If Bluesky dies, who’s going to ignore my posts?

Who cares why? We should all just be happy Dean Cain quit acting.

I probably wouldn’t hate my bathroom mirror as much if it wasn’t such a stupid, stupid liar.

Not surprised the Catholics gave up on birth control after what happened to Mary.

My 4th alien probing was the one that got me thinking, ‘This is not about science anymore.’

Sexy posts drive more engagement. That’s why I wrote this one pantless.

Brought way too many cats to this funeral.

Imagine how proud we’re making Jerry Springer right now.

If God loves us so much, why the mosquitoes?

Cancel my exorcism. I want to see where this goes.

I can’t think of anything clever to skeet. So just pretend this is a super cute cat picture.

7 days since the Bezos wedding. Still no ‘thank you’ card for the blender.

Organized a protest march against plantar fasciitis. Surprisingly poor turnout.

The Big Beautiful Bill is just the shot of Ivermectin America needs right now.

Just offered an ICE officer $30 to cut my lawn. My last guy did it for $15, but he didn’t show up for work today.

Ouija board just asked me for my banking information. Not sure why. But who am I to argue with the ghost of a Nigerian prince?

Wish God’s plan for me included more waffles.

Loving The New York Philharmonic’s newest diss track. Suck on that Boston Symphony Orchestra!

Usually I find parades boring. It’s nice to be terrified by one for a change.

I bet the rich don’t even taste that good.

Every day is ‘Judgement Day’ when you can see into your neighbour’s apartment.

If you were God, would you bless America right now?

If the marines are going to be in LA anyway, they should do something about Disneyland prices.

Wondering how welcome someone named Jesus, with a Middle Eastern passport, would be in America right now.

My surprise party turned out to be an intervention. No cake.

If I had Jesus’ abs, I’d be shirtless in all my pictures too.

Call me sentimental but I miss being a fetus.

The children from the Kars4Kids commercials hate us. That’s why they sing us that song. Because they hate us.

Honestly, Mars looks stupid in red.

Made a solemn promise to God NEVER to use my poetry degree for evil.

If the neighbours don’t want to see me naked, why the hell would they get a doorbell camera?

Undid another shirt button for the sausage sample lady at Costco. One per customer my ass.

If Jesus died in a Kia Sorento, would people wear tiny cars around their necks?

Discovered Howie Mandel’s face on a piece of toast this morning. I guess miracles can be annoying too.

Forget Jesus. I wish Bowie would come back.

Ancestry test claims I’m 45% dachshund. Haven’t been this shocked since my heartworm scare.

Society should know more about whoever’s buying those gallon sized mayonnaise drums at Costco.

Anyone see the sunset last night? Boring.

The pope has had nearly a full week to bring Hooters back. Still nothing

Fuck the neighbours. Haiku party at my place this afternoon.

Not sure what’s going on. Are we supposed to storm The Vatican or not?

Wondering how much Count Chocula I can eat before God stops caring about me.

Haven’t seen the Pope since the Easter egg hunt. Hope everything is okay.

Failed second attempt to prove I’m not a robot. Self-doubt starting to creep in.

I’ve never been prouder to lie about being Canadian.

Wearing my papal vestments to my staff meeting. Dress for the job you want.

I prefer Messiahs that don’t get captured and tortured.

Fuck evolution. I want my tail back.