loading . . . How Dare You Embarrass My Esteemed Guest, Jason Voorhees _“President Trump assailed an American journalist in the Oval Office on Tuesday for asking Saudi Arabia’s crown prince, Mohammed bin Salman, about the violent death of a_ Washington Post _columnist at the Saudi Consulate in Istanbul in 2018. ‘You don’t have to embarrass our guest by asking a question like that,’ Mr. Trump told the journalist.” — _ New York Times
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Excuse me, what kind of a question was that? Good God, do you kiss your mother with that mouth? I can’t believe you’d put our esteemed guest, Jason Voorhees, on the spot like that with your horrible, insubordinate, terrible, muckraking, fact-based journalism. That’s no way to treat a gentleman. That’s my friend you’re humiliating. Only I’m allowed to humiliate my friends.
Didn’t anyone ever teach you manners? Were you raised in a barn, piggy? Our guest came all the way from Camp Crystal Lake. Traffic was a nightmare. He didn’t have to make the trek—in fact, many people were saying he shouldn’t have come at all, that it’s actually crazy he’s coming—but he showed up anyway. That took a lot of guts. And how do we repay him? By asking him about the teens, right from the jump. Disgusting.
I am so sick of hearing about the teens. It was the 1980s. People don’t understand that New Jersey in the ’80s was a different time. Move on.
Look, things happen. And what happens at Camp Crystal Lake should stay at Camp Crystal Lake. We can’t hold everyone accountable for every little thing they’ve ever done. Our administration actually prides itself on not holding anyone accountable for anything. No hurt feelings here! So let’s not pour salt in old stab wounds.
Jason, I’m sorry for her insolence. You’re welcome here. You matter. You, sir, slay!
Aw, he’s blushing. You’ve made him so uncomfortable, he’s literally blood red under that big ol’ hockey mask. It’s okay, Jason, the shame is with her. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and the stronger you are, the more you can kill. Kidding!
Have you lying, unprofessional jerks at ABC, considered that the teens were annoying? That a lot of people didn’t even like those teens very much? That those teens had bad vibes and probably would have grown up to have even worse vibes? I’m just saying!
No matter how much you insult and try to rattle our sweet little prince Jason, we’re still giving him a bunch of brand-new machetes. We need the money. Picture this: Ballroom 2.0.
We’ve got the late, great Hannibal Lecter coming next week. Are you going to behave like this when he’s here? I’ll tell you one thing, he won’t stand for that lip. He’ll give you a knuckle sandwich, then he’ll take your knuckles and make them into a sandwich.
Apologize to Jason. Like you mean it. Like your life depends on it.
In this hallowed office, we treat people with respect. We don’t air their (ALLEGEDLY!) dirty laundry out in front of them for everyone to see. All your crappy company knows how to do is weaponize slander and fake news. It’s un-American. The FCC should take your license, chop it up into tiny pieces, and dispose of it. https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/how-dare-you-embarrass-my-esteemed-guest-jason-voorhees
