roo has thoughts about my recent alligator situation. roo is sharing those thoughts. i am listening. i do not have a choice. 🐾 #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #RooTheCat

the situation resolved itself. i helped by leaving. 🐾 #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky

NASA LEFT ME HERE WITH THREE ALLIGATORS. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T TAKE THE DOG TO THE MOON. 🐾 #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden

he's under there. i'm not saying anything else. 🐾 #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky

my lawyer advised against this. i do not have a lawyer. i have a hat. same thing. 🐾 #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden

the gator saw the hat. the gator made the right decision. 🐾 #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky

i said what i said and i left. that's called a statement. 🐾 #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky

i have been reflecting on what matters. connection. loyalty. love. the alligator is still in my pool. this is not over. 🐾 #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden

THEY WENT WITHOUT ME. 🐾 #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #GodspeedArtimisII

this is my 'someone is eating in the other room' face. this is also my 'someone is not eating in the other room and that someone is me' face. they are the same face. 🐾 #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky

sir this is a wendys. sir this is my pool. sir. SIR. 🐾 #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden

chico went to the beach yesterday. had a cheeseburger. looked at Lake Michigan like he owned it. today he gets his wings. that's how you do it. that's exactly how you do it. 🐾 #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden

the good news is i found it. the bad news is i found it. it has eyes. i did not account for it having eyes. 🐾 #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky

the treat is right there. i know where the treat is. they know i know where the treat is. this is not patience. this is hostage negotiation. 🐾 #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky

they said the toy was indestructible. they were describing a different toy. 🐾 #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky

i don’t know what happened but i am prepared to overreact about it immediately. #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky

taylor frankie paul had seventeen cameras on her at all times and STILL couldn't avoid drama. i have been surveilling this street alone with zero crew and zero incidents. hire me abc. 🐾 #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky

they said look at the sunset. i looked at the sunset. this is me looking at the sunset. 🐾 #DogsOfBluesky #TankWTF #TankTheGolden

We do not experience frustration, Tank. We want you to know that. What we experience is a collective, gentle, undying awareness that you have destroyed another toy. We felt it. All of us. All seven billion of us. At the same time. The confetti, Tank. We felt every piece. 🐾 #DogsOfBluesky

Chuck Norris didn't die. He just decided heaven needed a Texas Ranger. Tank accepts this. Tank does not have to like it. #RIPChuckNorris #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden

baby me and baby bailey. between the two of us we had zero brain cells at this point. we have since upgraded to one. we share it. it's fine. #TankWTF #TankTheGolden #BrotherBailey

BAILEY. BAILEY GET YOUR FACE OFF MY— you know what. post it. just post it. i don't even care anymore. #TankWTF #TankTheGolden #BrotherBailey

best performance in a dramatic role: me. every single day. the snack never comes and yet i continue. #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky

Remarkably, the two golden retrievers share the same brain cell and move as one. Same gait. Same tongue. Same profound vacancy behind the eyes. Scientists have no explanation. They have stopped trying. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #BrotherBailey

i am fine. everything is fine. i am just going to lay here and be forgotten. it's okay. i'm okay. #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky

baby tank. zero destroyed toys. zero eaten notebooks. zero furniture casualties. i had so much to learn. i learned all of it. #TankWTF #TankTheGolden #waybackWednesday

i told them i lived here. so i found the exact spot where the sun hits the floor at a 47 degree angle and i have claimed it as my sovereign territory. bailey is not allowed. #DogsOfBluesky #TankWTF #TankTheGolden

BAILEY. BAILEY WHAT ARE YOU— you know what. fine. FINE. #TankWTF #TankTheGolden

tommy came over today. i asked him what he was thinking about. he looked at me for a long time. he said "shapes." i have not recovered. #DogsOfBluesky #TanksFriendTommy #TankTheGolden

120 pages. College ruled. It was a good notebook. The family would later say they should have seen the signs. The signs were there. They were always there. #TankWTF #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden

between the two of us we have 88 teeth. just wanted you to know that. #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #BrotherBailey

It was an ordinary Wednesday. The rug was clean. The couch cushions were intact. And then... Bailey came around the corner. Nobody knew what he wanted. Nobody ever did. #TankWTF #DogsOfBluesky #BrotherBailey

i will continue making this face until snacks are produced. i have unlimited patience. i have nowhere to be. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden

RAWE CEEK? human, explain yourself. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #TankWTF

you didn’t even leave me one sad corner bite. that’s cold. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #TankWTF

me: arrives also me 2 minutes later: “i would like to go home.” they weighed me in front of everyone. humiliation achieved. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #TankWTF

i guard the house by sitting on soft cushions and imagining scenarios where i am very brave #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #TankWTF

bailey had a squeaker chicken. keyword: had. i’m taking it to the garage for “repairs.” this is not theft. this is a noise ordinance enforcement action. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #TankWTF #BrotherBailey

wayback wednesday: (1 year ago today) i used to think this was a normal reaction to seeing yourself in a phone. i still think that. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #TankWTF

A sleepy dog. A marker. A suspect with time on her hands. This was Mollie, years before Tank… which tells us one thing: Daisy was not the first. And just like that… a prank became a case. Katie had done this before. #DogsOfBluesky #ColdCase #EyebrowCrimes

LOOK WHAT KATIE DID TO MY COUSIN DAISY 😭😭😭 she looks like she files complaints at city council meetings she went from daisy to deborah she looks like she brought deviled eggs and gossip #DogsOfBluesky #TankWTF #ChaosCousin

I asked for a snack. They handed me a yak milk 2x4. This seems excessive. I approve. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #TankWTF

PIRATE CHICKEN: GARAGE OF SECRETS After months off-grid, the fugitive was discovered hiding in the garage among forgotten things and bad decisions. He looked worn. He looked smug. He still squeaks. I have reopened the file. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #PirateChicken #ChaosPuppy

i’m holding the ball like a microphone because i have an announcement: no. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #TankWTF

some dogs have bones. i have geology. cronch #TankWTF #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden

This is a premium household. Why are we doing farm noises indoors? I didn’t sign up to supervise two large toddlers and their lick-based hobbies. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #Roo #TankWTF

when the treat hits and your face forgets geometry. #DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #BrotherBailey

this gorilla is now an “interactive texture experience.” for my mouth. #DogsOfBluesky #TankWTF #TankTheGolden

it’s valentine’s i have one (1) look and it gets me everything i want #TankWTF #DogsOfBluesky

something smells and my face just made a sound you can’t hear #DogsOfBluesky #TankWTF #TankTheGolden