New law: babies have to grow up, NOW. I'm sick of their waddling. They need to pay taxes.

My office has been inundated with questions asking if it's okay to kill. As I said, a person who violates the rights of others forfeits their own rights. ;)

FROM THE OFFICE OF US PRESIDENT JACKIE SMALLHAT: Today I passed an executive order that classifies Nazis, Neonazis, and Nazi sympathizers as terrorists. The aforementioned groups also no longer have rights. I urge all citizens to kill them on sight, lest they kill ye first. I'm Jackie Smallhat!

FROM THE OFFICE OF US PRESIDENT JACKIE SMALLHAT: I have passed an executive order today that will tax billionaires more aggressively and will cut taxes for the lower class. The money the US government collects from billionaires will be used to subsidize housing for first-time homebuyers. I'm Jackie

FROM THE OFFICE OF US PRESIDENT JACKIE SMALLHAT: I have passed an executive order today that states that transgender people are human beings, that gender is self-determinable, and that anyone who violates their rights forfeits their own rights! :D I'm Jackie!

FROM THE OFFICE OF US PRESIDENT JACKIE SMALLHAT: I have passed an executive order today dissolving ICE, effective immediately. It is no longer a real US organization with any power, and anyone claiming to be from ICE should be ignored or laughed at. Acting in self defense is okay too. I'm Jackie!

REPORT - God feeling thrilled that Jackie Smallhat is now President of the United States. "I always believed in her."

BREAKING - Jackie Smallhat has been declared President of the United States of America following the death of Donald Trump and the disqualification of JD Vance. A drawing of Your President Jackie Smallhat is attached to this post.

BREAKING UPDATE - The winner of the Presidential Lottery has been announced as Jackie Smallhat. I accept the position and am honored to have this opportunity. I will continue to use this account to post presidential updates.

BREAKING - Former President Joe Biden is "sad" following President Donald Trump's assassination, saying "He seemed like such a nice guy."

BREAKING - Following the assassination of President Donald Trump by Vice President JD Vance, Congress has voted that the office of the Presidency will be decided via lottery. All citizens are eligible. The winner will be announced tonight. It is unclear why they are forgoing all standard protocols.

BREAKING UPDATE - Department of Government Efficient head Elon Musk has also been shot by Vice President JD Vance. Both Trump and Musk have been declared dead. Vance has been detained by Secret Service. His motive is still unclear.

BREAKING - President Donald Trump has been shot by Vice President JD Vance. His motive remains unclear. Vance has been disqualified as a presidential successor. More information when we have it.