I wish I could be mad but he's not even wrong lmao 😅

I asked Google to turn off my lights for some reason thinking that would somehow blow our my candle. So now I've got a small fan plugged into a smart plug so next time I ask Google to turn off my lights, it can blow the fire and burn my house down.

I can't wait for my apartment to not smell like cat piss 🥳

Having guests over like "Please, have the seat"

Gonna make a playlist called "Anxious Beats to stress and overthink to"

Me: I only drink at social gathers now. I'm trying to sober up :) Also me at my nephew's 3rd birthday party: WHOS READY TO POARTY MBITCHESSSS

If stop lights in real life worked more like the Red Light Green Light game from Squid Games, I think a lot less people would be running reds.

My digorno pizza says its serving size is 1/5 of the pizza.. How do you cut a pizza into fifths!?!

"Cheddar cheese? I thought you said SHREDDER CHEESE haha. I was about to go cowabunga on some cheese booty!" "What the fuck are you talking about Michelangelo?"

Yall ever just pee in the dark? It's something let me tell ya.

I'm a simple man and simple things make me happy. Like food. Or when Nordic people say "what the fuck" cause they go like "WHET DEY FOOK!?"

I love that my Dad sends me football memes that I've already seen a week ago, but I don't tell him that I've already seen them. I laugh along and tell him how funny it is like it was the first time I've seen it. I think he appreciates that.

Spellings Bees are such scams because what do you mean "effervescence" has 5 e's in it?

I don't download any apps because I don't need all these billion dollar companies selling my data.. Except Taco Bell. Taco Bell can have my data.

Ahhhh my stomach feels terrible. All I ate today was spicy ramen and an entire bag of doritos, but I refuse to believe these are related factors.

I was telling my fiancé a fun fact about Bob's Burgers and she fell asleep halfway through my sentence. I guess she'll never know that of the entire Belcher family, only one of them is actually voiced by a woman.

Cry first, ask questions later. 😎

"Your rapper name is 'Lil' followed by the last thing you ate" "Lil Nasal Drip"

Thank GOD for bidets

Beware of dog? The dog should beware of ME. Because I'm coming to boop the snoot and NOTHING IS STANDING IN MY WAY.

TikToks been banned. You know where to find me.

TikTok being banned reminds me of the day the Fortnite went down for a day and a half and the entire internet freaked out because they thought the world was ending and they'd actually have to go outside or something

Why is every Finance Influencer acting like the reason I'm not rich is because I didn't put 20 grand into a Roth IRA when I was 14?

Squirting the toothpaste into my mouth like its a tube of go-gurt before brushing my teeth with a bristle toothbrush from the 1400s

The Packers lead the league in amount of times the center vomited onto the football

Was having a good day until I saw the Sesame Street number of the day was 5. Fuck that number.

When I die, I hope anyone who shows up to my funeral is ready to go up to the front and tell jokes. There will be no crying. You will not miss me. If you cry, it better be because the Packers just missed the Playoffs. No other reason.

Everything I've ever learned about businesses and how the world is run and reaffirmed my belief that there are no ethical billionaires To be successful in business is to have no moral compass.

My hot take is that I should be able to regularly buy 1 to 2 servings of something to cook with. I would love to make Tacos one night and then not feel the need to make Tacos for the next 6 nights just so I don't waste food.

Me, who has basically played video games a week straight because im sick: I wanna play video games so bad rn

Bird flew? Of course those bastards can fly. I wanna know what kinda hands these birds are throwing to make me so sick 😪

Bro, nobody is playing this game to relax.

Got my whole Toontown Rewritten poster collection building 😤

YouTube now has an A.I. generated section of "Here are some video ideas you can make!" and it is SO BAD.

I was playing Persona 3 and my Dog was whining at me to pee. So I put the controller down and didn't realize I didn't pause. I came back a couple minutes later to see my party in a fight with the Reaper and 2 of my characters dead 🙃

Any other #skeletoncrew enjoys? I came into it wanting it to be good, and it's turning out even better than I hoped! Also Jaleel White as a pirate is hilarious to me.

Toontown rumors are being shared in my comment section 😳

I'll say "I'm broke" even when I'm not broke because I spent so much of my life being broke that everyone who knows me would absolutely accept that I could be broke at any given time.

My wife and I share a racecar bed. That's what marriage is all about. 🔥

Get yourself a wife that asks you to play Call of Duty Zombies with her 🥰😍

I saw a grown ass 50+ year old man at the gym today watching the Polar Express while doing his workout and I have nothing but the utmost respect for him 💪😤

Real ones 1v1 on Monopoly 😤

Target smells like Starbucks and Theft

The urge to ignore everything else and play Persona 5 for the fourth time 🧐

Follow me if you Like video games 🎮 Like the Green Bay Packers 🧀 Have an unnerving suspicion that someone is watching you at all times 🥸 Like How to Train your Dragon and Lilo and Stitch. God I LOVE those movies 😄

When I brush my teeth, I don't move the toothbrush around in my mouth. Instead, I hold my toothbrush stationary and then shake my head back and forth violently.

The Browns have won against: Ravens (7-4) Steelers (8-3) And have lost against: Giants (2-8) Raiders (2-8) Cowboys (3-7) Y'all gotta give my boy Jameis Winston some flowers

Inside me are 2 wolves

Shoutout to all my trans ninjas out there 🥳

Simple Plan: I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare Me, a 30 year old: Oh my God that's so me