed Bryan Fuller to make this thing, but it’s the most aggressively, whimsically grim and inappropriately dark children’s film I’ve ever seen. It’s just wonderful.

Whenever I log into Facebook, I’m always fascinated by the crossover of people who I went to high school with that exist at the axis of: x- conservative Y- trying to turn their children into sports collectibles Spoiler: it’s basically all of them.

If I could, I would give a copy of Bioshock and a full set of Transmetropolitan graphic novels to every single person in America. They’re both coming true right before our goddamn eyes.

Oh god, don’t tell me this.

You know, I can see the value in being humbled, but… that’s probably about enough, universe. I’m good.

Presented without comment.

I really want to start alarming the generations below me about reaching middle age. I’ve had the phrase “two loose grapes in a Crowne Royal sack” loaded in the chamber and ready to shoot for a while now.

I remember when the movie “Elysium” came out and people found it overly broad and unrealistically grim. How you feelin’ now, guys? Still seem unlikely to you that we are headed directly towards living inside that film? Uh huh. That shit is going to be a documentary one day.

Dilbert has died. That one last Monday was just too much for him.

Conservatives really, really don’t like this point, but I maintain regardless that there is an argument to be made that defrauding Medicare is just about the most American thing that you could do.

The rightwing tech bros that rule the world love to joke about converting all of the poor into biodiesel to power the buses, but the joke is on them, because if they get rid of the poor, then who the fuck is going to be riding on buses? Checkmate, eugenicists.

You know, I like “My Hero Academia”, but the fact that both villains and heroes seem to be constantly seized by the irresistible compulsion to describe, in depth, the functions and weaknesses of their powers to their opponents, gets old pretty quick. Why are you telling them how to beat you?

Something that cracks me up about the Lord of the Rings trilogy is that, amidst this huge epic saga, they still somehow find time to tell this whole damn “he’s just not that into you” subplot with Aeowyn and Aragorn, where she falls for him, but he’s like, nah, I have an immortal Liv Tyler at home.

One of my favorite bad reviews ever came from Kurt Loder reviewing “X-Men: Dark Phoenix” for Reason, where he said that “There are several things wrong with the film. I’m tempted to say that everything is wrong with it, except that it seems to be largely in focus and the credits spelled correctly”.

Yeah, fuck that year.

“How To Train Your Dragon” is a lovely story about the younger generation teaching the older a better way. Learning to be more open, compassionate, and empathetic. Turns out, that was wildly, wildly over-optimistic. I can’t even teach my Mom that Nigerians aren’t responsible for all of her problems.

I spent large portions of my youth trying not to slide off of plastic slipcover couches.

Streaming services need to do like YouTube used to do and start asking if a commercial is relevant or annoying to us. I am seriously about one more Skyrizi commercial away from swearing a blood oath of vengeance against Peacock.

Ever since I read that Ron Howard had to hire CIA torture resistance trainers to work with Jim Carrey to overcome the prosthetic panics that came with playing The Grinch, I can’t stop wondering if the kid who played child Grinch got the same training. Because Jim Carrey has never been the same.

I’m calling it right now… Shotgun. Double cross infinity. No takebacksies. Bighead mode/paintball. Jynx.

With time and trial, the southern in me comes out. *presses play on “Ernest Saves Christmas”*

I just want to get through one Christmas without my mother retroactively deciding that I have ruined all Christmases; past, present, and future. Because dinner is late or it’s missing cranberry sauce or I’m in the hospital or fifty other things that were either out of my hands or simple mistakes.

We should put more thought and effort into our superstitions. Make them more fun and contemporary. Like: -If you see a UFO on Christmas, an angel dies.

I’m watching Die Hard 2. I’m watching it for three reasons: 1- Because I’ve seen Die Hard too much. 2- Because naked William Sadler tai-chi is funny to me. 3- Because some Christmases simply require you to Die Harder.

Home Alone 2: Lost In New York would be a very different film if Kevin didn’t have access to his Dad’s seemingly unlimited credit card. He’d be hanging out with hookers in the Bowery and trying to dodge the Sticky Bandits by fleeing into the sewers with the mole people. Actually, it may be better.

Humbug