Estelle's "American Boy" = "Hey reddit! Me and my mates are visiting the USA for the first time. We want to start in NYC, tour DC, honkey tonk in Nashville, rodeo in Texas, gamble in Vegas, party with celebrities in LA and fly back out of New York a week later. What's the best route? We're driving."

Cop: "I.D." Pear: "LOL WUT"

Women should NOT have to do one single extra thing than a man does. #FTFY

This weekend's hot new film is a book. (And it's free!)

Remember when connecting with people online was fun? Me neither.

Time wounds all heels.

They're playing Sade at the #PunkRockFleaMarket 😆 Yes, the same one from the 90s smooth jazz radio station in my mom's car.

I got WHAM'ed and Bluesky is forcing me to enter a birthday. Today needs to be less invasive.

There are 10 (TEN 😡) people here. But at least I have someone to talk to.

People on dating apps: "I let a corporation manage my social interactions for me and it's going BAD! 😭😭😭"

If not big fun, then why big fun shape?

This buffet sucks

This is the real party, Chris.

Maybe it's an artistic choice, but I think the antlers should be white. Otherwise it just looks like a messy poo.

I'm on the ferry practicing my Big Presentation, the guy behind me is sleeping, and the guy next to me is playing the French horn. I don't know what the guy in front of me is doing because his window tint is enviably dark, but I hope he's having enough sex for the rest of us.

The butterfly crab looks like a tapdancing hat.

"Imagine this--" the AI bot regularly commands, even though the bot itself can't do that. "Get fucked," I reply, knowing it can't do that either.

Remember how the Republicans used to demonize homosexuality before Peter Thiel bought JD Vance and made him vice president? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

Parents when literally anything happens: "Waaaah! Think of the CHILDREN!" Parents literally anywhere with their children: "Bring the iPad, I don't want to think of my children.

"I don't have an opinion about that" has gotten me out of so many pointless conversations with absolute morons. It doesn't even have to be true.

I personally did not want Charles in Charge of Me.

The SEA LEMON has GILLS on its BUTT. What do you have on YOUR butt? Not much, I bet!

Notice how Republicans forget all about "states' rights" when it's not about defending racism

Oh goody. We can haunt our friends forever, sponsored by Coca-Cola.

I get bad parking, but this is way over the line.

Overly Hot Take: Building a fire sucks when it's 80° and sunny out.

Listening to neuroscientists talk about how we destroy our brains doing normalized things like looking at screens, having a few drinks, spending time alone, and taking medication is like Scared Straight for adults.

When a crab offers you a backrub, you say YES!

A devil's three-way wasn't on my list today, but I'm game

My BFF at the salon today

People who exclaim "Everyone is so quiet today!" are wild. Are you looking for problems? No news is good news. Enjoy the silence.

Gonna put clips of myself hosting Teams meetings into a 90-minute video, splice in some AI-generated explosions, and tell the kids it's #WarOfTheWorlds

Women: I have two degrees and three years' experience at a Fortune 50 but I'm not sure if I qualify for this data entry job. Men: I told a joke once and people laughed, so I am embarking on my new career as a full-time comedian.

I like turtles. 🧟‍♀️

Forgiveness does not equal access. Keep your boundaries clear and protect your peace! 💗

I learned two new terms today: - Columbian marching powder - Midnight ballerina (I don't get out much.)

We should tell Trump supporters that Jesus said to release the Epstein files and it's in the Bible. They haven't read it so they won't know.

Actual Developers: "With AI, everyone is going to fancy themselves a developer!" Actual Journalists: "Welcome to the shit show."

I crossed HIS path! Good luck, little meow-meow pupper!

The male loneliness epidemic is just a small group of whiny losers who blame other people for their own personality flaws. Whether or not this take is total shit, this message will yield me multiple new followers and more engagement on my posts about unrelated topics.

I don't like when the introduction of a book begins on page xvi or whatever. If I'm reading pages text that are relevant to the overall content, they should count for real! #PageOneGang

"We should not blame audiences for their disinterest. It’s our job to write shows so compelling that audiences aren’t even thinking about their phones."

I was today years old when I learned you can remove the rubber gasket from a Vitamix blender before you put it in the dishwasher to keep it from warping. 😖

Eating my breakfast popcorn at #VashonIslandFilmFestival and reminding you to support a local secular organization today!

I just straight-up kicked a man-spreader who wouldn't make room for me to sit down. It didn't feel great, but years of saying "excuse me" and waiting for them to become self aware hasn't done shit.

If anything can be a dildo if one is brave enough, then each of our dildohoods directly correlates with the bravery of those around us. #philosophy

Scary multi-vehicle collision on SB I-5 in downtown Seattle last night. An erratic driver caused at least 2 other cars and himself to spin out at 60+mph. I feel like I had a front row seat at a 3-second immersive Michael Bay movie and watched at least several people's lives change forever.

Among other Smurf paraphernalia, my neighbor gave me this. "I don't know what to do with it," she said while I remained awkwardly silent.

I was in my old neighborhood for a doctor appointment and ran into Sammy's dad. More accurately, I saw some guy who lived in my building for more than 10 years, and Sammy is his chihuahua.