Never fear! The god damn new Cracker Barrel logo is here!!!!!

My manager called me in the middle of a god damn Kojak episode asking if I wanted to come in!!! I said, no! He said, can I ask why?!! So I said, only assholes go to work on their day off! He said, today was my day off and I came in. I said, bingo! and hung up! #Walmart

My boss makes a dollar while I make a dime!!! That's why I shit my pants on company time!!!! #Walmart

Bob Ross!!! You gotta be god damn shittin me!!!

Need a new car stereo?! Come to Crazy Ralph's Car Stereo! We test each car stereo with nothing but Kid Rock ditties because, let's face it, if we can make that bullshit sound good we can make anything sound good! Use promo code DOOM and get a free Conway Twitty CD of your choice!

According to the ditty that just played, apparently,  You want it all but you can't have it!!!! And also, It's in your face but you can't grab it!!!!! #WalmartRadio

What it's like hanging out with me!!!!!!!!!

It's so god damn hot I saw Jason stop and spray a few sprays of water on his mask yesterday while he was chasing down a victim!!!!! #heatwave2025

DM of DOOM!!!!!

This is who runs this god damn account!!!!!!!

I got kicked out of karate class last night for shitting my god damn gi!!!!!!!!

DM of DOOM!!!!!!

Another Friday the 13th is in the god damn books!!!!!! People Wanged, people chunged, and I'm sure lots of doobies were smoked!!!! Hopefully things can get back to normal!!!!!!!!

I took an early flight to Oakland!!!! No god damn masked assholes will be bothering me today!!!!!

Last night I woke up and the ghost of Conway Twitty was in my room! He said, "Ralph, Muffin is about to shit in your yard!" Then he disappeared! I looked out my window and there she was! I said, Muffin, leave this place! And she ran away! Thanks Conway! I god damn owe you one!

Same!!! Only substitute shit my pants for take a nap!!!!

In 1985, after watching Back to the Future, I had the idea of putting a god damn flux capacitor on my bike, go back to 1945, kick Elias in the Jimmy using the crane technique I learned the year before, and make Jason's birth impossible!! I just couldn't get my bike up to 85 mph!

Someone broke into my homestead last night and took all the god damn Burger King coupons I had hanging on my frigidaire!!!!!!

I spent all weekend passed out!!!! What did I miss?!!!!!!!

You're doomed if you stay here!!!

My fantasy baseball opponent is cursed! Cursed!!!!!

I can cross this off the god damn bucket list!!!!!!!

Happy Mother's Day to my god damn mom!!!! 134 and still kickin!!!!!

And that, kids, is how I got a 2 week ban from the god damn Cracker Barrel!!!!!!

I told you sons a bitches we were doomed 5 parsecs ago!!!!!!!!!!!! #MayThe4thBeWithYou #MayThe4th

Luke!! You will go to Piggly Wiggly! There you will find Pizzeria Combos on sale 4/$10.00! You will buy them out and bring them to my homestead and I'll reuimburse you! I'd do it myself, but my one week ban for shitting my pants hasn't ended yet! #MayThe4thBeWithYou #MayThe4th

The Cantina better have Johnnie Walker or someone is going to lose a god damn arm!!! #MayThe4thBeWithYou #MayThe4th

This bullshit just went down at the Crystal Lake Denny's! Worker - Name? Me! - just a second I think I god damn shit my pants! Worker - Sir? Me! - hold up I just god damn shit my pants! Worker - Sir, language! Me! - Sorry! Hold up I just god damn poo poo'd my pants!

My grandma and your grandma was sitting by the fire!!!! My grandma told your grandma.....

I don't remember going to Arbys last night, but I was there when I woke up this morning!!!!!!!!

And if the cops show up, you're drunk and the tree is a god damn stop sign down town!!!!!!!

I just saw the commercial for the season finale of Fire Country!!!! There was a god damn fire!!!!!!!!!!!

The Crystal Lake Playhouse is putting on a performance of Annie Get Your God Damn Gun and I got a part!!!! I'll be playing Pants Shitter #1!!!!!!!!

Watch me play Conway Twitty ditties on OnlyJams!!!!

Hot damn!!!!!!! Thanks Easter Bunny!!!! Now hop off before Jason sees ya!!!!!!

Today I turn 113!!! I'm a god damn teenager again!!!!

DM of DOOM!!!!!

DM of DOOM!!!!!

You may sneeze when ready!!!!

Attention McDonald's diners!!!!!!!!! I came here to eat ice cream and shit my pants!!!! And, as you can probably guess, the ice cream machine is god damn down!!!!!!!!

Don't you wish your boyfriend was drunk like me?!!!!!!!

This Saturday at 7pm at the downtown parking lot right in front of the god damn porta potties Crystal Lake's premier power trio, Death Curse, will be playing ditties off their debut album, Dogshit and Sassafras! You're not going to want to miss this bullshit!!!

I once watched two grown men throw hands over the last rotisserie chicken while the muzak version of We Didn't Start the Fire played in the background!!! #Walmart

Cause he's got one hand in his pocket, and the other one is rolling a doobie!!!!!!

I've officially quit drinking!!!!!!!

DM of DOOM!!!!!

Dear Lenny Kravitz!!!! Yes I'm gonna go your way!!! There better be a bottle of Johnnie at the end of the goe damn trip!!!!

What a god damn day that was!!!!!! #openingday

You had me at '9 shots'!!!!!!!!!!!