I just want to talk to whoever told denim manufacturers that a half dozen buttons were better than a zipper. I just want to pee, not have my own personal escape room.

Do you ever just think about muppet vision 3d and get sad?

A family member of one of my closest friends asked if I was going to be her daughter’s guardian if anything happened to her and her husband. She just laughed in her face. She knows me, and loves me, and knows better.

Almost called out of work sick today… got asked to present in 3 meetings so I worked late instead 🙃

Did Southwest actually think it was a great advertising move to say that in their new extra leg room seats ($$) you can *checks notes* cross your legs comfortably?

exhausted, laid down for a nap Heart racing, can’t fall asleep Still exhausted, made a cup of coffee Now exhausted with 2x the heart flutters

Ok it’s been 20 mins I think we’re good. Resume your normal activities folks. Sometimes I wonder how my OCD went undiagnosed this long 😂

Did learning about the Tylenol murders mess anyone else up? Because I noticed the cardboard box my moisturizer came in was opened when I left the store. This definitely isn’t a post to make sure if I die from arsenic poisoning you know why. Nope. That would be silly.

I think the issue lies in the difference between reality and dream logic 😅. It was a fine line half sleeve of white hydrangeas and their leaves, but it was ethereal and bright. The hydrangea tattoos I have found seem like if they are detailed enough there’s too much ink to read as fluffy and light.

The design for my next tattoo came to me in a dream and now I can’t find a single example photo online even close to what I’m thinking it would be like and i hate all the photos I *can* find 😂

Forever mourning the fact that there is no legal way for me to play Jurassic Park: Operation Genesis without rolling the dice on buying a 22 year old used cd rom and hoping it works.

I refuse to be even slightly chill when talking about my beloved Asset 87 and you can interact with the Jurassic Park IP with me at your own risk

Very much that. Like thank you for deigning to match with me, oh grand one. You wanna say hello or…?

If you match with me on hinge, the onus is on you to use your words. Don’t match with me and then send the auto prompt “start the conversation with Jeremiah” - I will not; it’s your turn.

Uh oh! All of my emotes have mysteriously vanished. Don’t worry - I’m on the case!

Talking about living with intention and creating small moments of luxury in my day to day: “what can I say, I’m good at caring for myself” My friend: “girl, when did you last drink water?”

Welp. I exploded a Coke Zero all over myself + my chair, said “oh phooey” out loud (sadly unironically), and then flawlessly whipped out a wet wipe and tide pen to clean up the mess… Think I’m still giving hot and unbothered?

I’m cool and mysterious and a pretty bi man will fall in love with me at the airport today. Putting it out in the universe. ✈️

I’m not a hipster until my favorite perfume goes viral on tiktok and I’m like “noooo that’s my ✨signature scent✨ stop making it mainstream”

Why does my food slap so much harder when I’m only cooking for myself? Y’all I swear I can cook I just have anxiety.

To the UX designers at Google calendar: sometimes I do more than one thing at once. Please allow me to check off more than one task without a 60 second cooldown. This is obnoxious

Doing some little chipmunk doodles tonight, playing with a new style. What do we think?

Spent my whole morning workout trying to keep a baby frog with a death wish out of the pool, because my life wasn’t weird enough.

I wish I was a little bit taller; I wish I was a baller; I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her

Sometimes I just want to tell the people of the internet that the word they’re looking for was “bawling” - you were not “full on balling” while watching Old Yeller.

Idk what y’all are on about that was a solid Jurassic movie, and does that T rex need a cuddle?

Went on a date tonight and casually spilled 40 oz of Sprite on myself… at the beginning of the night. And he still wants to see me again 😂

Listening to Magnus Archives on bone conducive headphones is something else… it’s INSIDE my skull.

The walk of shame home is even worse when a storm pops out of nowhere ten minutes after you get in (was not in the forecast when I left my house)

Why is it so embarrassing to walk to the neighborhood pool with a towel over your shoulder Everyone knows I’m going to the pool She’s going to swim they say to themselves

Whatever the hell that was is what “boys will be boys” should mean. #showtimeladies #loveisland

What body oil are Chelley, Olandria, and Amaya Papaya using? Because the girls are glowing.

*runs in the room breathless* CLARK! Wanna… sit down with me over here? … What’s your favorite color?

Amaya Papaya trying to stall Clark is the level of chill I bring to every conversation.

Nothing hits like a post-everything shower couch nest with like five bevvies and a new trash reality episode incoming.

New rule: boys, if you’re going to go on love island, learn how to make breakfast at least semi-competently first. This is like going on drag race without knowing how to sew.

How is it that some days I can’t draw a stick figure and then other days I can knock this out in 3 minutes flat

Had to tap out during a beauty service and was beating myself up for not having a high enough pain tolerance… but then it started bruising like hell. I think it may have been them, not me. 😅

I fear my brain is just a scrambled mess of K Pop Demon Hunters clips punctuated by the little can opening sound in the Saja Boys Soda Pop. I was not prepared for this so close to Date Everything I cannot simp for everyone/thing at once.

I fear I’m learning too much about my taste in men from how much space in my brain is currently occupied by a bi-sentient fictional breaker box.

bonus morning stream? It’s more likely than you think twitch.tv/chippermunk

Can’t stop doomscrolling? May I suggest something very big and heavy falling over somewhere in your house? 10/10 TikTok will suddenly be very easy to put down (you’re on your own with the adrenaline spike, tho)

Is it asking for too much to be thrown over a shoulder and tossed into a bed, Rick O’Connell style?

… I heard shattering glass and had to look all over my house. A bowl spontaneously exploded in my cabinet

In other news I keep scaring the dog singing “‘ma’am???’ I’m a goddamn ingenue” out of nowhere This musical is ruining my life

Oops I booked it

How quickly after your first tattoo did you get a second one? Asking for a friend who is me.

I can now confirm 3D does not work as well through tears. Further experimentation pending.

Never underestimate the lengths I will go to to avoid having to leave the house.

First tattoo ✅ I’m obsessed with how it turned out.