“at least you weren’t raped or molested” at this rate i almost wish i was so you would take me the slightest fucking bit seriously but even then i’m sure you’d find a way to tell me to get over it anyway

(inhaling thru my teeth really hard) fed is better than hungry fed is better than hungry fed is better than hungry

one moment i’ll be like “yay i love to eat a yummy meal. gotta get that nutrition” and the next i’ll be like “i have to stop eating for the next week and become thinner or i’ll fucking die”

brain feels like a soup of ingredients that don’t make sense together

i relapsed and it wasnt even satisfying to do. like sure it was easy to clean but i expected more out of it

boy oh boy is it fucking bad

constantly swapping between wanting to eat a yummy meal and feeling immense shame and guilt and dysmorphia for wanting to eat

aaaaoooouuuurrrrrggghhhhh

my identity feels like a revolving door, in a way. sometimes it’s completely still for awhile and then suddenly rapidly shifting and spinning and i have a completely different sense of self. either that or i’m just making all this shit up. ughhhhh

knowing how much weight i’ve put on in the past year has been making me feel sick. a lot of the time it makes me want to not eat at all

do you regret what you did to me. i know it’s useless for me to but i hope it never leaves the back of your mind. i hope it haunts you every day for the rest of your life. i hope that burden outweighs the one you forced upon me as a child ten times over

little guy doodles

i fucking hate you. i miss you

i looked at my old tumblr i made back when i was starting out at college bc i was worried as an art student someone mightve asked me for my tumblr.

works like a charm

that one post about being bi but its like “i think i might have a dissociative disorder but i have a job so idrc about that right now”

every couple of weeks i go into a depressive spiral about how i'm pathetic and worthless and unworthy of love from others and it feels like it always ends the same way

i keep having very unhappy thoughts about myself

i want to isolate myself! i think i deserve it

had a conversation with myself in order to talk myself into wanting to eat. i feel pathetic for it but i don’t feel like i have much else

i don't want to think about it but paradoxically i want someone to listen

all within reach!

i would say i wish i could pass off my trauma to non traumatized people who claim to want it bc they think its sexy and fun but i wouldnt wish that on anybody. not even my worst enemy

it pops up in the most unexpected places and now i want to fucking scream

every goddamn second is stressful because my stupid brain doesnt know when to shut off the danger alarm

people who claim to want trauma because it sounds “fun” No you dont No the fuck you do not

had a ptsd episode so bad i wanted to throw up but i also had to mask it because i was at work lol lmao

never get ptsd its annoying at best and nonstop soul crushing pain at worst

so so fragile

(screenshotted bc character limit)

the desire to post my vent art to my main bc i crave validation but can't in good conscience do that

because i'm scared

i want to feel like a real person!

specifically i feel like this

feeling kinda triggered all of a sudden ngl

dissociated thru most of drawing these

they should invent a defense mechanism that doesnt make me feel constant emotional distress

id say i wish i could just dissociate through the day but id still feel present even if disconnected

had a surreal dream last night and in it i got called a sh/ota and now i feel slimy

i fucking hate twitter i logged on, had a hypervigilance relapse for a good hour? two hours? (i lost track of the time) and found out a mutual follows a l/olicon and i am far too drained ot tell her

oooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my god

hypervigilance doomscrolling can be so hard to stop because i’m not always conscious of it. it’s so annoying

i'm not letting myself spiral god damn it

i tend to spiral a lot. but i've tried to make an effort as of late to stop myself before i spiral too much or at all and idk if it's just how sick i am rn but it's been so fucking EXHAUSTING. i'm so tired.

stop having full on hypothetical conversations in your head you big dummy. catastrophizing and letting a worst case scenario play out in your head is not good for you. rehearsing how you think a conversation is going to happen but probably never will is so utterly pointless. draw a picture instead

snapped out of a trance where it felt like in a metaphorical sense that i’m a passenger while someone else is driving the car. it happens so much

caught myself wondering if she ever still thinks of me and regrets what she did to me but i had to whack myself on the head with a newspaper. who cares what she thinks. i want closure but i don’t NEED it.

i always felt so apprehensive about seeing a therapist again after my experiences as a teenager but this is great now actually i love having a therapist

recently i read a few old posts of mine dating back to when i was 17 and i made a few posts like “hehe i’m an adult” like hell no the fuck you are not

the more i recall the finer details of the past the more distressed i become bc absolutely none of it was normal. these adult nsfw accounts really did have no problem with me following and befriending them knowing full well how old i was. i should’ve known better sure. but they should’ve even moreso