I've reached the pretzel-stick walrus phase of grading. I'm afraid it's too late for me. Run. Save yourselves.

Email notif: "Teachers, do you have the right..." Me: what in the fresh hell has he done NOW.... do I have the right, you're damn right I have the right... *opens email* Email: "...auto insurance?"

I'm 42 today🥳🥳

Same vibes

Confirmed covid. And it's a major bitch. Stay safe folks.

Last week, I was teaching the implied emphasis shifts in clauses joined by commas, semicolons, and colons. Kid: What's the point? You can just use a period. Me: You can also pound a screw in with a hammer. Doesn't mean it's the right way.

Don't take it personally. I assume everyone is lying

Still alive, still have a face

So 16 days ago I got strep. I found out it was strep 10 days ago, when it started becoming pneumonia. 5 days ago I started a second antibiotic and was starting to feel better until today. Fevel shot up and cough came back with a vengeance. May have caught a 3rd thing.

Tired and still sick af, but it's easier to be at work than to get a sub and write plans or get behind schedule. Happy Friday-eve. Still fighting. Let's win.

Pro tip: Talking openly about mental health struggles or thoughts of self-harm is not inherently manipulative or toxic. Telling someone you'll harm yourself if they do/don't do something (e.g., break up with you) *is* manipulative. Constant trauma dumping w/out consent of the listener *is* toxic.

Trying to keep my cough germs to myself. Does it give "mysterious ninja who might stab you"?

Oh hey! I got busy and forgot this app exists. Many of my friends are fleeing the bad place again, so I'll try to be here more to find them.

Are you upsetti-spaghetti, or regretti-spaghetti? Fettuccine afraid-o? Beef stroh-no-ganoff?

"Why are you always posting online instead of making friends in person?!" Because, Linda, online it's socially acceptable for me to nope out of idiotic conversations, block people, reply at my own pace, and leave the moment I feel overstimulated or icky vibe shifts.

Be with someone who doesnt make you feel like you need to hide in your closet to have peace

Him: my heart beats morse code spelling her name Me: that's arrhythmia, bro, u ok?

Me: *drops a French fry but catches it with my thighs* Me: yes! Thick thighs save fries! My family:🙄🙄🙄 Me: my talents are wasted here

Happy Friday, fam🫶

Bring kindness, get kindness. Bring disrespect, and get your affairs in order cuz you gon die clown

I go back to work in 3 weeks. My weightloss kinda stalled out for a few weeks because I let go for vacation, and stress happened. But non-scale victory is looking pretty ripped, regardless.

Sometimes, "writing" looks a lot like me, staring at the wall, the ceiling, rubbing my face, mouthing words to myself, shaking my head when I disagree, more staring and lip biting, until a few hours later my eyes light up with the solution to the plot points that had me blocked

Busy morning. Off we go! Here's my unfiltered face😁

"You don't get to decide what is or isn't too much for me to handle."

The sun wasn't right in the backyard, so I'm tanning in a 2 piece, on my driveway. It's like Russian roulette, but instead of bullets, it's if an Amazon delivery or kids' friends will show up unannounced, and all of us spontaneously combust

I never expected I'd have to untangle my soul from every piece of you, or I would have loved more carefully

"War Is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Strength." -Orwell, 1984

Let me know if you want a signed copy!

I saw an allergist yesterday and was tested. I'm allergic to a couple tree types and cats. But also, I know now that I have asthma. Decades of running, wondering why I still find it hard to breathe during cardio and especially in the cold...

I thought I was a good parent, but then I saw both my daughters added "white girl bangers" playlists on spotify

Tan Jo is a happy Jo

Therapy day after care

Lat pulling more than my body weight feels like such a flex bc I can literally dangle from it, or I can engage my wholeass back to pull that shit down to my chest and WHAT?! Feels like I break physics with it. 🤣🤣🤣

My body type: def want me on your tug-of-war team

The banana I had for breakfast was so small I could almost hear it reassuring me it was statistically average

I'm not mad about having smaller boobs bc of what men think. Idgaf about them. I like my chest. I'm just mad bc I have to buy two swimsuits in different sizes bc I got hips with their own zip code.

Men read the word boobs and their brain shuts off for the rest of the sentence, doesn't it

I feel pretty today so I'm making it your problem now, sucker

Hubs: I haven't even asked you, what have you even been DOING this summer so far? Me: being happy

When you offer a hand to people who are down, you have to know that not everyone will walk with you afterward. Some will keep falling bc they like the attention. Some will trip you. Some will just walk away. Be at peace with it, but know the difference.

No makeup vs makeup I'm not sure it's worth my 20 minutes, tbh🤣

Why yes, the full moon does have me feeling feral, why do you ask?

How about a rare, toothy smile?

The only *subscription* to buy access to me is your immortal soul. Non-refundable.

Yearning is so last year. I'm in my "I already own this" era

"Playing solitaire in bed" sounds like a euphemism for masturbation, but no. I'm just old and boring.

I sure say *fuck* a lot for someone who looks like Mary Poppins

Apropos of nothing... please enjoy this excerpt from book 3 of my fantasy series. Iykyk

Bruh... get out of my mentions with that speed-limit-lookin' IQ