Thank you, #TheArchers tweetalongers. I’m off for a beef and mustard sandwich on the village green. See you next week!

Miss Babs: “Quick, Mrs O, plant that antique bottle of Chardonnay in Mr Chris’s forge – I think we might have got away with it!” Mrs Overall: “Oh, I am pleased!” #AmbridgeAntiques #TheArchers

Clive: “This village is full of farmers, tramps, and thieves. But every New Year’s Eve Chris would come around, And lay his bottle down.” #TheArchers #FarmersTrampsAndThieves

Reg: “It’s my job to stop you hitting the bottle.” George: “Stopping the bottle from hitting me would be more helpful.” #TheArchers

Reg: “Are those your sister’s?” George: “Yeah. Her rollerskates, her hockey stick, her guinea pig’s hairbrushes – and her free bottle of Chardonnay.” 👀 #TheArchers

Jolene: “Why did you say that?” Kenton: “It was in the script?” #TheArchers

Clive: “I see you’ve caught a common chub!” George: “That’s no way to talk about Amber.” #TheArchers

Brian: “I saw George going fishing with Clive.” Susan: “I knew this would happen. I read the script in advance this week.” #TheArchers

Susan: “Do you think things might be better now?” Brian: “I don’t know, Susan. What do you think? Can you see these scripts improving?” #TheArchers

Susan: “...and 53 change. Enjoy your antiques!” #TheArchers #AmbridgeAntiques

Chris: “Get out, you disgusting piece of ****!” Clive: “Or what? You’ll Chardonnay me too?” #TheArchers

David: “Josh was convinced Nina was the one that he wanted.” Ruth: “Ooh, ooh, ooh!” #TheArchers #YoureTheFarmerIWant

David: “I think I’m losing it. I’m losing control. Cos the power you’re supplying: it's ELECTRIFYING!” #TheArchers #YoureTheFarmerIWant

Ruth: “We’re never going to get anywhere with this #Succession dilemma unless we talk about it properly.” David: “Well, you know my opinion. Season 4 was the best.” #TheArchers

Ruth: “Whenever Clive Horrobin’s around, I get chills. In fact, I think they’re multiplying. And I’m loooooosing control!” #TheArchers #YoureTheFarmerIWant

Susan: “I’m not listening to this!” Clive: “Quite right, Susan. NEVER listen to #TheArchers. You’ll get trapped in a metafiction paradox feedback loop!” 😱

Susan: “I’M NOT SHOUTING! THE MIC LEVELS ARE JUST SET TOO HIGH!” #TheArchers

Susan: “How did you hear about George’s attack?” Clive: “I was in that standalone New Year police drama with Sue from #Outnumbered?” Susan: “But that’s… NON-CANONICAL!” #TheArchers

Susan: “WTF are you doing here?” Clive: “Recording an episode of #TheArchers. You?”

David: “Is that who I think it is? On the village green? Susan, come and see.” Chris: “It’s the Agricultural Story Editor!" Susan: “No!” 😱 #TheArchers

Chris: “I FINALLY got through to Hazel.” Susan: “Well, it does take a long time for the signal to reach Raxacoricofallapatorius.” #TheArchers #DoctorWho

Susan: “So. How did it go?” George: “Nobody punched me.” Susan: “Well, you can’t expect more than that from your first script meeting.” #TheArchers

Ruairi: “This is ridiculous.” Alice: “I know, Ruairi. But we’d better read it out anyway.” #TheArchers

Brian: “So Adam bottled it, did he?” Alice: “No, he bottled George.” 👀 #TheArchers

Susan: “I believe in encouraging someone when they’re trying to change. I was very supportive of my Neil when he was putting his swimming trunks on under a towel at Weston-super-Mare.” #TheArchers

Susan: “How about this one? It’s dark and peaty.” Brian: “Sounds perfect. We can drink the evidence afterwards.” Susan: “What?” Brian: “What?” #TheArchers

Kate: “Where is Dad?” Ruairi: “He popped out to get a large bottle of whisky. He said he wanted a really heavy single clout.” #TheArchers

Susan: “You’re worth more than all of the rest of them put together, Alice. The rest of your family are a right bunch of ****s.” Alice: “Er… thanks?” #TheArchers

Alice: “Is 6 still OK for you, George?” George: “Can we make it 7? And 2 tomorrow? And also 11 on Sunday?” #TheArchers

Alice: “I want to move on, Dad.” Brian: “Oh, very well then. Why don’t you audition for #CoronationStreet?” #TheArchers

Alice: “This meeting might just stop the cycle of anger, resentment, and pity.” Brian: “You’ve not been to a script meeting before, have you?” #TheArchers

Jakob: “Astonishingly, I can’t find that free bottle of Chardonnay. Who could POSSIBLY have seen that coming? Did you take it home with you?” Kate: “No, I used it to smash George’s head in. Herbal tea?” #TheArchers

Brian: “Why don’t you go on holiday? I took Miranda to the Caribbean once.” Jolene: “Jamaica?” Brian: “No, she went of her own free will.” #TheArchers

Kenton: “I am just sick of the drama!” Brian: “You and me both, Kenton. But we’re contractually obliged, so we’d better read it out anyway.” #TheArchers

Kenton: “Don’t let George have the oxygen of your anger.” Jolene: “I’m not happy with him having the oxygen of oxygen.” #TheArchers #LindaSmith

Jakob: “Come to mine this evening. We can have Swedish red herring casserole and open that bottle of free Chardonnay, UNLESS SOMEONE’S ALREADY USED IT FOR SOMETHING.” 👀 #TheArchers

Jolene: “I can’t talk about this right now.” Kenton: “You’ll have to. We’re contractually obliged!” #TheArchers

Jolene: “I AM NOT SHOUTING AT YOU, KENTON! THE STUDIO MANAGER’S JUST GOT THE SOUND LEVEL SET TOO HIGH!” #TheArchers

Jolene: “You alright Kenton?” Kenton: “Yes, just tired.” Jolene: “Well, you are one of the men who always sound tired in #TheArchers.”

Alice: “George wants to call a family meeting.” Kate: “Our family?” Alice: “Yes.” Kate: “Great! I’ll bring a crate of Chardonnay.” #TheArchers

Kate: “Hello, Alice. Remember Bethany Tucker, my daughter Phoebe’s father’s (Roy’s) half-sister, daughter of Mike and Vicky Tucker, who left Ambridge in 2015 and moved to Birmingham?” Alice: “Yes…” Kate: “She’s 13 on Friday. Bye!” #TheArchers #PlotRecap

Kenton: “OMFG, George! WTF are you doing here, lurking in a soundproofed corridor?” George: “Recording an episode of #TheArchers. You?”

George: “You said ‘It’s not too late’.” Alice: “I do believe that. There’s still an hour of this to go?” #TheArchers

Alice: “George! WTF are you doing here?” George: “Recording an episode of #TheArchers. You?”

Helen: “Hello, Akram! I’ll see you at 7. And again tomorrow at 2. And also on Sunday morning at 11. Bye!” #TheArchers

Alice: “Are you in the queue, Kenton?” Kenton: “I am. You’ll have to wait your turn to smash George’s head in with a bottle of Chardonnay.” #TheArchers

Helen: “Want to do some casual acting work on #TheArchers?” Akram: “How very dare you. I trained at the RADA, you know.”

George: “One stupid decision that I was too chicken to put right. I feel proper ashamed when I think about it.” Chris: “Yeah, well. We’ve all done things we regret. I joined #TheArchers in 2017.”

George: “I don’t know what to say.” Chris: “Well, what does it say in the script? Look, we’re here, at the top of p12?” #TheArchers

Akram: “It’s Helen Archer. She’s asking if I might drop in at Bridge Farm for apple pie and custard from a packet.” 😬 #TheArchers