You guys, I know it's a cold case with no new leads in over 36 years, but I think I've cracked the Anselmo case.

You guys, I know it's a cold case with no new leads in over 36 years, but I think I've cracked the Anselmo case.

Wait, so "best behavior" includes "spontaneously and violently beating the everloving shit out of any techbro you happen to come across, right in front of those surveillance cameras, just to make the point very, very clear"? Noted.

*Every* artistic industry. The money people pretend that they're the ones risking the most and that's why they get much more than the people actually *producing* (for essentially nothing unless it hits) what they're selling. (Monica already pointed this out in her blog post, I'm not nudging her.)

I just got my royalty statement for The Actual Star for the first half of 2025. Four years after publication, it sold 492 new copies, for a take-home royalty payment of $425.46 USD. For perspective on these figures, please read this piece I wrote last year:

I spent the summer reporting this essay on why it seems harder than ever to sell a book right now—especially if it isn't a debut and comes with the dreaded "sales track." I'm grateful to the writers, agents, editors, publishers & experts who spoke to me for this piece: thewalrus.ca/the-publishi...

My dear, dear, neighborhood stoner friends: there is a particular distinction between "Of course it's right that it's legal!" and "Of course it's not annoying as fuck to have to smell it every-fucking-where, every-fucking-day, when you just want to have a nice walk with your dog and/or kid."

I do have books you can buy. They are, in fact, excellent books that people who like to read fun, funny, interesting, magical, exciting, scary, tearjerking sci-fi or fantasy kind of stuff like to read. Buy 'em! The Books2Read universal link below… #WriteSky #BookSky💙📚 #Books #SFF #urbanFantasy

Writer: writes a piece on the publishing industry where the intro is about a book published in 1970 that got nowhere until the 90s. Some guy: "But…anything new? Isn't this how it's been for decades?" Yeah, dude. That's why she started with 1970 and wrote "Nothing new since" 100 times after that. 🙄

Hmm. How about a more honest version…?

I mean, I just thought we all knew that was a blanket statement regardless of what "this" refers to.

Turns out my natural default of not signing up for Angsty Semi-Rebellion with my Gen X peers was a successful adaptation for not ending up a complete asshole. I mean, sure, I had my own *personal* angst, but I wasn't spreading it around, and I wasn't chowing down on the angst of the X zeitgeist.

"unashamedly commercial fiction that's also a bit weird" Hi. ✋

Okay, so we're all agreed, nobody engages with anybody on the Top 1000 list until we've completely swapped it out with the next 1000, right?

Benjamin Butthole Disease.

Adam and the Antonin Scalias

Look, I *get* it, you want to lionize the folks "on our side." Perfectly natural, totally understandable. But doing the same hyperbolic poorly-informed and/or intentional bullshit that "the other side" does, just with the names/situations swapped, Mad Libs style? It's not doing you any favors.

One post: "No, modern 'cancellation' ISN'T like what Spinoza went through AT ALL." 100% agree, it's a dumb analogy. Quote poster: "Yeah, OUR equivalent to Spinoza would be [literally anyone they might name], obvs!" …no. No, that's not how this works. Please don't try to "take back" the analogy.

Teen at the bookstore: "Ooh, Harry Potter…!" 10yo sister/cousin/friend: "Oh! Hm. What house would I be in?" Teen: "You'd be Ravenclaw." 10yo: "Really??" 🤩 Teen: 🤔 "Hmm. No…you'd be Hufflepuff." 10yo: "Oh." ☹️ Teen: ☺️ "I'D be Gryffindor." I have never wanted to punch a teenage girl in the face more.

The frequent discussions of "how can we have a looser, decentralized, more easily accessible social media thing for 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦" completely ignores those of us who aren't big fans of social media in the first place and don't really know that many different people on/through it.

Gotta admit, one of my favorite things is when someone asks "What's your favorite [character from pop culture phenomenon X]?" and people start sincerely coming back with answers I never would've guessed anybody was *that* into. Had a friend in LA whose favorite Star Wars guy was Lobot. Yeah: Lobot!

The thing about the Rapture—y'know, other than it being a steaming load of bullshit—is that I'd be utterly unconcerned with which direction I "went": If I were raptured, then obviously I was right about how I should live my life, and all the other folks with me will be like-minded. If not: …ditto.

Just struck me that Gillian Anderson might be, in and of herself, a solid metaphor for what Hollywood's done over the last 30 years. She was a realistically beautiful human being (with plenty of talent) and gradually became an astonishingly beautiful godlike shapeshifter (with plenty of talent).

As a guy who in fact worked briefly as a Bubblologist—doing school presentations and birthday parties and stuff and, yeah, putting kids inside giant bubbles while teaching them science—I can confirm from experience that this is both literally *and* metaphorically true.

One post: "No, modern 'cancellation' ISN'T like what Spinoza went through AT ALL." 100% agree, it's a dumb analogy. Quote poster: "Yeah, OUR equivalent to Spinoza would be [literally anyone they might name], obvs!" …no. No, that's not how this works. Please don't try to "take back" the analogy.

Whenever PR/marketing material happily declares some quantity is, e.g., "over 37" I always stop and think for a minute. Like, we're a civilization that runs on base 10. "Over 30," I see what you mean; "almost 40," I get why you do it. But "over 37"? So…38? 39? Why not just say the exact number…? 🤔

Totally checks out.

"I'm a DRAGON!" squeaks the shaved troll doll that's been left on the radiator overnight. "Fear me!" it burbles through its melted, deformed face.

My son: "A is for apple!" Me: "Cool!" Him: "B is for baby!" My wife: "What's C for?" Me: "Plastic explosive."

This is all it is. This is ALL there is to say about it. "Debate" doesn't determine facts, distill truth, or change minds. It scores points. That's how it works in academia—e.g. debate clubs/teams—and that's what absolute fucking IDIOTS at the national political level have modeled it after. QEFD.

Nobody gets outta my dreams and gets into my car anymore and that's…probably for the best, considering the characters in some of my dreams lately.

Casting notice title: "Looking for Marvel character impressions!" Me: whipping this 👇 bad boy out. Casting notice: is actually voiceover only, and Jeff Goldblum's Grandmaster only, both of which I can do, but not for fifty goddamn bucks.

"We have to do it now" 🎵SOMEone's GETting DESPerATE…🎶 Choke on it, motherfucker. 🖕

Thanks to Infocom and RPGs, I have a particular set of what *some* folks would call "issues" when it comes to carrying items around with me, but *I* call "advantages" to selecting and maintaining my inventory.

This was SO big for us back in junior high. I gave it a shot as an adult and…honestly, just couldn't stomach the writing. I'm happier to keep the fond memories of how much we loved it as kids/teens. My friends and I went as Dragonlance characters for our last real Trick-or-Treating year.

This photo is misleading. When I was a kid, we had 8-tracks. More bizarrely, I honestly couldn't even tell you what my dad (who was a musician, among other things) would've popped into the car if it was just me and him. Based on the 8-tracks we had, I think my mom and sisters made those decisions.

Chant idea for the protesters, since it seems to matter to the roid-raging fucks in camo: [À la the Chordettes'* "Lollipop":] "Tiny dicks, tiny dicks, oh, tiny tiny dicks… Tiny dicks, tiny dicks, oh, tiny tiny dicks… Tiny dicks, tiny dicks, oh, tiny tiny dicks… Tiny dicks! [POP!] Just microscopic…"

Look, I know this is entirely predicated on, y'know, "winning" all this and coming out the other end largely intact, but one BIG difference between now and 90 years ago is that practically everyone everywhere has a tiny portable television studio in their pocket and all of the evidence is on video.

Stuck Home Syndrome? 🤔

Just sayin', since we finally got a chance to watch it last night: I'm lookin' at YOU, season finale of Foundation. 😒

"But they'll just claim it's AI generated video and get off scot free!" My fine feathered friends, if we TRULY win this, "AI generated video" will not be a thing we have to worry about.

That militant thug pushing innocent people around won't see your "small penis" jibe, but your friends with tiny penises will. (I'm kidding, of course. All of your friends are almost as well-hung as I am. Carry on.) (Also, I'm pretty obnoxious about tiny dick jokes when a gas guzzler rumbles by.)

Look, I know this is entirely predicated on, y'know, "winning" all this and coming out the other end largely intact, but one BIG difference between now and 90 years ago is that practically everyone everywhere has a tiny portable television studio in their pocket and all of the evidence is on video.

"We are going to have to live here with each other." Not if they win, dipshit.

I worked for that third dude¹ a few times². The hours were shit³ and he had a cash flow problem⁴ 'cause he kept getting his allowance taken away⁵, but his mom made great snacks⁶. ¹ metaphorically. ² hyperbolically.. ³ not metaphorically. ⁴ not metaphorically. ⁵ metaphorically. ⁶ just a blatant lie.

"We are going to have to live here with each other." Not if they win, dipshit.

Love when my web hosting provider decides to change some default settings for no absolutely compelling reason so I end up doing searches that make me sound like a complete noob until I realize what happened and just go in and flip those settings back the way I had 'em so everything works right. 🫩

A CRAZY IDEA for a random Wednesday…! #JackrabbitMessiah🐰 Site: JackrabbitMessiah.com Universal Book Link: sbufo.com/UR/?L=b2rjm

A LOVELY IDEA for a random Wednesday…! #LovelyAssistant🎩 Site: LovelyAssistant.com Universal Book Link: sbufo.com/UR/?L=b2rla

You really can't be blamed; at this point it's awfully difficult to tell a lot of our "real life" (??) people apart from bizarre caricatures that couldn't possibly exist. It's like if every single French person dressed as a mime and communicated in Maurice Chevalier chuckles.