Roofers are always nailing in shingles with a "shave and a haircut" but never do the "two bits" part, thus driving entire neighborhoods nuts at once. This is how they fuel themselves through lunch, as it takes too long to come down the ladder to eat.

The best part about my "I ❤️ LSD*" shirt is that everybody (pharmacists, nurses, guy walking his dog, etc.) keeps complimenting it from way too far away to see the "* Lake Street Dive" part

I got today's Bandle in one try and it asked if I thought my friends could beat that. No, I don't.

(spoiler for today's Clues By Sam)

Bracing myself for Jimmy Fallon's cameo in Band of Brothers

Sudden urge to make pancakes for breakfast and slather them in Wisconsin maple syrup

If you liked this experiment, I published a full piece today in the same vein: a text that gets 100 years older with every section, from a modern blog post to a medieval chronicle. It's a single story spanning 1000 years of English. See how far you get. www.deadlanguagesociety.com/p/how-far-ba...

-- My ex, shortly before saying "we need to talk"

Hmm, maybe I won't learn Spiderwebs for karaoke

ALYSA MF'N LIU GOLD MF'N MEDALIST

"That's what I'm fucking talking about!" -- Alysa Liu

Nodding along to Olympic ice skating, fully aware that if I tried to put those little plastic guards on my skates and walk around, every ligament below my bellybutton would instantly vaporize

My dreaming brain tried to make a MAD Fold-In where the punchline was "grab my boobs", but it made no sense

Weird pants

Somebody on here said Starfleet Academy S1E6 was better than the entirety of Strange New Worlds S3 and I finally watched that episode and want to punch this person

Good morning to the skaters and the lugers

I make one exception to an otherwise universal policy of being decent and understanding with service workers and it's for the folks over at Spectrum who are clearly answering ten other chats at once

Pete, the magic dragon Lives by the sea Which started from this tropic port And doesn't like Sara Lee

Watching movie because I need my pain

Me, every 28 days: Where the FUCK is the GODDAMN moon

I made this before, but I couldn't find it, so here's a worse version:

Naomi Hunter who was Frank Jaeger's sister was one day in an office typing on a computer. She got an email from her brother that said, "Kawanishi-Noseguchi, Kinunobebashi, Takiyama, Uguisunomori, Tsuzumigataki, Tada, Hirano, Ichinotorii, Uneno, Yamashita, Sasabe, Kofudai, Tokiwadai, Myokenguchi"

Luge would be cooler and more fair if they launched off a steam catapult at the start, like on an aircraft carrier

Dreamed a mutual blocked me and sent me a handwritten note that said it was for "sharing a car-friendly meme", which, fair

Recipe idea: 3/4 of a ham sandwich

*extremely enlightened voice* They should have ice dancing where the men have to show all the skin and the women get to wear cozy warm outfits

"She is wearing Baccarat Rouge as her signature scent and he is wearing something with a cowboy on it." -- Johnny Weir with the perfectly calibrated amount of cattiness lol

@dot-lvl.bsky.social I wonder if a video like this would appeal to you because of your love of FF4 and history as a translator or annoy you because he keeps interrupting FF4 gameplay and possibly translating it differently than you would haha www.youtube.com/watch?v=yW5b...

Late night Come home Work fucks I know

Olympian Breezy Johnson from Jackson Hole and her evil cousin Jackson Johnson from Breezy Hole

Watching TNG "The Inner Light" because apparently I want to bawl and then go back to work

The world is a shit right now, but a tiny corner of it is okay every time Johnny Weir says "Terrence"

Drake Mayen't

This Super Bowl would be better if Tirico were horribly jetlagged from Olympic coverage and started speaking in tongues

Did the worst thing I've ever done in my life: bought one-ply toilet paper

Watching the new episode of The Muppet Show

time to sharpen up the oak stakes

I've Got Tears in My Ears from Lying on My Back in My Bed While I Cry Over You (a song title I thought Dave Barry made up, but is real)

Trying again with watching movie (Bugonia)

Me doing my morning doomscroll

Subvert is now expanding its active / live Artists selection. After testing with some of our earliest and vocal Artist-Members, we’re now rolling out access to 50 more Artists - with more to come soon as we test, iterate, and prepare for full platform launch. Join the co-op at subvert.fm

Waiting for a sentence break so I can pause my podcast and go pee but it's using modern editing that removes all the gaps so I just piss my pants at my desk

Mulligatawny Phil

Executive Odor 🤣🤣🤣

Mercado Central says the cooperative is in danger of losing the building ☹️ gofund.me/cf76f8dcb

@chipcheezum.bsky.social Can you pop into @diabetus.bsky.social's Twitch and tell us about your McNugget-dipping strategy when you were a kid

Let's do this. www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtQ9...

❤️

I'm up too late; ask me nothing

One Battle After Another: March of the Black Queen