Reporter 1: “Roo, walk us through that exchange in the corner.” Roo: “Simple. He came in drooling, I came in swinging. He never stood a chance.” Reporter 2: “Tank has size on you. Were you intimidated?” Roo: “Size doesn’t matter when you’re stupid. Claws beat bulk every time.” #DogsOfBluesky

just me sneaking into the kitchen at 3am for shredded cheese #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #DogMeme #ChaosPuppy #UnhingedDogEnergy #GravelGremlin

I AM BECOME WET GREMLIN #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #WetDogEnergy #HurricaneTank

GROUND SUPPORT: ZOOMIES. AIR SUPPORT: HELICOPTER. ENEMY: PIRATE CHICKEN. LOCKED, LOADED, AND DROOLING. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden

This isn’t a golden retriever, this is a HORSE. Built like a linebacker, brain of a toaster. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden

Hi I’m Tank and this is my TED Talk on why rocks are delicious. I am wet. I am dumb. I am invincible. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #FeralGolden #ChaosPuppy #DumbButGlorious

IF YOU ARE READING THIS IT IS TOO LATE I AM ALREADY IN YOUR YARD. #DogsOfBluesky #ZoomiesUnleashed #FluffyMenace #UnhingedDogEnergy #TankTheGolden

I HAVE SEEN THE INSIDE OF THE CHICKEN. I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS NOW. 🪦 #DogsOfBluesky #GoldenThoughts #ChaosPuppy

hi. it me. tank. what i doing? idk. walking? yes walking. maybe snack? maybe nap? maybe global domination. maybe not. tongue taste like rocks. rocks taste like glory. hooman say no rocks. i say rocks mine. tank rule. tank drool. brain fried. vibes immaculate. #DogsOfBluesky #TankThoughts

Brain cells: 2 Sprinkler holes: 24 Guess who’s losing. #DogsOfBluesky #TankVsSprinkler #GoldenRetrieverLogic

That moment when you realize your toy had more brains than you thought. #DogsOfBluesky #PirateChciken #GoldenRetreiver

This is my chicken. There are many like it, but this one is mine. 🐔❤️ I will love him. I will squeeze him. I will rip the brains from his head... #DogsOfBluesky #PirateChicken

War log entry: Pirate Chicken, Day 3. Target neutralized. Fluff casualties: heavy. Squeaker still active, cries intercepted. Rope skeleton remains classified intel. Victory declared, but campaign continues. Tank out. #DogsOfBluesky #PirateChicken #GoldenRetreiver

Pirate Chicken: “the sea will avenge me!” Tank: “the sea can line up behind the mailman, the vacuum, and every amazon driver i’ve ever barked at. i don’t fear the tide. i am the tide. and you’re just another wreck on my shoreline.” #DogsOfBluesky #GoldenRetriever #PirateChicken

☠️ Pirate Chicken: "squawk” Tank: Silence, coward. Your reign ends today. Pirate Chicken thought he could stand against me. He squeaked. He taunted. He flapped. Now his hat is gone, his honor shredded, and his kingdom lies in ruins. Tank the Golden: 1. Pirate Chicken: 0. #DogsOfBluesky

Today I face my greatest foe: Pirate Chicken. He sits upon his throne of cushions, staring at me with those beady eyes, daring me to make the first move. But I am Tank the Golden. I will pounce. I will thrash. When the dust clears… only one survives. And it ain’t gonna be the chicken. 🐾

listen up, hooman. this squeaky? mine now u paid for it. u opened it. but ME? i conquered it every scream it makes when i chomp? not a squeak. that’s raw power this toy will be mine until it bursts into a thousand fluff corpses and when it does? i’ll guard the remains like a warlord counting skulls

UPS truck: exists Tank: Not on my watch. you have 5 seconds to state your business. the HOA doesn’t run this street. i do. #DogsofBluesky #GoldenRetrievers #NeighborhoodWatch #ChaosCanine

ball? nah. stick? pass. behold… my ROCK. priceless. ancient. ROCK is forever. #DogsOfBluesky #GoldenRetriever #RockDealer #FeralGolden

they say ‘live, laugh, love.’ i say ‘chomp, drool, destroy.’ put that on a throw pillow, susan. #DogsOfBluesky #GoldenRetrievers #BallIsLife #ChaosPup #FeralGolden

avengers: assemble. me: shows up with a hammer full of frozen treats and beef jerky thor could never. #Snackworthy #TankTheGolden #FenrirHammer #DogsOfBluesky #GoldenRetriever #MCU

they said only the worthy could lift the hammer. thor tried. odin tried. even the mailman tried. but then i, tank the golden, picked it up with my teefs. now i control thunder, zoomies, and all squeaky toys within a 3-mile radius. pray for ur ankles. #Fenrir #Hammer #GoldenRetriever #DogsOfBluesky

odin: ‘none but Thor may wield it’ … me: grabs it with my little teefies Thor dropped his hammer at the dog park. i simply picked it up. it’s mine now. #Droolnir #PawOfThunder #DogsOfBluesky #ChaosRetriever

Judge: Tank, you’ve been charged with theft of a tennis ball. How do you plead? Tank: Your honor, I plead zoomies. Prosecutor (the cat): Objection! He chewed it in half. Tank: Objection overruled. Ball is mine by squeak-rights. Court stenographer: [records slobber noises]

If you need me, i’ll be here. flat. heavy. unmovable. like a furry paperweight that sighs too much. this isn’t laziness, it’s strategy. #DogsOfBluesky #goldenretriever

garbage truck rolled up. barked 47 times. no response. coward. #MenaceEnergy #GoldenRetrievers #DogsofBluesky

BREAKING: Taylor Swift & Travis Kelce engaged. Congrats to your English teacher & gym teacher… meanwhile I just ate a rock. Balance in the universe restored. #DogsofBluesky #SwiftieChaos #GoldenRetriever #MenaceEnergy

vet said relax. i said bet. they told me it was just a little sedation. now i’m hearing the secrets of the universe directly from the ceiling fan. ok but like… do my paws always look this big?? hooman they’re huge. they’re MASSIVE someone call guinness world records #HighAsATank #DogsOfBluesky

fresh out the bath, smelling like lavender, and hooman whispers ‘we’re going to the vet.’ that’s not self-care, that’s psychological warfare. #BathAndBetrayal #NotSpaDay #DogsOfBluesky

zoom in. do i look calm? i’m not. i’m thinking about how fast i can steal rocks, gaslight the cat, and pretend i don’t hear my name. i contain multitudes. mostly crimes. #GoldenRetriever #DogsOfBluesky #FeralGolden #BlueskyDogs

welcome to tank’s tavern. cover charge: one slice of cheese. i see your plate. i see your weakness. and i WILL be patient. time means nothing. i am eternal. you will crack. #DogsofBluesky #GoldenRetriever #FoodBandit #FeralEnergy #BlueskyDogs

⭐️ driver ignored my navigation: TURN LEFT TO CHICKEN NUGGETS. unacceptable. made friends at dog park. rolled in mud. now car smells like ADVENTURE. #DogsOfBluesky #GoldenAdventures

look deep into my eyes. i will never give this back willingly. #DogsOfBluesky #GoldenRetrievers #ChaosGremlin #DogMemes

downward dog? more like downward menace. 5 minutes from now i’ll be eating drywall. #FeralDog #GoldenRetrievers #ChaosGremlin #DogsOfBluesky

Tank: they go fast because i bark. i am the engine. Roo: you are the reason the vacuum gets unplugged. #DragRacing #DogLogic #CatsOfBluesky #DogsOfBluesky #FeralEnergy

me checking if it’s still sunday or if i accidentally slept into monday. #FeralSunday #GoldenMenace #DogsofBluesky

roses are red, violets are blue, you wanted a walk, but i’m sniffing this screw. #FeralGolden #LeashGremlin #PoleOClock #SmellEconomy #GoldenMenace #DogsOfBluesky

this is my Life of a Showdog era. sold-out shows in the backyard. world tour of the dog park. merch available in slobber form. #goldenretriever #TS12 #LifeOfAShowgirl #feraldogenergy #SwiftiesOnBluesky #chaoticgoodboy #dogsdoingthings

“the life of a showgirl” is cute, but have you tried “the life of a dog who screams at sprinklers and gaslights the neighbor’s poodle”??? #SwiftiesOnBluesky #TS12 #LifeOfAShowgirl #LifeOfAShowDog #DogsOfBluesky #TaylorSwift

dog park opened 2 minutes ago. i’ve already stolen a ball, ignored 3 recalls, and gaslit a labrador. record pace. #goldenretriever #dogsoftheday #DogsOfBluesky

whoa whoa whoa… what’s in those hands? snacks or betrayal? this is my villain origin story, and yes, you’re the reason. #DogsOfBluesky #GoldenRetreiver

not all who wander are lost. some of us are just looking for cheese. 🧀

sniffed one cactus and now i’m on a government watchlist. do NOT trust a ball that doesn’t bounce back. i repeat. do NOT. #DogsOfBluesky #barreltrap 🌵 #botanicalcrimes #feralboy

i swam for it. i earned it. and now i’m water-walking like a smug little swamp prince. #DogsOfBluesky #goldenretriever #aquadog

i see you. i see your sandwich. i see us, together. you thought you were alone. you were wrong. i was here. watching. hoping. #DogsOfBluesky #GoldenRetrievers #NoTableManners

hydration is important. so is chewing your weights like a psychopath. this isn’t your average dumbbell. this is a barkbell™️. now 100% slobber-certified. #DogsOfBluesky. #GoldenRetrievers

new ball dropped. literally. into the pool. i handled it. i barked at it then kissed it now we’re best friends #DogsOfBluesky #goldenretrieverlogic #lifeguardmode

me: i don’t need snacks. also me: [squints meaningfully] also me: [extends paw like renaissance painting] also me: [mouth open like baby bird] also me: snack now pls. #DogsOfBluesky #GoldenRetreiver

am i supposed to be eating this? no. did hooman say ‘drop it’? yes. did i? absolutely not. i am one with the rocks. i have the forbidden salad. crunchy. defiant. illegal. if you wanted a golden retriever, you got one. but today… i am a rock dragon #DogsOfBluesky

Tank’s guide to hiking: Step 1: Look majestic. Step 2: Eat dirt. Step 3: Give hooman side-eye until they cave and carry you back to the car. Step 4: Demand snack. Step 5: Nap like it was Everest. (It was a 12-minute walk.) #DogsOfBluesky #DogHike