Sent this to husband. Still no reply. That's bad, right?

Penalty shootouts are too much for me so walking the dog. I can hear anguished men screaming like foxes through open windows all over the town

The floor is 90 % cool mats and wet towels. As per, the dog ignores them to sit inside a volcano in the garden that I SWEAR just appeared five minutes ago.

When writing try to avoid repeatedly jabbing yourself in the eye with a fork. If you are struggling with this, try writing in a space with no forks in it, such as the bathroom or a local pond.

Plus with everyone else under the table he probably got to eat, like, ten puddings.

Well this is nice. My film script has just been selected for its second festival, @uvff.bsky.social and we haven't even made it yet! We are producing this in partnership with the wonderful people at @thesurvivorstrust.bsky.social so we welcome each and every opportunity to promote their work.

Not just a cool language experiment but also a chilling short story. Love this

Everyone: Of course the Cavapoo can be clingy. Everyone: Tips to manage your Cavapoo's separation anxiety. Me: WHY DID SHE GET DOWN NO OVER HERE LOVE ME MOOOOOORRRRRE

Wow 2026 is whizzing by! Hard to believe there's only 8 months left in January.

Mum's on fire tonight. Watching the 2007 Persuasion she suddenly yelled "Just give her one" at Captain Wentworth. We were all thinking it.

My husband of nearly 14 years just texted me and didn't put a kiss at the end so I guess that's it then.

"Hi, hope all is good with you and the family! Are you still at the same address? It's just I always send you a card but don't get one back which is fine I mean most people don't even bother do they lol unless you actively want to sever all contact which again is fine anyway hope all is good with yo

It must be Monday. I just Whamaggedonned *myself*

In the spirit of festive good will and motherly acceptance, this year I'm going to wait until my daughter is at school to redo her pathetic attempt at the tree

Post your favorite "Lord of the Rings" character. Wrong answers only.

I know I should watch the new series of the pretty young / bald / 80s people loudly fighting evil but I'm too tired. Is there some way they could do it more quietly?

Personally I prefer my socialism half-blooded, with tonic and a twist of lime.

A group of film students said my Tommy Wiseau impression sounds just like him.

A font named "Black Betty", where every character is an ampersand.

What, and I mean WHAT the everloving fuck....

Just realised it's been 5 years and I still (pretty much) take the Covid safe route round the supermarket.

There's a genuine lack of interest these days in either the origins of Cotton-Eye Joe, or where he went, and that's sad.

So how many front pages do we think this story will be on tomorrow?

A pumpkin is a vegetable and a vegetable does not belong in a coffee. I'm sorry Starbucks but someone had to say it.

Am on holiday and genuinely surprised by how good my Spanish is until I remembered that 1. I don't speak Spanish 2. People are being polite to the middle aged drunk lady.

A poem, in four lines. I've called it simply, "the daughter"

I've just verified my age by singing all the lyrics to Scott and Charlene's wedding song.

YEEESSS. I'm, like, literally writing on this and everything. It flipping brilliant. Tell your mum.

You can always tell when my daughter's been in the bathroom. She could fall into a black hole and still manage to locate and stack nine toilet rolls in a neat pyramid.

Well hello there sticky boobsweat Again it's time to meet You simply are no use to me In the summer heat My head it may need cooling down My arms may feel the threat But you really serve no purpose And you make my bumcrack wet

The 14 yo just asked if we can watch "... the film where the stylish lady fixes up the scruffy woman's house and teaches her to dress nice then she falls in the river and gets her yellow dress muddy." Can anyone guess the film?

Have just been informed that I've said "that was a good sandwich that" a total of 4 times in the last hour. Don't even remember saying it once.

Weird to think of a bunch of very wealthy 70 yos voting on assisted dying. These guys must *really* trust their grandkids.

I always enjoy having a south facing garden during a heatwave.

Honestly I wouldn't want an iron throne if they were giving them away. Uncomfortable, cold and a bastard to move. (My hot GOT take from 2011 there, you're welcome)

We're all genuinely worried about him in our house. He's too invested.

Already planning my night, drunkly roaming the streets yelling "Sweden were robbed!" I don't want to be this guy I can't help how God made me

Love how many singers are in their 50s. Definitely helping keep my dream alive of one day winning #Eurovision.

Cannot express my excitement after I changed the oven light today. Seriously ovens have little bulbs right at the back and you can just change them, you don't even need to call someone.

While cleaning the kitchen today I remembered 8 unrelated stories I wanted to tell my husband, five of which he'd heard before. I tell you what he's a lucky man.

Very proud to have written on Curtis Jobling's Wolf King, now on Netflix. Recommended for kids 7 and up, anyone who enjoys epic fantasy adventures about shapeshifting werelords, and YOU.

Violets are blue Roses are red

The carpet fitter just called me "mate"!!! Day. Made.

After binging every episode of #uncanny, the 14 yo has carefully considered all the evidence, listened to every witness before, finally, concluding that @dannyrobins.bsky.social is "quite fit actually"

Such a warm, sparkling talent. Met him briefly as a lowly work experience student and he was every bit as warm and funny in real life as I could have hoped. RIP you lovely lovely man.

Switching between binge watching The Traitors and Squid Game is very confusing. I keep expecting Claudia Winkleman to shoot one of the contestants in the head.

Me looking at the year ahead.

Ugh. We're in to that bit of Christmas where we all have to pretend we like nuts.

Christmas can be a difficult time. I don't know who needs to hear this rn, but I look ADORABLE in my new pyjamas. If you also look adorable or have recently made an outstanding nightwear purchase, remember to spread the love. Peace out guys xx

This is the bit in The Holiday where my husband always says "Meh bollocks to her she works for the Telegraph"