My tagline for my Substack for years has been: Become evil. Rule the world. Maybe drink tea first and sit down for a bit. I think it’s hilarious but it's an in-joke that nobody gets. I’ve changed it to: A regular series of irregular thoughts. Could be anything. Mostly rants. What do you think?

Want to chat? Buy me a coffee and #AskMeAnything. buymeacoffee.com/jamesgarside

You wouldn’t believe the unforgivable things that I’ve done to keyboard covers. Or how much I need one as a writer. Keyboard covers aren’t sexy but they are essential. Here’s my hot take on why you need one and my recommendation of which you should get. open.substack.com/pub/jamesgar...

I type holes in keyboard covers. That’s not a metaphor. Actual holes. This one survived.

In 2025 I read 135 books. In 2026 I realised that social media is dead so nobody will see or care about such updates. Which is great as it gives you more time to spend reading.

"Fuck AI.” — Emily Dickinson (probably)

Is Stranger Things worth watching? I've never seen it. What's it like? The Goonies meets X Files? ET meets IT? Not as good as Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Should I rewatch Buffy? I'll rewatch Buffy.

I’m from Yorkshire. The only people who take ketamine are horses.

If you trust editors, or “accept all” on Grammarly, this is for you.

Why did AI go to the dentist? Too fake.

The moon has switched to Dark Mode.

Happy Thanksgiving to my friends across the pond.

Me: “I’m non-binary.” Family: “But you’re not though.”

People should be less Karen and more Karen Walker.

I finally plucked up the courage to record a recruitment video of myself. I've been meaning to start on YouTube for years. I keep putting it off. Why? Because I'm a nervous wreck and can't stand the way I look. Instead of humiliating myself privately I decided to share it with you.

I'm still Jimmy from the block Used to shop at Lidl, now I sleep a lot

Virtual Tour of my website. For people who are too lazy to click a link.

Spent longer sorting out a 10% discount on t-shirts than some people spend planning military operations. I donated clothes in return for a voucher that didn’t work. Followed a rabbit trail of dead customer service channels and social media profiles.

Download my PDF completely for free. All it costs you is your soul… Email. I meant email.

According to English Qabalah the meaning of my name is 666. According to my friends that explains a lot.

My 2012 11-inch Macbook Air has retired after over 13 years of service. 8GB Ram and 512GB storage. Replaced by a 13-inch M4 Macbook Air. 32GB Ram and 2TB storage. The torch has been passed.

I’m #83 rising in Humor on Substack. Insert punchline here. Hold for laugh.

Last time I buy Vegan Leather. I’m just saying.

What are your plans for the weekend?

Writing is magick and vice versa. Thoth is the Egyptian god of magick and writing. Coincidence? I think not. Magick isn't called 'the art' for nothing.

I finally forced myself to stop procrastinating and finish my website. I only mention this because I secretly hope someone will glance at it and say "Good job!" But I'll gladly settle for your honest opinion. It's here if you are interested. Much love, James x jamesgarside.net

I finished my website! jamesgarside.net

Made a new friend,

"We are Rainbowarriors Evil come not near Rainbow love awaits us With hearts of love and tears" — CocoRosie

@vjknipe.bsky.social Sad to lose you on Substack. Thanks for subscribing as long as you did. Any thoughts on how to make it better please let me know. I'm neglecting it somewhat at the moment. All the best, J

Been listening to God Must Hate Me on repeat and thinking about myself: “Yeah. Probably.”

Once upon a time, on a feedback form for one of the creative writing courses that I taught. A student, who’d heard that I was an Elf, left the following comment about me: "Strangely normal ears." All these years later, I'm still laughing.

The Beatles are overrated. Tea is better than coffee. Harry Potter is for kids. Sorry, I know I’m right, but I'm just expressing extreme opinions in order to trigger moral outrage. Apparently that's the done thing.

You don't know me well enough to ask a stupid question and be given the benefit of the doubt.

I got a job teaching AI how to write better. You can call me The AI Whisperer if you want. But if chatbots start being grumpy and sarcastic with a Yorkshire accent I swear I had nothing to do with it.

“Out of everything I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most!” — Ozzy Osbourne

Me: Who are these psychopaths lurking on my Substack? They don’t write their own Substack, don't have any followers or subscribers, and they're not even attempting the usual grift of telling people they know how to make money on Substack. Brain: They’re called readers, James. *awkward silence*

I'm 48. I see a bunch of ways I've made a mess of my life. Is it possible to turn my life around? Even if nobody around me expects me to succeed? Asking for a friend.

Tell me how old you are using images only.

In seriously dude I just don't care, what is your Substack really about? Please don't drop a link in the comments. Post a GIF or something funny instead. Smoke signal. Interpretive dance. Whatever. Let's be ignored together.

Working off of an external drive, instead of your computer's internal storage, is like living in a storage locker. You can do it, if you get desperate, but you shouldn't. No matter how often some hipster idiot tells you that it's totally fine and they do it all the time.

I've watched all Classic Doctor Who and I'm currently rewatching all of Red Dwarf. Would any nerds be interested to read my opinions on such stuff? I ask for a friend.

I have a new laptop. I'm allowed to keep it, yes? Sometimes feel like I need a permission slip from the universe to have nice things.

Happy 4th of July to my American friends across the pond! I realise that might sound sarcastic, given everything that's going on at the moment, but I do mean it.

Don't feed the rage monster! The algorithm is rigged for rage bait! Don't let them drag you down to their level! Don't let them change who you are or what you want to say! Create your art! Forget about engagement! So what if no-one reads your work!

How valiant and noble of the BBC to protect the IDF from the words of a rapper. Who knew that under the body armour and bullet proof vests they had such thin skin? Clearly when you're busy killing women and children the last thing you need is someone saying mean things about you.

I hate writing. But I love having written. I hate not writing. But I love drinking tea whilst thinking about writing. So my solution is to write quickly and drink lots of tea.

What are you pretty bad at but keep doing anyway? I'm mostly bad at writing. But I'm uniquely good at drinking tea and swearing whilst staring at a screen and typing, so it balances out. Universally terrible at everything else.

Me: I’m going to go out on a limb and say that genocide is wrong regardless of who does it. Them: IT'S A TRICK QUESTION. YOU GAVE THE WRONG ANSWER. NOW SHUT UP BEFORE WE DESTROY YOU FOR SAYING THE WRONG THING. (There’s a reason I don’t like to discuss politics. When did this become controversial?)

Hullo clouds, hullo sky!