I'd go to more prayer breakfasts if they served bottomless mimosas.

Literally the only hill I’m willing to die on.

Back in my day, we just called them proctologists.

Kids today wouldn't believe that during every U.S. presidential administration, someone would publish a paperback of the president's quotes, titled "The Wit and Wisdom of _____________ ."

Oddly, unscented.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m not very happy with Little Pharma either right now.

… where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain …

OVALTINE TRAITOR! OVALTINE TRAITOR!

With Trump, the buck only stops in his pocket.

You don’t want to know how he smuggled it out of the deli.

Norman Re-Bates.

Going to class reunions is like visiting progressively sadder wax museums.

I still went Medieval Knievel on it.

Jumping Jack Flashpoint:

Not to brag, but I also aced my cognitive testing for dementia this month.

The past decade is like the Fake Moon Landing conspiracy theory — except directed by Ed Wood instead of Stanley Kubrick.

Former Vice President Thomas R. Marshall once said what this country needs is a really good 5-cent cigar. Today what this country needs is a really long Silkwood Shower.