i had a dream where i had boobs again

so. seems like it was pms, me forgetting to take my meds consistently, and me using weed and alcohol. crazy omg

didnt take the pills just barely, went to the hospital, got bandaged and discharged after 3 total hours there

ugh

like im crying over food IN FRONT OF HER i just told her about my eedee last night because i am fully crashing out like screaming in public yesterday type of mentally ill i just want it to end i want to go to the hospital and have people understand me

i wish me and my gf never got together so i wouldnt feel bad about it

i might take all my pills tonight but theyre just ssris so it wont even be that serious

also cab driver just asked if im a he or a she kms

bruise startingon my wrist because i hit my head because im a fucking idiot the other arm has a tiny one

also finally got a lip combo i think will look really good ill post it later if it does

got a cute pair of short shorts for the first time ever and i do feel hot in them BUT the fuckass dressing room light highlighted every mild lump in my legs + you can see my scars since they reach kinda far down. im only gonna wear them with stockings though so its not terrible

losing my fucking mind

must remember im stronger than my hunger

im just trying to buy a new “toy” and this entire fucking spençers is full all of a sudden kmssss

booked a back wax in preparation for the concert ✌️ imma just shave my front since its two separate costs, no bundles at this place. wont be affording laser anytime soon atp so whatever one wax sesh wont ruin it

i have been CRAVING a vodka cranberry lately omggg

nearly had a sugary drink on my break wtf was i thinking

i watched one reel of a bodybuilder trying on normal womens clothing and she couldnt fit well at all and tbh that fully de influenced me from getting bigger lmfao

i think im getting used to not eating again !!! its been so long since ive been able to fast successfully

stomach hurting so often bc of stress…. spilled my guts (somewhat) to my parents after an argument and im getting a therapist again

had like half a chocolate egg after and felt super nauseous like i spat it out. ate more than i wanted today like i had chocolate earlier and stuff but ahhhhh. fasting now and worried abt logistics bc im seeing my gf tomorrow again

hehehe new owner new employee and still didn’t get id’d so imma head to gym now this is nice

waittt i need to charge my watch what if i go home and get it and my id then i dont have to worry

my fast is going well though!!! im hungry af right now but ik i got this. besides after my break is over i wont rlly have a chance for calories. im sticking to water and black coffee so i dont trigger an insulin response

i might buy a thc vape after work i dont knowwwww my gf doesnt want me to but i really need it rn im just doing so badly

cried so much and got such bad sleep my eyes are so insanely puffy like the skin is tight around them omg im literally about to go to work

i had a crazy breakdown and cvt + im torn between doing more or stopping. i really want to do more + its already there so whats the harm right. but on the other hand me and my gf are going to a concert in 2 weeks and i asked if we could get intimate and if we do i dont wanna be a spectacle for her

my gf is concerned about my eating and drinking habits :( i really dont want to worry her ik i need to drink more water but i really dont want to start eating more so ill just eat better but less and hopefully that fools her somewhat i hate that im even wanting to fool her but i need to be thinner

eating at work and turning my fast into a 24h one so im not miserable when i go over to my gfs tomorrow

also eugh i just noticed my room is starting to smell

im so fucking hungry wtf

getting made to pay rent now and my dad specifically mentioned how much money i eat in groceries (estimated to be fair) and fuck i feel so fucking fat im not gonna eat as much as possible now like im so triggered by that. im starting a fast hopefully ill hit it, its 30 hours

ugh i lowk dont even know how to be healthy w this…. might just be cheeky and relapse instead

i seriously cannot believe how lucky i am that my family moved out here and i got to meet my gf. she is probably the most amazing thing to be a part of my life

been getting the period tummy issues for the past 2-3 weeks so i stopped taking my testosterone until it goes away. unfortunately now that means i am on my period and i work so much this week

waiting for the bus sucks so bad im always so early and when im on time thats when i miss it so i always just end up standing around for like 10 minutes

been having some nightmares where either my gf or her family sees my scars. i already told her about them but she hasnt seen them yet so ig im still worried about that

i get to see girlfriend today though its gonna be so awesome

sipping a white monster n its become tolerable, im getting off work early so im only gonna be fasting for 18 hours instead of the predicted 20

i legit have gone 36h before why is this so torturous

nooooo :(

got some new clothes n i love them but they really highlighted how big i look…. hmm. i might stop trying to get bigger muscles and focus on toning. at least for my upper body. probably still gonna grow my glutes but maybe tone legs too

im so hungry!!!! even healthy weight loss sucks god damn dude i last ate 4h ago with a smoothie and a protein bar and like holy moly ugh

NEED KISSIES SO BADDDD

oh also i had a talk with her about sex and shes open to the idea of performing stuff on me without receiving, which i felt gross to even bring up but wed have talks about my urges being stronger than hers and it was a respectful conversation. nothing has happened yet but im gonna float the idea

ahhhh i miss my gf so badly i wish i could be cuddling her rn

hey guys im trying to lose weight in a healthier way now! ive been going to the gym and stuff too to get stronger, so im really gonna try to not care about the scale number as much

okie doing better a bit now

punched my arm a lot n now its swollen and i fucked up a knuckle like legit has reduced range of motion and its purpling oopsie