Nothing brings me greater joy than seeing a software engineer putting a sticker on their laptop upside down.

Working out sober kinda blows

Sunkist is the umami of sodas

Sometimes I wish I could wear my slippers in the shower

Because I won't bury the lead

In case you were wondering, you can get Gemini to make an image of Cornholio shooting Charlie Kirk. But you've gotta be slightly smart about it

My contribution in a high stakes meeting: Yeah, sounds great.

Wild sentence I just heard: Pizzaballa is in Israel right now...

Water has no business being this refreshing goddamn

As an IT professional, today I had to show a customer how to turn a TV on without a remote

Is this what it felt like in the early days of the Vietnam war? Because Trump is pretty much following that playbook but just swapped out Communism for nuclear weapons

I still chuckle when I think about my first boyfriend not believing me when I told him Freddie Mercury was gay

Swiping the timeline the last few years is Fucking wild. ::swipe:: Bisan reporting horrors as Israel drops bombs in the background ::swipe:: Billy Joel viral song/dance ::swipe:: Girl Dinner ::swipe:: Gen Z protests in Napal ::swipe:: subway takes ::swipe:: Trumps skin

I have turned into my father; muttering "jesus" and "goddam" under my breath as I read article after article of how much money the US has lost in JUST FIGHTER JETS.

I don't know where I've been the last 30 minutes. I think that is where I need to be.

Pour one out for the homies. Shits about to get rough.

With the state of the union tomorrow, I predict bombs to be dropped over Iran in the next 24 hours.

I can smell a utilikilt wearer a mile away

I've been needing to feel something again so I created an account on AP and I just comment on articles to rage bait the boot lickers and nazis.

This year I decorated it from memory. Happy Birthday, Babby.

My main man

I just had my first Guppy run in Balatro. My Edmond Pilled Joker Chads would get it.

Don't you love waking up to your robot vacuum using cat poop as a crayon all over your living room floor?

While I'm not prepared for it, I am ready for the great Kessler Syndrome reset.

Don't you love when you have your daily cry at your desk?

This one time I was casually seeing this guy and the ...morning after... I'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth and he walks in. He says good morning, steps 2 feet away to the toilet, drops trou, and starts pissin'.

I'm glad Hasan is this angry again and he's not letting shit slide. This is 2020 Hasan: Angry autistic news bro who literally has all-day to make a single point to ensure you look like a loser.

This was imprinted on my brain at the age of 19

Never thought I'd see the day where both of them were gone

Me playing Balatro: This game mocks me.

While the country is frozen, Washington is clear as a bell and producing insane sunsets

The most insane sunset while on a public ferry that was built in the late 60's

"I mean, it's a microwaveable egg. It should be called Man Egg." - My partner using the Arrested Development joke nickname we gave the José Andrés two ingredient scrambled eggs. The ingredients are mayonnaise and egg.

Cat on lap, Elysian Spring on the stereo, coffee on table, MilkDrop on the TV, editable kickin' in. Good morning

Terrorism's the surgical strike capability of the oppressed.

You know you're cooked when your FYP is serving you bleeding Nazis in Minneapolis, an orange cat with one brain cell, people screaming obscenities in ICEs face as they're trying to kidnap brown people, an Italian Greyhound with the zoomies...

Why is no one talking about how depending on what factory they're made in, Cheetos Puffs are wildly different chips!

I guess I'm having what the kids call a Crash Out over Heated Rivalry and my sister

Who knew that Minneapolis was going to be where the revolution was going to start. Fuck Nazis. Fuck ICE.

My partner chopping onions: They call me the human mandoline.

Putin has been in Trump's ear about Greenland for over a year at this point. Whoever controls the shipping lanes has control of so so so so so so much.

When talking about my partners cooking as of late Me: Are you in your fusion era? Him: I'm in my jazz era.

Crying over the vote to dissolve the Corporation for Public Broadcasting was not something I thought was going to happen

When Kessler Syndrome inevitably blows up all the Starlink satellites and there is too much debris in lower orbit to launch anything into space, can we please call it Musk Dust?

Lamenting the life of MTV

Balatro is the math singularity

I was the panic princess yesterday

The Vibes

*Listening to Fortress Around Your Heart* I cannot like Sting. It goes against my brand.