What the fuc-

And who, pray tell, are you? What business do you have here?

I believe the results speak for themselves.

So, you and Asuna, huh? What's the story there?

Detective Kirito, Aincrad P.D. I'm on the hunt for a serial killer, and these three are the only witnesses. I'm gonna need you gentlemen to put down your weapons.

Oh, I'll put it *down*, alright.

Wouldst thou shutteth the fuck up?!

What did you do to me, Schmitt? What did you do?

DIE! DIE! DIIIIIEEEEE!!!

I thought you looked really cool, Kirito!

Yeah, I do not care for you.

D'uh, nothing! Hey, look at this!

She was right. Griselda's ghost really is coming for us! And now, I'm the only one left! Soon, she'll ride my bloated corpse up the river Styx, and escape to the world of the living... and then... there'll be no stopping her!

Eh, nothing interesting.

Kirito. As the sole survivor of the Midnight Black Cats, the debt naturally falls to you. The Don sends his regards.

NO! HE'S! MIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!

What?! F-Fake his death? You mean... Kains isn't dead?

Enjoy this while you can. It's the deepest you'll ever be in a woman.

Well, when I said we decided to sell the item, it wasn't exactly unanimous. Kains, I, and another player voted to keep it. A lancer named Schmitt.

NO TIME TO UNPACK THAT NOW!!!

There *is* no body!

D'uh, hey, look! Literally anything else! Let's pay attention to it!

Don't worry, Kirito. I've got your back. With the two of us, our love can conquer anythi-

Alright, men! Form up and-

I... may have been sort of tailing you since you left. But not in a weird way!

Why is this mountain so freaking cold?!

But why would Grimlock have suspected Kains?

I saved her, Asuna. I saved Yui.

Wait. You've never met them? I thought you sai- Oh... my... god...! You're not a member... You're a fanboy! That's amazing!

God. What is it with you women and crying under bridges. You're like trolls.

Oh, good. Another one. Well, all are welcome in the House of the-

Yeah, remind me to draw on your face more often. I'll eat like a king. Or at least a very wealthy janitor.

Fuck. Fuck! Shut up! SHUT UP!

Um, boss? A- A thought occurs. This guy thought he was going up against Laughing Coffin, but he still just brought himself and a... small child. We sure we wanna mess with this guy?

Our WHAT?!

No. It's because... I don't know how to play.

Alright! So, we got us a game plan!

Have at yooooooouuu... I... feel like this was longer...

Well, the thing about that is... Later!

They certainly do.

Um, hello? Hel- Hello? Um, hello, people? Kinda talking here. Focus. Kay. Yeah, I'm just gonna go ahead and disable general chat her-

That kinda... went in a different direction than I was expecting.

Oh, don't worry about me, Kirito. I can take care of myself.

Oh my god! This is amazing! You really had no idea they were livestreaming?!

Oh no! Well, let's get going! We've got no time to lose!

Well, dude. It's, like, 80 pages.

Um, excuse me? *I* fought a dragon. At best, the dragon fought *you*.

Really? You need *my* help?

Well...

He's mine!