Delta: We’ll Probably Get You There

Accidentally added the chess breakdown of Diptayan Ghosh vs Ian Nepomniachti to the sex playlist

Got charged $2,400 for submitting a help desk ticket. Excited to see this play out

Mona Lisa was so right, fuck eyebrows

The boys season five giving people hope one more time for Destiel romance

Making media so convoluted that people won’t attempt to make video essays about it is my dream.

Corporate said I can’t make a $160 million dollar entry without approval. So I will be making eight $20 million dollar entries to respect their wishes.

We should make a song that’s really awful and unlistenable - musicians every three albums

Happy Friday to all who celebrate

Work side quests suck nothing like the fantasy games. I emailed the wrong person and now I have 24hrs to make a presentation.

I want a premium feature on the iPhone that I can make one of my contact’s phone randomly buzz without a notification. Willing to pay $10 per noto

Reduce the amount of medication in a pill. I have better odds of remembering if I swallowed twelve pills this morning instead of one.

New Wedding Vow: I will turn down any offer by Mr. Beast to get divorced no matter how large the sum of money

“International” House of Pancakes? Sounds like DEI to me IHOP

Calling my boss by his full first, middle, and last name until he tells me to stop

The hornets that occupy the stairwell are growing restless. Soon they will require a sacrifice of the flesh.

Ranking Historical Authors by who would be intrigued by the OmegaVerse

No Wonka, I want you to feel comfortable staying at my place but you can’t make it so my sink pours 7up without talking to me first.

Balance so good they started calling me the flamingo

“Nancy Drew and the curious case of why is my company buying so many books? We do not sell books. I’ve never seen one in this building. Do we have a secret library under the west stair case? Everytime someone gets promoted do they get to buy a bunch of books for their new office?” - Only on Audible

If you have read receipts turned on for emails I will slash your tires.

Me and the squad going up the mountain to look for some molehills

Stereotypical couples argument in a movie but the guy who works on the railroad yells “I’m out there all the live long day”

Yeah not to brag but I speak macaroni Latin and croissant French

Aliens coming to Earth and getting distracted by subway surfer videos

I don’t have a devil and angel on my shoulder I have many tiny incarnations of Nicholas cage

Dropping “Huge News” in the group chat then immediately turning my phone off and going to bed

Trying to recapture that spark by throwing a fork in the office microwave

Excel telling me a file I made might be dangerous. “Aw you think I’m capable of making a virus that’s so sweet”

Officer I don’t know what to tell you. I think some Hooligan keeps putting expired tags on my car. Happened last year too.

I may not have haters but I do have a stomach and that thing fucking loathes me.

Turning in a report and my boss asking “did you discover the trick?” and then taking the report back to my desk

Struggling with Face ID harder than Princess Fiona after sunset

At the end of a villain’s long monologue “and one more thing Mr Bond *boop* got your nose”

We have enough everyday people posting political/financial takes. Give me the amateur meteorologists. I want posts of someone giving me a soul read on my seven day forecast.

You’ve heard of the theatrical version of a film. You’ve heard of the director’s cut. Well now get ready for Zach Synder’s The Justice League - Rough Draft

Scared the hell out of a maintenance worker because he didn’t expect anyone to 1: still be in the office 2: work with the lights off Happy Halloween!

Using pet shampoo because I have that mother fucking dog in me

Had a wasp chill on my desk all day because it can’t figure out how to phase through the window. It refuses to drink the purple Fanta I’ve offered to it.

Exceeded my 2025 New Year’s resolution of reading three pages of a book

I mean if I’m already going to get fired for a screw up I may as well respond to the accusation email with

Do streamers get the same feeling seeing someone in prechat as I do seeing my coworkers before I’ve clocked in?

Sometimes in the story the curtains are just blue? If I walk into your house and you have blue curtains that aren’t dark navy I’m immediately making judgements.

After having to deal with HR and this giant circus. I get it. If I were a CEO I’d replace them all with robots too.

I got plans to get this speeding ticket thrown out

Here’s my movie pitch. Guy who tries to get away with murder but everything goes wrong because he keeps asking AI what he should do next

Starting the petition early to add a 32nd date in July so that when writing out the date seven years from now I’ll be able to have the day and year line up one final time. 06/32/32

Your parents were so disappointed I heard they got CTE from how much they shook their head at you.

Gonna need some Neosporin the way I’m about to slide into these DMs

Victorian Child eating gruel and listening to a bard play a sonata: “You know a Neolithic Child would perish if they experienced this”