s t r e t c h

#Queekisms Bruh imagine organising the bills in a Sylvanian household. “Okay. Food shop sorted, rent ready. Oh! And we’ll pull something out of savings to mend the roof. By the way, granddad, you’re fine to do the blood tax this month right?”

#Queekisms No but seriously they have.

You should all come to Sylvania. We have conditioned our ‘subjects’ to simply accept that one day, they will be food.

I used to eat more often, when I was hiding amongst the humans. Fresh blood made me seem more alive. But I have no reason to hide anymore.

The older a Vampire (of my type) is, the less often they need to feed. Think of it like losing your appetite as you age. But without withering away like old mortals do.

I am.

Before the other day, I last consumed someone say. Fifteen years ago? Ish?

You need to feed regularly to survive? Amateurs.

This hero is so undeadphobic. It honestly makes me sick to my stomach.

Yes! I proudly defend the undead! Because I support the parents, grandparents, great-grandparents and even more distant ancestors who made this nation what it is today.

#Queekisms I have to write him like a simp because he is one

ɪɴ ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ, ᴡᴇ sʜᴀʟʟ ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ ᴘᴀʀᴛ.

I would say. Hm. Ah! I would say I am the ideal candidate.

missing the wifey hours

Karl-Franz is capable, stubborn, and charming. Boris is capable, stubborn, and boarish. Really, the only differences between them are tact and religion.

Oh! You mean in the actual election. It’s a dead heat between Karl-Franz and Boris Todbringer. I am… …announcing my run later in the race.

If you don’t want a puppet, then you should vote for me. Duh.

Evil. It’s such a loaded and subjective term.

They are not. But there’s a certain chance that one of the candidates are definitely under their influence.

Carsteins wish to rule you. Blood Dragons wish to fight you. Necrachs wish to torture you. Strigoi wish to make you depressed. Lahmians wish to control you. That’s about the ‘gist’.

I already did this explanation. I am sparing my brain from doing it again.

12 — The Lahmians are basically the manipulators of the Vampires. They’re utterly beautiful and extremely cunning. Preferring influence to power. They basically wanna restore the OG Vampire society under Neferata. Cus they openly hang w/humans, their weakness is basically getting caught.

11 — The Necrarchs are basically the nerds of the Vampires who’ve sacrificed physical strength and martial skill for being overpowered magically. They’re obsessed with everything arcane and even scientific. They kinda believe in an undead world but are so paranoid they don’t work together for it.

10 — The Strigoi are basically the bestial nature of Vampires let loose. They’re big and super powerful physically, but they’re very fractured and a bit prone to being animalistic or crazy. They had their own land once, but it’s long gone and they all kinda mope around remembering their hay day.

9 — The Blood Dragons are basically a fallen knight’s chapter. They’re all about valour and martial prowess over everything else. (Or at least their twisted ideas of them). Downsides? They don’t really work together and they’re basically mid at everything outside of fighting and leading armies.

8— The Von Carstein bloodline are basically the rulers of the Vampires. They’re all pretty political and they think in terms of borders, prestige, and power. Ruling over stuff. Abilities wise: They’re the most adaptable of the bloodlines. Defined more by personalities than abilities.

The stupid name is not the biggest issue with these tights wearing, smug attitude having, ring needing morons.

Humanity, all three of the elven species, all of dwarfdom, the orks, goblins, skaven, ogres, chaos gods, demons, champions and associated followers, most of his own family, the other vampire broods, tomb kings, rival necromancers and Steve.

I like this guy's policies.

Only through me will the undead gain fair representation and rights. Also there will be free smoothies.

#Queekisms Okay true But now explain away the increasing undead numbers and the flag that screams ‘I am a vampire’

See this bigotry, voters? This enemy of DEMOCRACY ITSELF would deny me my right to vote simply for being myself. This is why you must vote for me. Show the intolerant that we can be better! That we can be an open society! That when they go low, we MUST go high! #VLAD2028

#Queekisms Vlad — undercover as a ruling nobleman of the Empire for centuries Also Vlad — is very pale, only came out at night, ruled a region troubled by missing peasants and the undead, literally had a bat on a blood red field as the banner of his imperial house.

In the next Imperial election: Vote Von Carstein for Emperor. Only through Vlad can we be united.

I have never ‘rigged’ an election. I simply insist upon the dead’s right to vote.

SILENCE, LICHE.

Thank you, random citizen.

How does he know this will be an election year? When an election is only triggered by an Emperor’s death? Spoilers.

Vote Vlad in this year’s imperial election! For a leader who’ll crush Vamphobia.

I share with my wife, thank you very much.

I fear no hippie.

I have altered the deal.

(Weeeee! Whack! Ow! Recovers. Raises a small undead army). My turn.

I fear nothing. Apart from one of Settra’s self-centred monologues.

#Queekisms Sometimes you just have to write out your own comedy

As the youth of today’s fallen age say, ‘Bring it on’.

I fear no mere desert despot.