Thank you, #TheArchers tweetalongers. I’m off to attempt Fallon’s coleslaw recipe. See you next week!

Miss Babs: “Mrs O, we’re going to need a lot more of your delicious macaroons to bring about a biscuit-based peace to the world beyond #AmbridgeAntiques, I’m afraid.” Mrs Overall: “Oh, I am pleased!” #TheArchers

Eddie: “This calls for a celebration. Pint of cider?” 🍺🍏 *awkward silence* Eddie: “I mean, Pint of Shires?” 🍺 Will: “Pint of Shires!” 🍺 George: “Pint of Shires!” 🍺 Amber: “Pint of Shires!” 🍺 Baby Grundy: “pint of shires!” 🍺🍼 Everyone: “PINT OF SHIRES!” 🍻 #TheArchers #PintOfShires

Will: “These last few weeks have been horrible.” Eddie: “I won’t argue with that. But these scripts are bound to improve soon.” #TheArchers

Alice: “Why don’t you move in with me?” Ruairi: “No thanks.” #TheArchers

Amber: “Why don’t you have a unifying Garibaldi, and NOT a conversation-stopping FIG ROLL?” #TheArchers #FigRoll

Alice: “ARE you fine, Ruairi? You haven’t seemed like yourself for ages. It seems like something’s off. Like you have a guilty conscience for committing attempted murder or something.” 🤔 #TheArchers

George: “Do you really think this is going to work?” Amber: “No, not really. But we’d better read it out anyway.” #TheArchers

Alice: “Fancy some pulled pork tonight?” Ruairi: “Yes, but Paul’s away, so…” #TheArchers

Amber: “It feels real now, like this is really happening!” George: “But it’s not real, Amber. It’s a contemporary drama in a rural setting?” #TheArchers

Helen: “I’ve put in an offer on the house next to you. We could be NEIGHBOURS!” Tracy: “Brilliant… Have you still got Greg’s shotgun?” Helen: “Why?” Tracy: “No reason.” #TheArchers

Tracy: “You’re GLOWING, Helen. What’s your secret?” Helen: “Tossing the caber, mainly.” #TheArchers

Sonographer: “I can see the baby…” #TheArchers #AmbersBaby

Celia: “I admire your loyalty. But Helen, you are brilliant at what you do. Aren’t you worried that you’ll outgrow #TheArchers?”

Tracy: “We’re having terrible trouble with the crud cutter.” Helen: “No, Tracy, it’s a misprint. It should be ‘curd cutter’?” Tracy: “I know what I mean. That’s what I call the script editor.” #TheArchers

Helen: “Oh no, what’s that dreadful noise?” Tracy: “Don’t worry, it’s just the studio manager getting carried away with the sound effects again. He did this the other day. Just mind out the way…” *WHACK* #TheArchers

Tracy: “The Agricultural Story Advisor didn’t advise getting rid of me, did she?” Helen: “Of course not! But we are going to have to send Dad to the knackers yard, I’m afraid.” #TheArchers

Will: “Hot Chocolate?” George: “This is no time for 1970s British soul, Dad. We’re worried about the scan tomorrow?” Will: “Well, don’t worry about it. I believe in miracles!” #TheArchers

Tony: “I believe that Helen and Tom are the future…” Pat: “Don’t sing.” Tony: “Teach them well and let them lead the way…” Pat: “Don’t sing, Tony.” #TheArchers #GreatestFarmOfAll

Tony: “I didn’t think this audit was necessary. But the BBC Board of Governors insisted.” #TheArchers

Tony: “I didn’t see this coming at all.” Pat: “Really? Did you not read this week’s script in advance?” #TheArchers

Amber: “What if we get there tomorrow and we don’t hear anything?” George: “We’ll just ask the studio manager to turn the volume up?” #TheArchers

George: “Amber, why are you acting so weird? You’ve not been recast again, have you?” #TheArchers

Helen: “Keeping the Angus just doesn’t stack up, Dad.” Tony: “So, what are you suggesting? We just get rid of Josh Archer?” #TheArchers

Amber: “We’re making a slide show for Eddie’s 75th!” Will: “Who?” #TheArchers

Amber: “You can change the playback speed here… and then you can listen to #TheArchers in half the time!”

Tom: “What about the veg boxes?” Helen: “Oh, they’ll have the same as me.” #TheArchers #SpittingImage

Ruairi: “What am I supposed to do?” Brian: “Well, what does it say in the script? Look, we’re here – at the top of p40?” #TheArchers

Helen: “You won’t tell anyone, will you?” Tracy: “Course not. Well, apart from 5m #TheArchers listeners, obvs.”

Helen: “Dame Celia Molestrangler offered me a job. Have you heard of ageing juvenile Binkie Huckaback?” Tracy: “Who?” #TheArchers #RoundTheHorne

Miranda: “Ruairi, is everything all right? You’re not worried about the Feds catching up with you after you smashed George’s head in with a bottle of Chardonnay or anything, are you?” #TheArchers

Celia: “Want to be director of operations of the Little Croxley Organics Dairy?” Helen: “I don’t know what to say.” Celia: “Well, what does it say in the script? Look, we’re here – at the top of p34?” #TheArchers

Miranda: “I’m worried, Brian. I think my mother’s in the village.” #TheArchers #CeliaJohnson

Tracy: “Can I get you a cup of tea, Celia?” Celia: “Thanks, but I just had one in the Hollerton Junction refreshment room. I’m just here to see my daughter, Miranda.” #TheArchers #BriefEncounter #CeliaJohnson

Brian: “Ruairi, this has GOT to stop!” Ruairi: “I know. It will. At 12:15, as usual.” #TheArchers

Ruairi: “I can’t go back there, Dad. Home Farm. I can’t live there. Because it’s too much.” Brian: “Nonsense. It’s only £3.5m.” #TheArchers

Eddie: “I can see how sorry you are, George. How hard you’re trying. And I appreciate it. But you’re still a terrible ****.” #TheArchers

Eddie: “I never thought we’d still not be speaking after all this time.” George: “It’s my fault.” Eddie: “No, son. I blame the writers.” #TheArchers

Miranda: “I bumped into Ruairi this morning. He seemed a bit odd. Like he had a guilty conscience about attempting to murder someone with a bottle of Chardonnay or something.” 🤔 #TheArchers

Eddie: “Any of us could put an end to this if we wanted to.” George: “Really? We can cancel #TheArchers?”

Miranda: “Hello Ruairi. What brings you here?” Ruairi: “Er… recording an episode of #TheArchers? You?”

Eddie: “Why are you looking at photos of Barry Island?” George: “Just wondering if things would have worked out differently if I’d got that part in #GavinAndStacey.” #TheArchers

Adam: “What if we do a different sport instead of cricket?” Alice: “Like what?” Adam: “Spin the bottle of Chardonnay?” #TheArchers

Helen: “FFS. It’s Dame Celia Molestrangler. She wants to come and see me on Tuesday at 7pm. And Wednesday at 2pm. And again on Sunday at 11am.” #TheArchers #RoundTheHorne

Adam: *knock knock* “Hello? Rex? You in there? I thought I saw the boat moving?” Rex: “IF THE BOAT’S ROCKING, DON’T COME KNOCKING!” #TheArchers

Pat: “I think Tom’s feeling a bit unsettled by it all.” Helen: “We all are, Mum. But we’d better read it out anyway.” #TheArchers

Helen: “Do you really want me to go through it all again?” Pat: “No. I think we’d all be better off catching up on BBC Sounds, or wherever you get your podcasts.” #TheArchers

Helen: “Look at those brothers up in Edinburgh.” Pat: “That was impressive. The way they walked 500 miles. And then walked 500 more.” #TheArchers #TheProclaimers

Pat: “Has the Agricultural Story Advisor given you any idea when we might get the results of the audit, Helen?” Helen: “7pm on Wednesday, 2pm on Thursday, and 11am on Sunday.” #TheArchers

Continuity: “And now it’s time for this week’s visit to #AmbridgeAntiques. And after last week’s exciting cliffhanger, let’s see if they’re any further on with opening that chic new antiques boutique in Franchesterford.” #TheArchers