Front page again on Newsbiscuit. From a joke to an article. #jokes #humour #funny #satite #writingcommunity www.newsbiscuit.com/post/jonatha...

Look, the whole 'Is Due Hard a Christmas Movie' debate has been done to death and we all need to move on to the bigger questions, like Is Die Hard 2 a Christmas Movie?

Rocking Around The Christmas Telos.

Delighted to be on Newsbiscuit again (I don't just make fun of the right you know) www.newsbiscuit.com/post/your-pa... #jokes #humour #satire #WritingCommunity

I got sick on a holiday to Russia and the doctor secretly placed a listening device in my abdomen. It was a tummy bug. #LunchPun #jokes #humour #funny

Lee Anderson must be happy, with Jonathan Gullis joining Reform, he's no longer the thickest member of the party.

Tom Stoppard: Hard Stop

This only continues to confirm my belief that Zarah Sultana could start a fight in an empty room.

Judging by one of their last attempts, they just make these people up. www.telegraph.co.uk/news/0/the-t...

The sheer mental gymnastics on this defy belief

When asked for their thoughts on Wegovy, most Scots said he was an ok Education Secretary, but they didn't know what he saw in Sarah Vine. #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects #jokes #humour #funny

The public is being asked to help build up a map of feral pig sightings across Scotland. Some volunteers have already dropped out, initially thinking they were having fun looking at pigs, but it turned out to be a boar. #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects #jokes #humour #funny

After his appearance in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Cubby Broccoli approached Dick Van Dyke to be the next James Bond. He replied, “Have you heard my British accent?” “Don't worry” the legendary producer said, “have you heard Sean Connery's?” #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects #jokes #humour #funny

Early ageing kicks in at 66 and is marked by shifts in the patterns of connections in the brain; leading to things like forgetfulness, confusion, and voting Conservative. #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects #jokes #humour #funny

From this budget, the sugar tax will now apply to milk-based drinks, with the money going towards schemes like getting young men interested in Shakespeare. The chancellor hopes her milkshake brings all the boys to the Bard. #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects #jokes #humour #funny

A group of Scottish primary school boys have become a Christmas sensation after doorbell camera footage of them singing Last Christmas went viral. The video already has 1.4 million viewings, meaning a huge number of people are already knocked out of Whamogeddon #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects #jokes #humour

Listeners across Scotland have been waking up to a new show this week, with Good Morning Scotland replaced with Radio Scotland Breakfast. The first show ended with a toast, causing complaints as a breakfast in Scotland should always be with a Tattie Scone. #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects #jokes #humour

Introduce yourself with five concerts you've seen: Metallica Sheryl Crow The Wildhearts Orbital Michael Ball

Running on three hours of sleep, but still got five jokes to #BTN this morning. Now looking at the weekend's project with half an eye

Tax on people who don't wipe their machine down at the gym and leave it so moist you could grow mushrooms in the seam.

Checking the Budget outcomes and if this is my contribution to taking 450,000 kids out of poverty, then it's cheap at the price

"Oh, you mean to the other person."

Thinks: it can't be that bad. Reader, it was that bad.

Putting too many children together in a small space leads to the risk of causing a crèche #jokes #humour #funny

Quality Street has been £5 since the dawn of time, as that's what people feel is a 'nice price'. The wonders of economics and psychology

Me as your Bsky therapist:

Adele says she'd love to appear in a Marvel movie. When asked what her superpower would be, she said she can already set fire to the rain. #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects #jokes #humour #funny

To avoid conflict, you should tell your partner what you're doing as you pick up your phone, like saying "I'm just checking train times" or "I'm just replying to my mother." To start a conflict, say "I'm just having a browse of Tinder." #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects #jokes #humour #funny

MI5 believe the Chinese are looking for a way to get information from the UK Government after their previous contact lost his job, and had to move out of his property near Windsor Castle. #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects #jokes #humour #funny

Commentators compared Scott McTominay's goal for Scotland to Archie Gemmill's in 1978, meaning it's only 18 years until we get a clip of it interspersed with Ewan McGregor shagging in Trainspotting Three. #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects #jokes #humour #funny

London councils are asking people to grit their own roads during this week’s cold snap. Temperatures in the capital got so low that there was chaos on the roads, locals couldn't cope, and visiting northerners needed to wear a jumper. #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects #jokes #humour #funny

Groundbreaking DNA analysis of Adolf Hitler's blood revealed he suffered from multiple health conditions, including issues affecting hair growth. This could explain a great deal about the dictator, including why he could only grow that little moustache. #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects #jokes #humour #funny

Plans to eradicate extreme traits in breeds of designer dog over the next ten years have been unveiled by parliament. With their tiny noses, flat faces and bulging eyes, owners are said to be fuming at the proposal. #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects #jokes #humour #funny

The famous traffic cone which sits on top of the Duke of Wellington statue in Glasgow has been swapped for a small statue of a pigeon reading the paper. Locals are now scouring the city centre to find an even smaller cone to put on top of the pigeon. #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects #jokes #humour #funny

If you see this, quote post with the energy you bring to bluesky:

The last German member of parliament they had on Radio 4 used the word jurisprudence. He's also likely to apologise for his poor English before talking to you.

If you see this, post your getaway vehicle

After spending Tuesday staring at the #BTN brief blankly, I somehow managed to hit all the rounds and send 23 jokes. Also very amused to see Chris Q on an Instagram feed while researching. #WritingCommunity #Writing

Change one letter and ruin a sweet (or a candy if you're so inclined) Fruit 'n Nit

When I go to the countryside, I take a map showing where all the unexploded bombs are located. It's made by the ordnance survey. #jokes #humour #funny

The Girl From Tomorrow's World #TWOSHOWSINONE

Forged in Fireman Sam #TWOSHOWSINONE

The Mysterious Cities of Goldenballs #TWOSHOWSINONE

Dixon of Dock Green Wing #TWOSHOWSINONE

Outfits worn by Cilla Black during her showbiz career will be auctioned for charity this month. Fans are delighted to have the chance to get their hands on the memorabilia, saying ‘If these dresses could talk…but not sing, please don't ask them to sing.’ #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects #jokes #humour #funny

Kim Kardashian aims to emulate her father, who was an attorney most famously for OJ Simpson’s murder trial. After failing her bar exam, she said the gloves were off, mainly because they didn't fit in the first place. #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects #jokes #humour #funny

The government aims to reduce the huge driving test backlog by using military examiners for up to 6500 tests. To pass with one of them, you just take the first left, left, left right left. #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects #jokes #humour #funny

Kim Kardashian has admitted using AI to help her prepare for the California Bar Exam. She said results were mixed, as when she asked, "what are the minimum requirements for murder?" ChatGPT replied, "Four Crows." #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects #jokes #humour #funny

Many influencers give subtle signs that they have a boyfriend: The back of a head, two wine glasses at dinner, and never having to post about getting rid of a spider. #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects #jokes #humour #funny

The first episode of Game of Wool saw Gordon Cree go home after being criticised for cutting his sweater. In Edinburgh, cutting is also frowned upon, as it means you're being ripped off by your dealer. #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects #jokes #humour #funny