I told my friend that I’ve always fancied Beyoncé. He said; “Whatever floats your boat” I said “No - that’s buoyancy

My mother always used to say "50 is the new 30" Lovely woman. Banned from driving.

Lord Nelson was about 5ft 6. His statue is 17ft 4. That’s Horatio of about 3:1

The man responsible for inventing the "wind chill factor" has sadly passed away He was 98 but felt like 85

QI “Britain’s housing market is in crisis. Stamp duty reform is not the answer The Chancellor simply cannot afford to keep Britain’s ‘worst and most damaging’ tax” #ukhousing www.telegraph.co.uk/money/proper...

When I lecture in-person, students often laugh at my jokes. When I teach the same students online they don't laugh at all, so I asked them why. They replied "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny"

“Why People Drive 100 More Miles Just To Pee At Buc-ee's” youtube.com/shorts/sNLZR...

What's E.T short for? Because he's got little legs!

New national data reveals that even the top 10 per cent of earners in London are unable to afford home ownership, with average house prices in England exceeding seven times the average income #ukhousing #housebuilding #socialhousing #affordablehousing www.independent.co.uk/bulletin/new...

A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the M4 today. There was no congestion in the Cwmbran Tunnels for 8 hours.

The Definition of Insanity (UK Housing Edition) Albert Einstein defined insanity as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” If that’s true, then the UK’s approach to the #ukhousing crisis surely deserves a padded cell www.linkedin.com/posts/gerrai...

What do you call an arrogant criminal climbing down the stairs? A condescending con descending

I rang the doctors' surgery earlier: Me: Hello, can I make an appointment to see the doctor? Receptionist: Which doctor? Me: No, a medical one please.

I took my 8-year-old daughter to the office on 'Take Your Kid To Work Day'. But when we walked in the office she started to cry. As concerned colleagues gathered round I asked her what was wrong and she said: "Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

Never let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do. Just look at Beethoven, everyone told him he would never be a musician, just because he was deaf. But did he listen?

I spent £500 on a limo for my daughters’ prom night, and it didn't even come with a limo driver. All that money spent and nothing to chauffeur it.

For more updates on endangered species pop into your local MacDonalds.

I went to the doctors and he said: "Don't eat anything fatty." I said: "What like burgers?" He said: "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

Mapped: The areas where housebuilding has fallen hardest revealed Data on the number of homes completed in the year up to March suggests some council areas are struggling to keep up with demand #ukhousing #housebuilding #socialhousing #urbanplanning www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home...

When you think there's no hope left, remember the lobsters in the tank in the Titanic's restaurant.

I hired a handy man and gave him a list of jobs I needed doing. When I got home, only items 1, 3, 5 and 7were done. Turns out he only does odd jobs!

“It's called Mopet, and it's a foldable e-scooter that you can use to take your dog for a ride.”

I’m no expert, but maybe it should have been extended to the toes?

I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing. It's called my oughtobiography.

A police officer just knocked on my door earlier and said that my dogs had been chasing people on bikes. I said, that's ridiculous. My dogs don't even own bikes.

My boss told me that as a security guard, it's my job to watch the office. I'm on season six now, but I'm not entirely sure what it's has to do with security.

I was posting telepathically today. So if you thought of something funny, that was me.

No “Could luxury homes be the key to solving UK’s housing crisis?” #ukhousing #housebuilding #socialhousing #affordablehousing #urbanplanning www.thetimes.com/article/1897...

I threw a ball for my dog yesterday... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

I recently opened a company selling trampolines disguised as prayer mats Prophets are going through the roof

Councils across England are increasingly spending millions of pounds a year in incentive payments to private landlords to persuade them to house homeless families, with campaigners describing it as a “senseless waste of public money”. #ukhousing www.theguardian.com/society/2025...

An article from over eight years ago “Private firms will never build enough homes: time to invest in social housing Allowing councils and housing association to build more social rented homes would boost the economy and solve the housing crisis” #ukhousing www.theguardian.com/housing-matt...

Barista: What name shall I put on it? Me: Gerraint Some results…

I had some tests at the doctors the other day, when we had the results the doctor said, “Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?” I said, "Good new please" She said, "We're naming a disease after you"

On my walks this week.

On my walks this week.

Local authorities could be forced to approve new developments or risk giving planning control to Whitehall #ukhousing www.theguardian.com/society/2025...

Does anyone know what the Knights in white sat in?

The hardest football pitch I ever played on was made of crushed brick rubble and concrete, we won 3 2 on aggregate.

When I have to fill out a form asking who to call in case of an emergency I always write ambulance, because no one in my family is going to answer a call from an unknown number.

It's recently been discovered that Anne Boleyn had a brother called Tenpin...

Wales day #4 and finish.

Wales recorded its lowest number of new house builds in history during the past year, according to newly released data. Between April 2024 and March 2025 construction began on merely 3,798 new properties, representing a 26% decline #ukhousing www.dailypost.co.uk/news/north-w...

We stopped for lunch here. "Before we order," I asked the waiter, "could you very slowly say where we are?" The waiter answered, "Burrrr...gerrr Kiiiiiing.

So patriotic! Most people just have a flag on their car. 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿

Day #2 round Wales first 186 miles

Did you know that ants never get sick? It’s because they have little anty bodies.