I watched a guy jump the pay barrier at the toilets in Glasgow Queen Street Station and press a button to open the accessible gate for his friend and I got Resident Evil 4 flashbacks

I just learned that Dancing in the Moonlight was a cover. It’s insane that Toploader could just emerge out of nowhere, cover an existing song, marry Gail Porter and then fuck off and leave the rest of us to live with the wreckage of their actions.

Connecting to the corporate VPN at work except when you absolutely have to is for nerds, pass it on

Resisting a cash-free economy is clearly the right thing to do, so it’s a real shame that the only people who seem to be interested in resisting it are the same types of people who want to corner you in a bus stop to lecture you about the dangers of 15 minute cities

My Mum now knows who Clavicular. She just heard about him on a podcast. She asked me if I knew about him. I brutally awareness-mogged her because I have known who Clavicular is since that time when he went on a horrible night out with a gang of the worst cunts. #truestoriesofmummogging

I have finished my painstaking analysis of all of the Epstein documents released so far and am ready to give my analysis: boys will be boys 🤷‍♂️

It's cool how we're learning that every mad conspiracy theory about rich and powerful people raping and torturing kids is basically true and we just have to keep turning up at work and going to Pret like everything is normal.

Hi I'm protein and I'm in all your stuff

It's not right that V comes earlier in the alphabet than W. V is a proper, serious end-game letter, while W spiritually belongs with the cosier letters (P, S, and the like). For the sake of reducing labour, just swap V and Y and I think you're good to go. Thanks so much.

One of these AI guys should probably prioritise curing cancer, if only for the sake of a bit of positive PR for their useless, wasteful miserable technology. Like that time when Bored Apes solved climate change and we all stopped making fun of NFT guys. It's a win-win.

It's great that, no matter how full your kitchen bin appears to be, you can always squish it down and fit more in. Huge respect to the engineers at kitchen bin for disrupting big bin liner with innovation.

My Microsoft Teams Wrapped says I'm in the top 1% of people who spent a whole meeting staring at their own face to make sure it looks like they're paying attention

Someone will tell you that Die Hard is actually a Christmas movie. You are a polite person, and your instinct will be to chuckle politely and tolerate their behaviour. You must reject this instinct, and instead embrace wrath. Verily, through righteous scorn bring peace to all men.

Every sentence here is even crazier than the last.

It's cool how supermarkets will sell normal own-brand nuts alongside fair trade own-brand nuts, like they're happy to defer to you when it comes to how much you care about your nuts being exploitative. A classy touch.

Psycho Mantis but for your Reddit browsing history

Hey it's me, an obscure online service you used once five years ago. Just getting in touch to say that if you don't log in soon your account will be deleted permanently. Seriously. Anyway, looking forward to emailing you again in a year explaining that we really, absolutely mean it this time.

My detached, objective, non-partisan analysis of the NYC mayoral election race is that Sliwa could claim to be Walking Here with an authenticity that the other candidates could only dream of

Can we compromise on SOME broke boys and a slow, carefully-regulated intake of new friends

I want to retire early purely so that I don't have to use the "New Outlook" any more

Got raptured. You know what? Heaven actually is a half-pipe. I'm kind of bored.

I'm only on my second day of living every day like it's my last and this is fundamentally unsustainable

It's insane how sandwiches are so ubiquitous and yet still somehow underrated. Outlandish shift from the putting stuff in bread community.

What is Sean Paul's favourite video game? Call of Dutty. This joke would have raised CHUCKLES if I'd come up with it in 2003. Everything could have been different for me.

Twelfth is a fucked up looking word

I’m trying to get ready as best I can, but you know what they say: watched uranium never enriches

Flies are always rubbing their hands together like their sinister plan is starting to take shape, but the sinister plan always amounts to something like flittering around a litter tray for a little while

People think horror films are just about cheap scares, but they often make subtle comments about the human experience. For example, the sunken place in Get Out (2017) is an allegory for when you have a bad cold and your head is fuzzy but you're trying to keep it together in a Teams call at work.

Closest I ever come to feeling like a saint is when I give a cyclist the legal minimum amount of space when overtaking them. Go in peace, my 2-wheeled brethren, for I recognise you as a fellow road user of almost equal status. I won't even rev that much when overtaking. I am not like the other cars.

Every time you see a senior manager advocate for a mandatory return to office you have to consider that they’re probably just sad because it’s much harder to have extramarital affairs and sexually harass your staff when they’re happily and safely working from home

"This gathering could have been a scroll" - a busy wizard

Both Soundcloud and Spotify think I live in Manchester and keep recommending me gigs in Manchester. If I try to tell Soundcloud to show me gigs in Glasgow instead it says "No Results Found.", so I'm starting to wonder if my whole life is a hallucination.

How about a police drama but - get this - the detective is dealing with some personal problems they have to deal with and we have to watch that whole process in addition to the crime solving bit that we actually want to watch

Finding it so tough to explain to my kids what the world was like before the Segway

It's cool how you can read any random news story about China, learn the name of a city you've never heard of before, then google that city and discover that more people live in that one city than in the whole of Belgium

A lot of guys these days will act like they’re big Putsch heads but when you ask them to name one other than the Beer Hall and they clam right up

If people are so bothered about stolen valour why are we letting 6 year olds get away with wearing Minecraft backpacks that say “crafting since alpha” on them. These are the questions the mainstream media won’t touch.

Is there someone I can write to at Internet to opt-in to accepting cookies by default? Because Internet has been politely asking me about cookies for years now, and if I haven't bothered to find out what's wrong with accepting cookies at this point I'm never going to.

Had a dream where it was normalised that people can crawl into other people's mouths and come out of their bums without causing any apparent harm to either party. I was trying to point out to other people that that was pretty fucked up but everyone was very dismissive of my concerns.

Modern viewers may not realise that the bear suit scene in The Shining was originally intended to be unsettling, whereas in 2024 bear suit blowies have become normalised and effectively mandatory because of woke

Defund Paw Patrol

The difference between "getting a shave" and "being shaved" is bigger, and more important, than you might think

I heard that Chad Warden stopped posting videos because he got really into Steven Spielberg's Boom Blox on the Wii and couldn't keep living a lie

I've been on hold with my broadband provider long enough that the hold music playlist has looped and I'm hearing I'm Good by David Guetta and Bebe Rexha for the second time and I can't shake this uncanny feeling that i'ma have the best fuckin' night of my life.

It is often said that a man has to have a code, but I checked and that’s actually not true, just do whatever

Someone will tell you that Die Hard is actually a Christmas movie. You are a polite person, and your instinct will be to chuckle politely and tolerate their behaviour. You must reject this instinct, and instead embrace wrath. Verily, through righteous scorn bring peace to all men.

This actually happened

My phone network told me to look at my 2023 "story". Is it possible that not every service needs to do a year-end wrap up? What insights could it possibly give me, that I was in the top 1% of people that called my mum? The twist: it's not even personalised, just generic corporate boasting.

Mary’s boy child (Jesus Christ)

I was willing to forgive Wayfair for trafficking children in office furniture - everybody makes mistakes - but they've crossed a line now www.wayfair.co.uk/storage-orga...