War of the Worlds District 9 Aliens Predator What is the pope trying to tell us??

Finally sold at the top for once, nevermind that they’re gonna blow it all on OpenAI

When I grow up I wanna be a WH reporter so I can carry the big boom mic myself while asking the hard questions and get carpal tunnel

White House announces main fight card for UFC at the, um, White House Maye Musk vs Joyce Carol Oates! Sponsored by DraftKings

Christians on the ground: heaven is open to all of us no matter what we do down here! Christians in heaven: yeah have you seen the big gates out front

A billion dollar idea: Medically induced comas that last 4 years so the rich can sleep through disfavored presidents We run it like a Ponzi scheme and reliably wake the lesser rich until we capture a few billionaires and then

Me, sanding down the ridges in my brain: nobody knows what magnets are, but to build a magnet system would take two years

My wife thinks it’s so cute when lemurs eat this way but when I do it I have to sleep on the couch

In America, even the birds are saying “wtf?!”

All those companies that ate the tariffs instead of passing them through, watching their money go directly to Americans: 🥴 All those companies buying tariff obligations in Enron-like financial instruments: 🤢

When is someone gonna a tell the boys that designing a girlfriend is playing “very easy” mode and legitimately winning a wife is playing “legendary” with a healthy dose of “survival”

The gap between these red lines is what republican governance cost us last time

I have a vision of 10B Optimus clankers joining hands to create the Great IntraSolar Tether and simply lifting us all to Mars one by one (in spacesuits of course)

Resting stroke face

Chat is it bad to loan money to people I’m shorting

We’re openly talking about bailouts while they’re still openly fumbling hundreds of billions on capex so I guess it’s all priced in already until someone blinks

We’re at the long pause, when the pendulum appears frozen in place Soon it will swing the other way, accelerating towards the center When it passes and reaches the far heights, we need to nail that fucker in place

Me: we could have nice things instead

At least 10% of us will spend Thanksgiving in an airport instead of with family because republicans can’t govern

Pre-bursted bubble bailouts are happening

Hey man, Michigan (supposably) did this once and only once too. It can be a thing Fox felt compelled to keep it going so Melanie gets the patriot thingy too this year, so be careful about the long term costs but otherwise knock yourself out

the pause was so silly like Gorsuch really went

Could you imagine how bad things would be if he was getting shitfaced on the regular

The funniest part of this horror story is that ICE is going to make the sheriff’s deputies clean the toilets and they will

My dad had a stroke and I spent weeks with him during the recovery (he’s better now, as these things go). The way his mouth moved was so very subtle yet obviously different after a lifetime of seeing it the way it used to be

dawg they’re live laugh loving the white house. president homegoods

No barkin' from the dog, no smog...

Michigan, now is your time to select Gavin Newsom as Man of the Year Do it for the love of the game

A pox on every lily-livered Democratic leader who sat out the NYC mayoral race. Step aside and let change come through.

Well, that’s a huge relief

Hey everyone I found a better graham platner

This new generation of Collateralized Debt Obligations are gonna be wild

During the last GFC the banks were “too big to fail” and they had all our money so we didn’t want them to fail but this time it’s all software companies and we kinda do want them to fail 🤷‍♂️

One helluva kicker here “They said they got em all but um actually there are THREE infected monkeys still running around” (paraphrasing)

Me, looking at myself in the mirror: it’s okay to come out and admit you’re baseball-curious

What’s the bet on polymarket for Vance’s divorce-by date I’d bet he’s going to do it while trump still commands the headlines because they can bury it in more bullshit A presidential divorce? High drama VP divorce? Yawn

King will forgo monthly peppercorn payments, Crown prepares for belt tightening with reduced revenue

KitKat voice, booming down from heaven: Avenge me

Can we convince them ivermectin is better than iodine and keep all the iodine tablets for ourselves

you guys have to see the shit that the VA Senate president pro tempore is posting on Twitter man, this was on her main account i've never been so locked in for a state legislator before Senator L. Louise Lucas i would die in battle for you

I don’t know about you but I absolutely had ‘infected monkeys getting loose’ on my bingo card, that one was super obvious I also have ‘2nd Roswell Incident’ and ‘3rd world war’ because I have a gigantic bingo card of chaos that never wins

Good news everyone, your trip is delayed. Bad news if you’re already on it tho

Had a nightmare where the orange one died before the midterms and chuck and hakeem agreed to sweep everything under the rug in the name of bipartisanship and national healing

Trump the Betrayer …of our Constitution …of every oath or vow he’s ever given …of every deal he’s ever made

This isn’t a game it’s an interactive movie with very stupid visuals 👎

I’ve never seen anyone steal food and I never will. My eyes are built different, unable to perceive these hallucinations afflicting grocery store managers. I will encourage them to log off, lie down, touch grass, or maybe convince them they got ghosts in their blood and should do cocaine about it

Someone needs to boot up their time traveler and put rfk jr on jfk jr’s plane and leave jfk jr at home that day

This is just his claim against the FBI, he’ll file more claims against other 3 letter agencies right after this is settled If he gets away with this one he is 💯 going to put Obama in cuffs too What are we even doing anymore, why are we going to work tomorrow

Onion headline: Loss of priceless jewelry precisely estimated by reinsurers

He is now my least favorite oyster farmer