Feels like I might actually die from stress like a delicate aquarium fish

I dunno man I feel like all those viral videos of wild (non-domestic) animals walking around people’s homes like a house pet with absolutely no provision of situational context are definitely fueling the illegal exotic pet trade right this second

It’s not what you know, and apparently it’s not even who you know

If you need me I’ll be splayed on the beach half in half out of the surf and covered in dead sea grass like a carcass

If things don’t start improving real fast I will have no choice but to start eating politicians alive and screaming

Idk man one of the most heinous things about the world today is the way colonizers and capitalists continue to poison clean water and then create an entire $302billion global industry around the sales of purified drinking water as if that’s normal and chill and cool

“Okay gurl, so basically he’s at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington DC, and if he’s not there, try Mar-A-Lago in Palm Beach, Florida”

Dolphins would definitely burn the American flag if they knew what the fuck was happening right now

You ever walk into your local diner and the staff and clientele just has that rancid “whites served only” vibe?

Truly if I ever succumb to the “millennial grey” disease that’s sucking the soul out of every modern day aesthetic choice just take me out back and shoot me

I wish every ad ever would just shut the everloving fuck up

Don’t really know why any LGBTQ+ siblings want to ensure their right to serve in the US military because rainbow imperial violence is still imperial violence and there’s nothing sacred or admirable about contributing to imperial violence even if you get to put a little Pride flag on it

Modern tv and film just keep making their millennial characters unserious caricatures of safe spaces, low tier social justice discourse, and dated internet lingo it’s sooooooo fuckiiiiiiiiiing boriiiiiiiiiiiiiing

NO!!!!! I DO NOT WANT TO USE AI FOR ANYTHING OR DOWNLOAD ANY MORE APPS OR WATCH ADS OR INPUT MY EMAIL OR USE MY FINGERPRINT OR FACE FOR QUICKER ACCESS OR ENTER MY PHONE NUMBER OR EMAIL OR CREDIT CARD INFO EVER AGAIN I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE AND DIE LIKE A NORMAL CREATURE OF EARTH!!!!!

White hippies are sooooooooooo insufferable, go back to Europe

Land Back putas 💅🏽

Every time I hear the term “pickle ball” I lose years off my lifespan

The Pacific Northwest is wasted on the legacy and prevalence of shitass colonizers and it’s such a fucking shame

Zesty

Whenever two people speak directly to me at the same time without yielding for each other expecting personalized and fully formed simultaneous responses I experience the neurological equivalent of near fatal electrocution

Bodies are so weird, wish I could be a violently rotating column of air instead

Dude, the dramatic shift in wildlife ecology to make everything fully remote and automated and run by artificial intelligence is so fucked. Like what, did you lose your passion and the will to connect with nature along the way? Loser behavior. Soulless. Disgraceful. Pathetic. Preserve the wonder 🪼💙🐳

If you coho my sockeye I’ll chinook your chum til it’s pink

😏 Is that Apostichopus californicus in your pocket or are you ju— OH MY GOd why do you have a sea cucumber in your pocket

Wanna be pressure washed until I’m just a particularly expressive skeleton

Yeah so I have this super intimate telepathic connection with the local killer whales that lets them know exactly where I am so they can avoid me with frightening accuracy

Seattle should be completely bulldozed off the face of the Earth

Noted: asking somebody if they’ve ever been arms deep in the carcass of a beached whale is not a good icebreaker unless they are also a biologist

How it feels to be the only homosexual at work

Dolphins be like • Procreate • Inebriate • Masturbate • Celebrate • Echolocate in no particular order

Whenever I finish a half empty can of sparkling water I left on the counter the day before it really scratches an itch deep in my primitive scavenger brain

Heterosexual men are always saying shit like “4 and O” and “stock investments” like shut the fuck up????

You ever been approached by the smelly white dreads guy at the function and he pulls you in a little too close and asks you to listen to a song that revolutionized the entire music industry and changed the world and you put the sweaty headphones on and it’s literally just Band on the Run

Lord grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to never try shaving a line into my eyebrow ever ever again

Inside me there are two wolves and both of them are trying to tear through my fucking ribcage so they can feed on the flesh of politicians

Whenever my mom checks my location on her phone it makes me feel like a little shark with a radio tag pinging wherever I go

Upstairs neighbors be like

Jaws is the perfect anticapitalist film because not only does it highlight the ways in which American politicians willingly and effortlessly sacrifice human lives to generate profit, but there’s also this big ass shark

Ayy can I come over and rip out all my hair and stare at you like this

Wanna swan dive right into one of these bad boys and cork it

I heard some punkass was driving a YACHT through my waters I WILL NOT HESITATE TO SINK YOUR ASS

Hey we saw you from across the abyssal plain and we really dig your vibe

The only thing standing between me and a complete mental breakdown is my unsustainable addiction to seltzer water

Hey sorry I’m late I spent the last four hours in front of the mirror trying to detach my jaws from my skull like a shark