Oh no, if Bill Clinton is in the Epstein files I’ll have to take down my Bill Clinton flag, burn my Bill Clinton hat, get rid of all my Bill Clinton shirts, and not buy anymore Bill Clinton bibles, NFTs, or crypto! 🤷‍♂️🙄

I will have the utmost respect for the first reporter who responds to one of Trump’s juvenile insults with “F**k you, a**hole.”

Mike Johnson just referred to himself as a legal scholar. 😂

Operation Epstein

From October to April in the Northeast there are 3 states of being: I feel a cold coming on, I have a cold, I’m getting over a cold. That’s it. 🤧

I can’t figure out if I hurt my elbow playing football yesterday, or facepalming myself too hard during the Giants game. 🤷‍♂️🤦‍♂️🥴

I’m going to tell people I was actually at their Halloween party, but I was dressed as The Epstein Files which is why you couldn’t see me. 🤷‍♂️🎃

I was going to go as Mike Johnson for Halloween this year, but I couldn’t figure out a way to remove my spine. 🤷‍♂️🎃

I just saw someone say they are voting for Cuomo because Mamdani is, and I quote, a nepo baby. Wondering if they know what the Tappen Zee Bridge is called now. 🤷‍♂️😂

I find myself agreeing with Marjorie Taylor Greene far more frequently than I’m comfortable with these days. 😳

Hate to break the news to you, MAGA, but he’s sh*tting on you too. 💩

very new threat, every new deployment, and every new distraction, only strengthens my belief that whatever is in those Epstein files must be very, very, VERY bad. 🤷‍♂️

I couldn’t care less who gets “blamed” for the government shutdown. The only thing I care about is if the Democrats cave I will have to pay thousands of dollars more for the health insurance I ALREADY pay thousands of dollars for. HOLD. THE. LINE!!!

What if the Rapture actually DID happen but it was just that nobody on Earth was deemed worthy of ascending to heaven. 🤔

Can someone please explain this whole Tylenol thing in Epstein terms? 🤷‍♂️

This is a very educational thread. The more you know…

It was never about Charlie Kirk, because it will never be about anyone but Trump. Full stop.

The irony is, once Colbert and Kimmel are out from under the thumb of the spineless network execs, their voices will only become louder and stronger. Broadcast tv is not the biggest megaphone anymore.

Oh, and anyone who does not properly mourn Robert Redford should be fired, jailed, waterboarded and forced to watch every Scott Baio straight-to-video movie on a loop!

I mean, they’ve gotta run out of spaghetti to throw at the walls soon, right? 🤷‍♂️🤦‍♂️

If only Jonas Salk had invented a vaccine against stupidity first…

To quote former Republican senator Howard Baker when speaking about Richard Nixon’s involvement in the Watergate scandal: "What did the president know, and when did he know it?" Seems like a very apropos question to be asking today… 🤷‍♂️

I have no idea what Trump’s big announcement today is all about, but I’m sure the timing has nothing to do with the fact that the Epstein victims are talking to Congress tomorrow or that people won’t stop talking about his health. 🤫

Senior discounts are wild; congrats on making it this far, here’s a few bucks off your movie ticket. 👏👏👏😂

Regardless of what happens with these Ukraine negotiations, you have to admit this has got to be the longest 24 hours in history! 😂

Man, he must REALLY want to get this done!

When did Emmanuel Macron turn into Jamie Dutton?! 🤷‍♂️

Can someone explain this in Epstein terms? 🤷‍♂️

Unless Stallone will be doing a dramatic reading of the Epstein files accompanied by Gloria Gaynor and KISS performing a metal version of I Will Survive, I'll pass. 😂

Imagine being such a miserable POS that you ask the Supreme Court to legalize your ability to discriminate. SMH

If anyone has a paving stone patio they want to grow grass and weeds in, hit me up. Apparently I’m somewhat of an expert in that. 🤦‍♂️

Republicans: We don’t have a gun problem in this country, we have a mental health problem. Everyone: Ok, let’s fund mental health services, make them more accessible, and require insurance companies to cover it. Republicans: No

Billy Joel: And So It Goes That’s it. That’s the post. ❤️

Just found out Aaron Judge was adopted, which kind of makes his birth mom the Pete Best of parents. 😂

MLB has to investigate the Mets pitching staff. I think they’re betting on our opponents. 🤦‍♂️

Once more for the people in the back: Socialism does NOT mean Communism! That’s Republican propaganda which, ironically, is a hallmark of Communist regimes.

Ted Cruz is urging people to leave NYC for Texas after Mamdani's win, and I'm thinking most New Yorkers would be more than happy to see anyone who would take advice from Ted Cruz go! 😂

You know what they say, if you can’t stand the heat, get out of New Jersey. 🤦‍♂️🥵

Clearly the way to destroy Iran’s nuclear program is to test a few SpaceX Starships over there. 🤷‍♂️

I will absolutely cheer for a Trump parade someday… well, it would really be more of a procession, but still.

Today I will happily celebrate the 250th Anniversary of the US Army, Flag Day, and of course, National Bourbon Day… oh wait, it’s also someone special’s birthday today. Hmm, who could it be? Oh right, Happy Birthday… Boy George! 🇺🇸🏳️‍🌈😂

If you want to fully understand what’s going on in LA, just look up “The Gulf of Tonkin Incident” or the phrase “Remember The Maine” and it will all make sense.

In Jersey, we give out a different kind of Tony Award…

As a Giants fan I can enjoy watching the Eagles and Cowboys beat the crap out of each other without rooting for either one of them to win. Just saying.

If ever there was a time for SNL to come out of hiatus for a few weeks, this would be it. 😂

Asking Trump's speech writers how they capture his voice so well...

Fuck Yeah!

Maybe they should start playing this now instead of Hail to the Chief. 🤷😂

I thought all the talk about the Knicks throwing game 5 so they could win the series at The Garden was silly… until tonight. 😮

I am "no idea who that 'celebrity' is" years old. 😐