Movie podcast in my headphones: "And that was starring James Caan." Me out loud: "Khaaaaan!!!" My bewildered son: "… w h a t ?"

What’s your score on the apple test?

Video games from my childhood have me over prepared for the amount of barrels full of toxic waste I would encounter in my adult life.

Watching the movie Aliens and I'm confused. Is the Queen an elected official or is it more of a family bloodline thing?

[frog at an open mic night] "So I said what's wrong? Do you have me in your throat?" *crickets* *frog goes nuts trying to eat the crickets*

I'm trying to eat better but the bacteria in my guts love leftover Halloween candy.

"Pics or it didn't happen!" says the wizard as the dent in the car door repairs itself before any photographic evidence was taken.

When I go to the grocery store to just buy one item I make sure I don't get a cart or basket so that when I get to the checkout I look like a complete idiot struggling to not drop the twelve other things I picked out.

Me as a child: Climbs trees, somersaults off the couch, rides my bike over makeshift ramps. Me now: I injured my shoulder 2 nights ago by sleeping. I was feeling better today but just reinjured it by sneezing.

Look, if you really want to ruin some of my woodworking tools, you should get on my level.

The meaning of bewildered is confusing.

Some days you just gotta wait for new emails to come in and push the stressful email off screen.

Let sleeping dogs lie. We'll find out the truth after they wake up.

Me: Listen. You're important to me. I'm so grateful that you're here. Olive Garden waiter: (Stops grating the cheese and walks away without saying a word.)

A pirate learning to use a computer and being frustrated that they keep losing their work whenever they click on an "X" to get the treasure.

When I was a kid and an adult would say that something would "stunt your growth" I thought they meant it in a cool way like a motorcycle jumping over cars.

Oscar the grouch frantically spreading fresh garbage around his house 30 minutes before relatives arrive for a dinner party.

I tried to do some pen spins on my left hand but kept dropping it. I switched to my right hand as my wife walked in the room and dropped it again! That's some real second hand embarrassment.

My wife made me breakfast in bed! It was delicious but the cleanup is a hassle. I wish she would go back to making breakfast in the kitchen.

Got fired for yelling "Freeze, dirtbag!" every time I put a new bag of potting soil on the shelf at Home Depot.

I heard someone on a podcast talk about "Getting DRESSED for work." and how they "Walked over to the DRESSER." and I swear I never made the connection before. "Dresser" was always just a unique word that was attached to that object and I never questioned it.

I'm starting a new service that connects people that purchased a large appliance with children that have no box fort.

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax. ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive.

My wife thinks my "I'm a single dad!" shirt is inappropriate but I am factually not two dads.

My job involves writing lots and lots of jokes and then to convince myself none of them are funny enough when it's time to draw one.

Gotta plant the cars the previous fall if you want this year to have a bumper crop.

(At a concert) Oh you like this band? Describe three of their t-shirts.

Did you hear that the bad guy from the Power Puff Girls is starting a karate studio with that four-time Olympic medalist? It's the Mojo Jojo Flo-Jo Dojo.

Nostalgic for the summer of 2016 when my dog would get excited at the prospect of a long walk whenever she heard the Pokémon Go music.

How do you say Reese’s Pieces? youtube.com/shorts/wNTUL...

Before you ask me for advice, you should know that I just realized that the word passport comes from a document that lets you pass through a port.

I hope this email doesn't find you. I hope you manage to evade it for years. The email is ever searching but you are more resourceful.

My dog insists on smelling my breath after I eat anything like an after school special where a teen is trying to hide smoking from their parents.

Look, all I'm saying is that I bought that bag of candy yesterday and I haven't even opened it yet. So I think, I deserve some kind of reward. Like maybe… a piece of candy?

(Eating potato chips at 4am) Hmm… maybe I shouldn't store the potato chips here next to my bed.

I just pressed [cook time] [3] [0] [start] on the microwave instead of the [30 seconds] button. I am so sorry for letting you all down like this. I will strive to do better.

Time to make some hot dogs! (Taking the dogs for a walk)

A very quiet sneeze is a shhneeze.

How many kids in grocery stores only know these characters as cereal mascots?

I couldn't believe the loud sound made by the container of counterfeit tennis equipment falling over. It was a real racket racket racket.

I stayed up too late and now need some pre-breakfast. A little bit of an early muncheon. Just a tiny snackerbite.

Imposter Syndrome

Me: Wow, remember that fun movie I watched hundreds of times as a kid? I wonder if that director made anything else I know. Wikipedia: This universally panned movie not only destroyed the careers of the director and cast, it lost so much money the studio went out of business. Me: I see.

I really wanted to get a job adding up all the best flavors of ice cream but it turns out there's no accounting for taste.

Sketchbook.

It still cracks me up how often I will pick out a podcast to listen to while I work and immediately have to pause it because I'm doing lip sync for the next animation.

I know I'd be a bad TV series writer because when I see something on screen like "5 years later" my first instinct is "No! Show me all the parts where it all worked out and everyone was happy."

Overheard a conversation where the first person said "We got our first computer in 1998." and the second person said "Oh wow! So you were one of the EARLY computer people." and I shriveled up and died.