Roses are red April is grey In just a few days ⬇️⬇️⬇️

You start off young, energetic and full of hope….then before you know it you’re sitting on the edge of you bed, contemplating life and looking like this ⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

Would you prefer your Fanny sprinkled with nuts, drizzled with syrup or a flake stuck into it? 🤔😳🤣

Happy Miss Congeniality Day 🍾🥂

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣(breaths)🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Fancy a new tongue twister? Give this one a go….. I’m a sheet slitter I slit sheets I’m the sleekest sheet slitter That ever slit sheets 😳😳🤯🤣

Seemed appropriate for today 😆

Me = Today I bought some fancy pens in a nudist art shop Friend = Felt tips? Me = No, but I touched a couple of bollocks 🤣🤣🤣🤣

🤔😳🤣

I can’t believe that someone rubbed one out in the car park lift 😳😆

I was offered sex today by a 26yo. In exchange I was supposed to advertise some sort of bathroom cleaner on Bluesky. Of course I declined because of my morals & strong willpower, which is as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner available scented with vanilla or lemon.

Thanks to Pete Hegseth, I have revisited the bible to find my favourite quote and have decided it’s this……. Genesis 7:5 - And Noah did all that the Lord commanded him but did sayeth “We’re gonna need a bigger boat” 🤔🤣🤣

🤔😳🤣

FOR SALE: Naan Bed with two Pilau cases 🤔🤦🏻‍♂️🤣

😆😆

I've decided to launch a new vodka which I will brand as "Responsibly". This means every other booze manufacturer will legally have to advertise my product #simples #drinkresponsibly 🤔👍😆

Today marks 2wks without sugar. Walking 3km a day, no meat, dairy or flour. I feel great! No alcohol, a vegan diet, gluten/caffeine/sugar free & a 2hr workout daily. Lost 20kg of fat & gained muscle mass. No idea whose status this is, but I am really proud of them so decided to copy and paste it 😆😆

To be honest, I couldn’t tell the difference 🤔😉

Any ideas how I can recycle/dispose of my new Thermometer’s packaging without having to answer any awkward questions 🤔😳😆

🤣😆🤣

Happy First Contact Day to all who celebrate 🖖

Ahhh, the traditional Easter Sunday breakfast

Shouldn’t we be calling it by its proper name: Storm Rodney 🤔🤦🏻‍♂️😆 #ifyouknowyouknow

Good Friday, good people 👍

🤔😳😆

In my village an ancient bylaw decrees it is not permissible to parade sheep dogs in public areas on Good Friday. Apparently this is because it’s a …….. Ban Collie Day 🤔🤦🏻‍♂️🤣

QUESTION OF THE DAY When a fly flies through a fart, do you think they get the same feeling we do when we walk past a garden that’s holding a BBQ? 🤔🤯🤣

🤔🤦🏻‍♂️🤣

Today is Palm Sunday....you know....it's like Valentines Day but for single folks 😳😳😜

It’s all go at Stonehenge tonight, as they get to use the big crane to move the largest stones forward an hour 🤔😳🤣

Clocks go forward tonight (BST here we come 👍) and if your posh, that means moving your sundial one house to the right 🤔🤦🏻‍♂️😆

45 years ago today we said goodbye to Tom Baker as the Fourth Doctor and welcomed Peter Davison as the Fifth Doctor. “It’s the end, but the moment has been prepared for”

🤔😳🤣

🤣🤣

🤣🤣

Overheard in the supermarket…. “In my day we were just taught about the birds and the bees. Today kids have to be taught about the birds and bees, birds and birds, bees and bees, birds that have become bees, bees that have become birds and bees that look like birds but have kept their stinger” 😳😆😆

I know Henry VIII had 6 wives - There was Catherine of Aragon, Anne Boleyn, Anne of Cleves, Catherine Howard, Catherine Parr but I can't for the life of me remember the surname of the one called Jane....See More

The letter “d” is just the letter “a” but hard 🤔😳😆 #themoreyouknow

🤔😳🤣🤣

Beware the Ides of March 🤔😆

I’ve got to go to the toilet urgently, or my …⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️😳🤣

March 14th 😎 we all know what that day is. Yes, I know it’s Pi Day, but I was referring to Steak & a BJ day 🤪 For those who cannot celebrate, tomorrow is Wank & a Pot Noodle Day #enjoy

Is it just me or do you see it too? 📞🏠😉😆

🤣🤣

If I ever got the chance to name a Road, I'd call it 'Skin Road'. Then I could sit back and just laugh at the people who move into number 4. 🤔😳🤣

I’m confused, having gone to the Weight Watchers website, I have a question. Do I accept cookies or not? It seems like it could be a test 🤔😳🤣

Really pleased to get a full tank of petrol for £60.00 today… Granted it was for the lawnmower but I’m trying to keep positive 👍🤣

Anyone else remember that episode where Aunt Sally gave Wurzel a tug? 🤔😳🤣

I’ll see myself out 🏃