8-10. DON'T LET THE FLAME OF COMPETENT OFFENSE DIE OUT

8-9. hou truly do love to sea it

7-9. by all rights we should have scored double digits

6-9. NICE

5-9. whew that was a totally stress free win

off-day update. can we just have a normal april for five fuckin minutes

4-9. I don't want to waste an "oh my god bruh" this early in the season, but OH MY GOD BRUH

4-8. if I had a nickel for every time george kirby had an eight inning complete game loss...

4-7. is it controversial to say gilbert might not even be SP3

4-6. despite what their name might imply, the los caliheim angeles angelfornia anaheims of los anafornia are a godless baseball team

4-5. ጆ አዴል ፣ ኃጢአተኛ ነፍስህ ከመዳን በላይ ናት እናም ሰላምን ወይም ሥቃይን አታውቅም ፣ የንስሐ ቅዝቃዜ ብቻ አብቅቷል ፣ ምክንያቱም ኃጢአቶችህ ከማንኛውም ተልእኮ የላቀ ስለሆነ ፣ መጨረሻው ቀርቧል ፣ የኃጢአት መርከቦች

4-4. if you are totally pumped about your team reaching .500...

3-4. yankees fans will watch their team curbstomp yours and scold your broadcasters for not being enthusiastic enough about it

3-3. ohhh look at me I'm the yankees I have former MVPs and cy young candidates out the wazoo. fuck you

3-2. LeDumper

2-2. let the record show that I have never said anything bad about emerdaughter footpussy

1-2. nope. definitely bad

Per Stathead, no MLB team since at least 1898, the earliest year for which their relevant data stretches back, has started their year without a single in their first two games. Until the 2026 Seattle Mariners.

1-1. maybe living and dying by the long ball ain't so bad

0-1. it'd be nice to not live and die by the long ball

90-72. see you in october!

90-71. the value of ninety wins going from second team out to wild card to first round bye in a matter of years is insane work

90-70. we can't buy a win against these guys, but we locked down the nominally easier playoff path, so it is what it is

90-69. hey. look at us. who would've thought? not me!

89-69. it still hasn't sunk in yet. it will soon enough

88-69. in the words of cal himself, might as well go win the whole fuckin' thing

Houston, we have liftoff.

87-69. SIT THE FUCK DOWN

OH MY GOD WE DID IT

86-69. CATCH THIS L LIKE ROBLES CAUGHT YOUR FEEBLE LOOPER

42-112. THEY'VE DONE IT

85-69. we might need a prayer circle for bryan woo

84-69. I am so ready to get my soul shattered this weekend. are you?

41-112. idk what else you can even say about this team that hasn't been said by everyone else

41-111. I know I already said it a few days ago, but fully three quarters of this pitching staff is never finding work with another MLB team ever again

83-69. never let matt brash pitch against the royals ever fucking again. oh well, just start another streak tomorrow

41-110. what a brutal end

83-68. TEN IN A ROW. CAL'S RISE CONTINUES. DOM CANZONE CAREER GAME. ALL GLORY TO THE ETSY WITCH

off-day update. I'm sure they 3D printed another drone to hit clutch october bombs for them. I'M SO SURE

40-107. insert six seven gif here 41-107. they have almost avoided infamy. good for them 41-108. how did nobody try and get jimmy herget at the deadline 41-109. someone please free kyle freeland and victor vodnik from this desolate wasteland

82-68. WOOOOOOOO FUCK THE WILD CARD

81-68. TO A PLACE WHERE BLIND MEN SEE

80-68. CAN YOU TAKE ME HIGHER

40-103. the pitching, like years past, is the source of all their problems 40-104. no other team will employ any of these pitchers ever again 40-105. but the offense is what really sent them to hell this year 40-106. if you can't even hit in coors, you're just utterly fucked

39-100. im not gonna lie coming up for captions is really hard 39-101. god this pitching is really special huh 40-101. nice win idiot. no room for error now 40-102. who the hell is mccade brown

79-68. halloween has come early to seattle with all these witches and knights

78-68. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

77-68. oh my god y'all it's happening

76-68. TOUGH AS NAYLZ

75-68. ALL HAIL THE ETSY WITCH