Charlie Spurt

If Mark Wahlberg was at Kent State, it wouldn’t have went down like it did

“Peace lily? More like piece of shit lily.” *dropkicks plant across funeral parlor*

“My bulb is so wet right now” - a doomer talking dirty

Trying to find the best ufologist because I don’t want a botched vasectomy

Support the toops, guys

I like my women like I like my Sig Sauer’s - liable to go off unexpectedly

TED Talk joi change my life

ACAB includes ordering off menu

Lysdexic fa

I like my women like I like my Keurig K cups - aggressively toxic

Pope Charlie XCX

ACAB includes the Staccato P

They call it the land of the free yet no one has developed a neck fan that doesn’t interfere with the cheek weld on my AR

Avoid the libertarian zoo. It’s just one emaciated lion and a bunch of sunbleached skeletons

New product idea - gray mayonnaise aka Grayonnaise

This album is like twisted fantasy if Kanye realized that other people have feelings too

The grocery store can’t play Evanescence and expect me not to feel and express Big Emotions

How is it that the kids eat free promo at Hooters is never on my custody weekend?

The version of Clue where every room is a goon cave and every weapon a cuck chair

Touch grass? Nay. Touch receipts until you have BPA coming out the wazoo

Did you all know that the 5 second rule is a myth (except for liquids)?

Switching everyone to Windows 11 during Autism Acceptance Month is definitely a mixed message.

The best way to reduce microplastic intake is to eat animals lower in the food chain. This is why you should stop eating bear.

Why carry a shotgun in a scabbard while bicycling through town? Because it’d get rusty if it was touching my sweaty, sexy, muscly back, your honor.

They quit making the extra skeleton bone broth

ACAB doesn’t include cops with teeny, tiny badges

5.11 Tactical should make a molle leash for hyperactive libertarians who keep wandering off

TIL that, on the set of Ghandi, they called Ben Kingsley, Buns Kingsley, because his buns was poppin

My character references all called me the “Ted Lasso of Masturbation.” They’ve never met.

They should call them Grape Nutz to appeal to the youth

What’s the point of having cum gutters if your friends aren’t snorting rails of PB2 off them?

Favorite pod? Popular Rump hosted by Cake Hanrahan

Gender reveal tactical nuke

Got kicked out of med school for calling double pneumonia ‘p-dubs’

Remember the episode of Home Improvement where he turbocharged his bidet then had to have surgery?

You don’t see penis gauntlets much anymore

I’m cuckoo for ergotism puffs

If you think airbnb is bad, wait til you hear about anoxiabnb. Somehow even worse.

ACAB includes your father

I don’t think sex is allowed at Kentucky Fried Chicken, yet here I am, eating Mike’s Hot Honey Box.

I like my women like I like my coffee, as far away from my beautiful Mormon body as possible.

@michelenorris.bsky.social the absolute aggression with which you grilled that homeland security fucker made my day 🫶

For a richer flavor, substitute water with whole milk while preparing heroin injection

Today I learned the founder of Adidas was named Al Didas. Absolutely wild.

Zebras look so made up

How embarrassing. I just realized I’ve had toilet stuck to my shoe and mouth all morning

They say 40bpm is slow but I think that’s a lot of BM’s to do

They said I could come back into Hooters as soon as I stop crying

Arguing because Sephora says they’re out of Boner Toner™️ and it doesn’t exist