This is a premium household. Why are we doing farm noises indoors? I didn’t sign up to supervise two large toddlers and their lick-based hobbies. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #Roo #TankWTF

when the treat hits and your face forgets geometry. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #BrotherBailey

this gorilla is now an “interactive texture experience.” for my mouth. #DogsOfBluesky #TankWTF #TankTheGolden

it’s valentine’s i have one (1) look and it gets me everything i want #TankWTF #DogsOfBluesky

something smells and my face just made a sound you can’t hear #DogsOfBluesky #TankWTF #TankTheGolden

live footage of tank using bailey as a decorative traffic cone. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #BrotherBailey #TankWTF

WAYBACK: first hours in the new habitat. they do not explore. they do not rest. they SLURP. #TankWTF #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #BrotherBailey

hi. it’s me, Bailey. i have activated Tongue Mode™. please provide snacks to continue. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #BrotherBailey

this meeting could’ve been a text. (it was not.) we’ll circle back after you open the cheese drawer. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #TankWTF

before you ask: yes, we’re available for kids’ parties. no, we will not be sober. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #BrotherBailey #TankWTF

i have no idea what’s going on but i do feel qualified to lead. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #TankWTF

she’s not “looking” at me. roo is downloading my thoughts via bluetooth. i am trying to think in airplane mode. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #TankWTF

we are not “following you.” we are your new GPS. we only route to the kitchen. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #BrotherBailey

presenting: one (1) emotional support sock. condition: pre-loved. heavily. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #TankWTF

cousin ryder went to the vet for the snip snip. is currently on a different planet. please do not disturb the astronaut: hi. i have been cone’d. the vibes are… different. i have left earth. please forward my mail. mission control says i’m doing great (mission control is the window). #DogsOfBluesky

i have been emotionally devastated by the lack of second breakfast. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #GoldenRetriever

bailey: “smile for the camera!” me: smiles like a haunted porch decoration #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #BrotherBailey #WTFTank

bailey county correctional facility: population: bailey charges: being too sweet + existing near snacks free bailey. he’s innocent (your honor, he’s just baby). #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #FreeBailey

this is called “teamwork.” it’s where we both take the treat and you take the L. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #TankWTF #BrotherBailey

hi yes i have pinned my brother for no reason. this is called “family.” #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #TankWTF #BrotherBailey

hello driver. i will be sitting quietly and rating you based on snack availability. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #TankWTF

this is our album cover. band name: ‘gravel snacks & the tennis ball boys' #DogsOfBluesky #GoldenRetrievers #TankTheGolden

hi yes i have made… what you might call… ‘a series of choices.’ you’re gonna wanna check the hallway. #TankTheGolden #WTFTank #SuspiciouslyInnocent #ChaosDog #DogsOfBluesky

installing update… 0% ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ 100% system will now reboot in place. #TankTheGolden #WTFTank #SpinCycle #DogsOfBluesky #ChaosDog

dad came home and it’s his birthday so i’m giving him the deluxe weighted blanket foot attachment. non-refundable. no off switch. #TankTheGolden #BirthdayDad #GoldenVelcro #OfficeDog #DogsOfBluesky

waiting for dad to come home. yes i did hear a car 47 times already. no it was not him. i checked every single one. #TankTheGolden #WaitingForDad #DogsOfBluesky #ClingyButCute

good morning. it is i, ceiling lion. here to inform you that breakfast is now. #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #WTFTank

POV: you sit down to relax and realize your dog has quietly doubled in size like a sourdough starter no one remembered feeding. #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #GoldenSourdough #HelpHeIsRising

mom: “WHAT is in your mouth.” me: “this is my limited edition driveway nugget, artisanally slobbered and hand-curated.” #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #RockCollector #ChaosDog

mom keeps saying “LOOK at your paws” like yeah girl i made these these are my little limited edition seasonal mud crocs #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #LimitedEditionDog #ChaosPaws

mom said “TANK” in the Serious Voice. i am now reviewing every crime i have ever committed in the last 7 months. #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #DramaGolden #WTFTank

hi yes we’re with the HOA. we need to inspect all snack storage immediately. #TankTheGolden #WTFTank #DoubleTrouble #DogsOfBluesky

he is HERE. my tiny chaos apprentice has arrived at the door. open it. he the reason the neighbors know our names. you hear that? that’s the sound of the zoomies treaty being RE-NEGOTIATED. #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #SiblingRivalry

mom says “you are disgusting, i should just throw you in the pool.” me, already calculating splash radius and exit routes: do it coward. jokes on her, i will exit that water 0.4 seconds later and sprint inside to towel-dry on every piece of furniture. #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #WTFTank

this photo was taken seconds after we signed the zoomies treaty of 2026. terms include: • shared snacks • synchronized barking • absolutely no listening #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #SiblingRivalry #WTFTank

bailey… prepare yourself. the loud one is en route. car update: tongue out ✅ brain cell warming up ✅ ETA: 10 minutes. emotional damage: incalculable. #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #BigBrotherIncoming #WTFTank

Little brother bailey will be here soon. i have been offered the chance to go pee in his yard before he arrives. this feels… ceremonial. #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #littleBroWelcome

roo’s documentary voice: “here we observe the domestic golden in his natural habitat… approaching the couch to breathe directly into my personal space, about to get bonked for existing too loud.” #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #DiscoveryChannelButStupid #WTFTank

yes i went back out. this is my “i am absolutely not currently holding contraband geology in my mouth” face. do not look too closely. #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #Brain404 #WTFTank

i like big ROCKS and i cannot lie you other doggos can’t deny that when a human yells “DROP IT” you suddenly remember zero commands. #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #Brain404 #ChaosDog

just got picked up from "dog camp" the trainer said “he had fun 😊 he can come back anytime.” that’s crazy because i spent 7 days committing organized zoomies. i am clearly unstoppable. #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #CertifiedMenace #DogCampCrimes

while you’re on vacation i am studying. i will learn: • how emotions are made • how dog brain works • and how to use this knowledge to get 47 snacks per day. #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #ConspiracyDog #GoldenRetrie

they said “time for a bath” and now i’m in witness protection wrapped in a towel living under the name “sir smells-a-lot.” #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #DramaGolden #FreshlyAnnoyed

merry christmas from your local golden retriever. today’s agenda: 1. pant in holy light 2. step directly on your bare foot 3. eat one ornament “by accident.” #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #UnhingedDog #ChristmasMenace

i’m sorry… a what list? a NAUGHTY list?? and you’re telling me it’s being recorded in REAL TIME while i live like this??? #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #CertifiedMenace #HolidayCrisis

do not be alarmed. i have assumed the ritual position. place hand on belly. think no thoughts. become part of the ceremony. #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #WTFTank #BellyRubTax

every time i clench my jaw the ball transmits another instruction: “eat grass” “wake up at 3am” “bark at ghost dust” i obey. #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #SignalReceived #UnhingedDog

found this crunchy fence noodle. seemed like a problem. so i brought the problem directly to management. i will now hand it to you like a toddler bringing home a live grenade. #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #ProblemDog #UnhingedDog