My doctor asked me if I smoke or drink alcohol. I told him I drink it.

If I had a penny for every time… I’m starting to think I’ve been spelling it wrong all my life!

My mate's motto was: "Always leave the theatre with them wanting more!" Great guy, but terrible anaesthetist.

My friend Jay had twin girls. He wanted to name them after him. I suggested Kaye and Elle.

I bought my friend a Pug for Christmas. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the puppy seems to like him.

Name the sitcom…

New research shows that people on the lowest incomes are increasingly being denied access to social housing We need major investment in new social homes, allocation systems that prioritise human need #ukhousing www.theguardian.com/society/2025...

This BBC analysis highlights the gap between intention and capacity in the drive to deliver one point five million homes. Planning reform, financial stability and genuine partnership across the sector will determine whether the target is met. #ukhousing www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

He set off early this year.

Historical Czech fact. Bohemian king Good King Wenceslas had four children: Dee, Pam, Chris and Steven.

That’s have their own sleep/travel crates. This is how they choose to sleep.

Father Christmas has fired one of his elves who openly defied established elf guidelines. Now he is a rebel without a Claus.

What a difference a couple of hours make.

The tree is up!

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

My wife asked me for something that goes 0 to 100 in less than three seconds. So I bought her weighing scales. That’s how the next fight started.

My wife asked for something with diamonds in it for Christmas. So I bought her a deck of playing cards… and that's how the fight started.

I’m with Jack Reacher on this one…

The growth of data centres is placing pressure on electricity networks. In some areas this is already delaying new housing. Modern data centres can consume as much power as many tens of thousands of homes, the grid cannot always support both #ukhousing www.datacenterdynamics.com/en/news/uk-d...

New analysis shows a sharp rise in English neighbourhoods where extreme wealth sits directly beside deep deprivation. In some places a few metres separate families with very different life chances. #ukhousing #housebuilding #socialhousing www.theguardian.com/inequality/2...

A few friends and I have decided to form a choir this Christmas. Anyone wanting to join will be welcome. So far, it's just Dean, Don, Mary, Lee and I.

My father used to own a coal company, but never spoke of it. Mined his own business

My father used to own a coal company, but never spoke of it. Mined his own business.

Did you know that eye love puns? The cornea, the better

I have just sold my champion homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time!

I really thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to see a Monkees tribute band play in Switzerland. And then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva...

The Telegraph - “Inside the tiny homes that could solve Britain’s housing crisis The marvels of space economy are a timely lesson as Labour grapples with building 1.5 million new properties” #ukhousing #housebuilding #socialhousing #urbanplanning www.telegraph.co.uk/money/proper...

I was going to patent a method for reusing tea bags, but Tetley have taken out a restraining order against me...

The new James Bond will have grey hair! No time to dye.

The Environmental Audit Committee has delivered a clear message: “nature is not the blocker to housing growth.” The real barriers are far more familiar to anyone in our sector #ukhousing www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Earlier today I was thrown out of a bottomless brunch. A simple dress code mixup.

Cosmeston Lakes.

l asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone. The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious.

If alcohol damages your short term memory, just imagine what alcohol can do.

I have questions!

Don't use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.

Here is a picture of my Christmas Tree. It's still in the shed... because it's November.

I was bored earlier so l swapped all the chocolates into different wrappers. My wife isn't amused…..She got her snickers in a twix.

Slightly terrifying….

I just burned my Hawaiian pizza earlier. Maybe I should have cooked it on aloha temperature

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.

I just watched a horror film about the dyslexic zombies? They only eat Brians.

Trees winning.