I shall never be exauctorated, but that Dean might!

This is how I expect you to feel while waiting for your annual reviews too.

It is my understanding that Dr. Washington (allegedly) threatened Dr. Jackson with a chicken wing. We are looking into this … incident.

Happy New Year! May your productivity increase tenfold! I’ll be watching and expecting!

Why aren’t you grading?

Get your grades in on time or go on the List of Shame! This year we will put the list of late graders on the main website page. #ShameAsAMotivator

Dear ***Former*** Prospective Applicant, Sending the Dean and cc’ing the entire faculty the YouTube video of Reba McIntyre’s song “Why haven’t I heard from you” may not have been the best play on your part.

Yall are lucky I don’t have a podcast. The stories I’ve buried will chill you to the bone…

Type “I love my #AssDean with all my” and let predictive text fill in the rest! I love my AssDean with all my soul but it doesn’t work.

I’m not being a bitch; I’m deploying one. It’s called administrative strategery. #assdean

As we head into Thanksgiving break, I truly hope everyone gets the rest they keep telling me they don’t have time for.

This will help you understand me better! I’m at least a 2!

We have decided to halt international travel for faculty. If you want to go to an international conference please find one in this country. Thank you and please remember that we value your international research so much!

The new software we deployed to your devices is to protect you, not to spy on you!

You smell different when you’re awake.

Behind every great #AssDean is a very confused faculty.

The arc of the #AssDean universe is long, but it bends toward reality. Yall still complainin’!

If your over thinking about my policies and practices burned calories, you wouldn’t exist. Get back to work!

My student just called Cincinnati “Sin-Sin-Naughty”. This means effective immediately we will no longer support conferences in that den of filth. I hope to see you in Vegas next month though.

I speak fluent academic nonsense. It’s not my fault you do not understand it.

With the retirement of Professors Smith, Jones, and Williams, I am happy to announce my promotion from AssDean to ASSDean. Their salaries alone justified my promotion and raise. We will not be replacing their lines. We thank them for their combined 80 years of teaching and research to our college.

It’s not really my thing, but good morning to all of you who celebrate. Make sure you’re at Monday’s meeting by 750 a.m. Remember, on time is late! I will arrive around 2p.m. to debrief with you.

You found my long lost cousin!

I am not mean. I’m selectively nice. I just did not select you.

A sunflower expressing my very sentiments!

On Monday, you shall Labor. See you at the 8 am Zoom meeting. Look presentable from the waist up please!

Before was was was, was was is.

Faculty be like:

Winners focus on winning. Losers focus on winners.

Nobody cares. Work harder.

= > ÷

Be kind!

Faculty are (soon to be) back on contract! Let the meetings-that-could-have-been-emails commence!!! #favoritetimeofyear #meetingszn #assdeans

Why am I so successful? Easy. I’m e-bitch-ent. My e-bitch-ency was everything I needed to get to where I am!

…and despite the look on my face, you’re still posting..

I have instructed the librarians to move the Post-apocalyptical book section to Current Affairs.

I became much more effective once I changed the B in my bucket list to an F.

Who you give power to has power over you. Consider me a nuclear power plant.

The absence of likes won’t stop me from posting since I’m my own personal number one fan!

Do what you feel in your heart to be right -- for you'll be criticized anyway. -Eleanor Roosevelt

I identify with the octopi!

My Big Beautiful Policy modifications will be in your email boxes shortly. Here is the preview. It’s efficient. Just like Basic code. 10 PRINT "The AssDean is always right." 20 GOTO 10

My faculty treat me like God. Ignore me until they want something!

I’ll be comfortable at my desk though.

Don’t believe what you see in cartoons. I threw a plunger at Professor Johnson and it, in fact, did not stick to his face.

No matter where you’re going, there you are! Like a gnat.

Aka my office… away from YOU ALL!

I delete a letter off your name in my contacts every time you make me mad. When your name disappears into the void, you’re dead to me.