nobody wants to impress Jodie Foster anymore and it shows.

I'm a leaf on the wind, watch how I *AGH*

why don't milk jugs have indentations on the sides showing how much you've poured out? ounces on one side, cups on the other. It would save the use of a measuring cup while cooking/baking. high thoughts

Fuck the Oxford comma.

Look, it's simple. If you put ketchup on your scrambled eggs, your mom's a ho

Happy Great Molasses Flood Day to all who celebrate. share.google/99SLKkQp8uPj...

I wish more of my friends were on here, I don't like being on Twitter.

🎼I am your singing telegram🎶

Everything is goddamned awful so here's a 91 degree angle for no reason. This is gonna make some of you twitchy.

Werewolves of London is probably the best song about a little old lady getting mutilated.

Imma just say it, roses are beautiful but they smell like shit.

Been playing a lot of Civ V lately just so I can keep declaring war on America.

hey, I haven't been on Bluesky in a couple of days, let me just log on and...yep. no notifications, no interactions, nothing. why tf do I keep coming here?

Hey, y'all ever see that movie where that one guy shoots that other guy? I think there's a woman in it, too. Hell of a flick!

Alexa, how long will the eggs that I JUST BOUGHT at the grocery last night stay good if I forgot to put them away? Is it 18 hours? Please say it's 18 hours.

65 degrees outside, sitting here with the furnace off and the windows open. Yep, totally normal January.

I've known since he was reelected that I may need to eventually leave the US. But, frankly, I don't know if that's still an option cause there is literally no where in the world that is safe now.

goddamn i wish this place were better so i could finally quit twitter

They rebooted The Toxic Avenger? And it stars Peter Dinklage?! AND KEVIN BACON?!?

Just heard someone call a butt plug a 'backdoor binky' and THAT'S ENOUGH TIKTOK FOR TODAY.

Make good choices, fellas!

Dang it!

...maybe I will.

CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN DEFEATED*!!! Now I just have to lug all that crap back out to the shed and put my living room back to normal. But first, pork chops and cornbread. *I took my decorations down

that beard doesn't hide your double chin like you think it does. it basically just highlights it. you look silly.

meh, I've seen happier new years...

Your mom is AI

An hour and a half till we all pretend to know the lyrics to Auld Lang Syne

you're a goddamned adult, you can just make gravy fries at home anytime you want. THEY CAN'T STOP YOU, NO ONE CAN STOP YOU. the fucking world is on fire and nothing fucking matters so find all the joy you can. and gravy fries = joy

I saw another one of those 'who's in your circle' things going around again but I don't interact with enough people on here to make it worth my while. I need to start focusing more here cause I'm not having fun on Twitter anymore.

I hope you all have a happy new year! no, not you. I hope your 2026 is terrible. Frankly, I hope your fork makes that squeaking noise on your plate at every. single. meal. for the entire goddamned year.

so ready to be done with this un-lubed cactus dildo of a year.

🎼And it's been a long December and there's no reason to believe that next year will be any better than the last*🎶 *lyrics updated for 2025

It's 70 degrees, I should be doing something. I have work to do in the shop, I could be cleaning out the shed, I could be building my fire pit. Hell, I could be doing the dishes! But I think I'll nap instead.

Okay, that's kinda clever. I like the symmetry of it.

Okay but what kind of gravy? Yes, it does too make a difference!

Just in case you didn't get a picture of kissing giraffes for Christmas.

Happy Boxing Day for all who celebrate. I hope you get a lot of boxes! Just...just *so many* boxes!

omg, the next week is gonna CRAWL by.

Only 365 more shopping days till Christmas

How tf are the Harlem Globetrotters 100 years old? Seriously, how has 'fake basketball' been selling tickets for a goddamned CENTURY?!

Question for Americans: how old were you when you learned that a LARGE PART of the world pronounces the last letter of the alphabet as 'zed' instead of 'zee'?

Seriously, what in the gold-plated fuck even is Boxing Day? And why does it involve no boxing whatsoever?! Sounds like some bullshit, if you ask me!

Filling the emptiness inside me with crab rangoon.

911, what's your emergency? Yeah, I've got some carolers who are trespassing on my lawn. They started out wishing me a Merry Christmas & Happy New Year but now they're demanding figgy pudding & refuse to leave till they get some. I don't even know what figgy pudding is!

For those of you in the Cincinnati/NKY area, I have a friend who is trying to help rehome 2 Great Danes (due to owner's death). They are a bonded pair so must be placed together. If you're interested or know anyone who may be, please contact me. Olivia 9 & Ava 8

Hey, if you know anyone who wants a full-sized taxidermied hammerhead shark for Christmas, I've got you covered.

Bad news: I'm out of Danish butter cookies Good news: I now have a place to put all my sewing supplies. Now I just need to get some sewing supplies. And learn to sew.