One of my more selfish desires is that I wish someone would play the games I play like me. I love my friends, I love playing with them, I wouldn't ever say no to a hang out. But... god I can't. I feel like they don't care as much as I do, to the extent I do.

My love is life, my life I love.

I remember. I used to get so wrung out when I saw that I had a message, and I hadn't responded. Or that I responded so quickly and they aren't. It used to stress me so, so bad. Constant checking, horrible guilt, making sure I didn't miss anything else.

I'm digging a hole and I'm asking you to look. Whether you look or comment on it does not matter. I am also able to get out of the hole.

I wake and I scream at myself to get out of bed. Every morning. On my way to class, I repeat the words, "I'll get through, I'll get to go home." At home, until I have to go to bed, "I have to go to bed in..." If I don't, distressed. In bed, "I have to sleep, I have to sleep, I have to wake up."

I know more often than not I get fired up and I act like I care a lot about thinks that people either shouldn't or should care less about. However, I promise you in reality, in my actual body I don't really care about what I might be saying or shouting. And you can say that I'm just saying that.

I think I've steeled myself. In metal that burns.

Thought I wasn't in the cycle. The cycle got longer, or I reset it before it could end. Now I've done neither, and I'm at that end I dread so much. But my dread is overriden by my hate, ever consuming and poisoning my mind's well. I guess I'll see how good I've gotten this time.

That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore

I will kill myself.

Forgot to post this last night.

I feel sick.

Last night was the most painful it's been in a long time.

Like scathing iron, I'm reminded again.

Where it counts, when it matters. I promise I'll always be as honest as I can. I'm sorry if I'm vague, though.

I'm kept up at night often, but something I always grapple with is the issue of faith and the absence of it. Logically, I really have no reason to believe in it. But, a part of me screams to believe in something, anything, any faith. Just having someone to believe, having someone to confess to.

I wake up every day and I have no drive or will or any dreams. I sleep, and I sleep a bit more. And then I'm awake, to sleep a little bit more. Then maybe I'll wake up. It isn't like this everyday, but if I had the choice, it would be.

Regardless of what I do I have found that I follow in the footsteps of those I want to be close to, rather than stepping next to them. Perhaps I am like a pet more than I am a human.

My eyes burn deep when I open them.

And I'm still at 0. Waking up I tell myself I'll start again and I just keep doing it. I can't stop. I can't stop no matter how badly I want to. I can't.

I thought I could atleast do somewhat well but when I awake to see what the result is, I failed. Completely. Maybe this isn't for me. Maybe I won't ever be able to do well. Why is everything so difficult? Why can't I pass? I feel pathetic.

I'm so sorry I relapsed. I couldn't help myself. I thought I was doing well but now I'm back to 0.

I honestly think about how deep these characters (Noble Team) really go because I feel like people don't give them enough credit since reach shows things mostly through subtlety. Such as like... Kat's hard exterior and bravado or you know, Emile's cynicism more being a coping method.

I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, it's like you're gonna kill me, like you're right behind me with a knife but I just don't know when. What do I do? How can I forget you? Please just leave my life. I don't wanna look over my shoulder anymore.

There's this idea I've had for a long while where I want to get like a little notebook or something. While I'm walking or going to different places, I'd see memorials or dedications to dead people and write those down in the book, as its posted.

It's a shame the shots of noble team dying are so tragic because they're consistently my favorite shots in the whole game.

Ok, to be honest, I don't know what crack I was smoking cause Six isn't really edgy. Its just the air that surrounds them. Which is honestly better than whatever Emile has going on.

These two are also really edgy. Like intentionally and not intentionally. Does that make sense? Emile more intentional, Six less intentional, but they're really mirrors of each other. It is also really funny cause it makes Emile look like a nerd, but Six does it more tactfully.

Emile and Six are the only two to always keep their helmet on, so do you think they'd do head bunting? But like, kinda hard. Probably hard enough to crack a skull or some shit. I feel like they would.

I really like spending a lot of time looking up songs and various different franchises and shit because I'll find an edit on youtube with <1k views and it'll be amazing.

Soon.

As much as I want to fool myself that I'm okay with how I live the wall isn't strong enough to withstand even a tiny crack, and it crumbles. And instead of building that wall back up different or stronger, I take pieces of the brick to slam into my head while I'm left crying in the dirt.

I am nothing. Not even a person. The most I will get when I'm gone is the inclusion in a statistic.

I curse myself so badly for not being better. I wish I just had the luck or the mind to choose what was so much better.

Well, I'm thankful you're there. If not you, then no one else would.

And I lay here in my bed still myself every night, am I really what I say I am? If I let time pass day after day then what am I? Am I a liar? Am I just pretending? What part of me is what's written on me? What part of me can I really say belongs to where I want it to?

Another week passes and again I've done nothing.

Pick 1-4.

A weight that gives the dullest pain.

I have the finesse of a hammer.

What a lie. Of course it turns out you lied to my face about something like that.

Why did I say yes? For fuck's sake why? One minute and I'm already looking for a way out.

So little I want to say but what I say anyways has close to zero value.

It makes me sick.

That wasn't a good connection to make.

I'm afraid.

I worry for you.