adam scott has been robbed time and time again by not being people magazine’s sexiest man alive

seriously? you’re treading on me when i specifically asked you not to??

why does a cursive G look like that. literally why do you need that much attention

oh you have a theory that this popular movie was actually all in the main character’s head? holy shit. i’m floored. you should write a vice article about 12 years ago

call me laura the way i’m dern with your ass

i will never in my life say “bet”

alex said “did you hear about the non-binary mechanic?” and i thought it was a setup to a joke but i guess there is a new non-binary mechanic in town

last night was an instagram reel from an account with no followers

i wish that every time that i closed instagram and then opened instagram again i would get shot with a gun

fuck marry kill hezekiah obadiah ezekiel

the W in george w bush stands for wuvs

just remembered the kid in my fourth grade class named Freeman Slaughter. his legal, christian name was Freeman Slaughter.

do you think when slayer and stuff wrote all those riffs they were like “guys… 🥺 does this riff sound stupid or is it kind of tough 😩” to the group chat

family comes into my job, mom wearing a t-shirt that reads “it is well with my soul” one kid hits the other and its as she grabs his arm so tight and starts spanking him right there that i notice her bible verse tattoo. she asks if the dijon vinaigrette is spicy. the dad winks at me. they tip 16%

alex just said no more clairo in the car…during women’s history month…

do you remember where you were when you found out what a blumpkin is?

you either die a poppunk band or live long enough to get a lap steel player

being woke sucks

i have a debilitating neurological condition where i want to call all of my friends bae

on the plane thinking of funny quips to say if someone spills a drink on me

i would love to live in a GIFless world

lets get the joyce manor band on Traitors

me trying to remember the thought i had seven seconds ago

seriously….no one was going to tell me party rock is in the house tonight?

I love when my therapist brings up scandoval

I love when a tweet is so clearly aimed at covering all the possible bases of any way someone could get mad at them. Puritanical culture is now PRitanical culture. And I’ve trademarked that!

Steely dan song playing in my dream

I think we could do it if we tried

Listening to my chemical romance…. Good!

I wish i was a normie w a desk job but instead i watched a sims 2 fan made music video for sk8er boi by avril lavigne every day in 4th grade and now i have bad tattoos and no college degree

Cool thing about working at a bar is when someone is being weird its like oh right this guys wasted

Its crazy how much the song sk8er boi, and a fan made sims 2 music video, have shaped the course of my life

Bringing the culture of durham to chapel hill by running red lights

Naked In Manhattan? What is she, Big Apple Roan?

What to do when my wife is not home except check her location every ten minutes

I love when my lyft driver goes really really fast. I feel spiritually connected when they do that

I love sleeping, resting, and lying down

Lana has been my top artist multiple years and I’ve only ever listened to NFR! and Lust for Life except for last week I listened to Born to Die for the first time

Back in my day there was only one gender. And every Friday one kid could bring it home for the weekend to take care of it

Blowing your nose rocks

I’m kind of weird bc I like the smiths…

I love transgender people

Feels like a pimple might be forming on my chin, probably best if I just rub it once every two minutes just to check if it’s still there

If I was a villager in a town plagued by the beast I would lowkey hate when the beast gets awoken

Real Housewives is Jackass for Women and I will elaborate on that at some point but not right now

Today I heard a kid say “would you rather get tickled by a leaf or die?”

I hate the ritz in Raleigh unless I have vip and can sit down in which case I love the ritz in Raleigh

I went to one hardcore show and suddenly I’m a full on misandrist again

I love when a dude puts his IG handle on his truck. Cause every time I see a big truck I think, it would be awesome if I could see some really bad photography and weird selfies of whoever is driving that!

I need a real housewives of Philly where dey awl hev delco accents