Trashy Knicks fan nicks Knicks can; gets canned, fined; Knicks can fine

Instead of negging, men should flirt with positivity. Dating would feel so much safer if men tried to get me “pozzed”.

It’s time we stop pumping chemicals into the pools our children swim in. Thank you President Trump for introducing my family to the Natural Pool lifestyle. #MAHA (And yes—The woke neighbor is triggered 🤣)

2 hours and no response 🙃

“Men are such perverts,” I say as I clock out of my job where I serve coffee wearing a bikini, which is not a pervert job to have

The NBA Finals would be a lot more interesting if the ballboy accidentally inflated *Jalen Brunson* instead of the ball. And they dribble him up and down the court while the cheerleaders giggle 😂 Ope, three pointer!

Actors in commercials are so funny. Imagine whoring out your craft to dupe poor people into buying cars they can’t afford.

are you kidding me

(“CATCH A PREDATOR” BUT FOR BISEXUAL GIRLS CAUGHT MEETING UP WITH YET ANOTHER MAN) BUTCH DECOY: Be back in a sec! Just finding that Lacan translation haha CHRIS HANSEN: Why don’t you get sat.

If a “boobs guy” was woman he’d be a “balls guy” woman 🤡 Only ASS MAN would get to like cocks

Date just tipped 20% of the *pre-tip* amount 🙃

Someone just asked for directions to a hospital 🤡 I was like, Take a right into “App Store”... when you see “Google Maps”, proceed straight into the “Download” button !

Finally got HPV ☺️

As a trans woman, I empathize with AI artists. To have one’s hands scrutinized for signs of, “a fake” ...

We have OnlyFans. Why can’t we have an OnlyFRIENDS, for those of us interested in *platonically* whoring our bodies out for money?

BlueSky should automatically give you the same number of followers as you have on Twitter

As a linguist, I find Star Wars intolerable. Yoda’s English proficiency is easily CEFR C1. You’re telling me in 900 years, no one ever pulled him aside to be like “Hey man, just a heads up, we kind of do Subject-Verb-Object actually” ??

GRINCH: *panting* YODA (slyly): Ah... in heat, you are.

Balls are the boobs of the penis

You are not a true writer if you have ever showed another human being a “work in progress”

“Blue is the 𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘮𝘦𝘴𝘵 color”? Maybe in the warped mind of a lesbian teen

If I hear someone use the term “directionally true” -- I astral project away to do whippets in CandyLand with this lady

I love when someone claims to have “realized” they are poly. What? “Ohhhh I have the fat slut gene”

You are presented with 10 buttons. On those buttons are the numbers 0 thru 9. You are invited to press 10 buttons (repeats are allowed). At the end, you may press an 11th button (green). Exactly one sequence causes your mother’s phone to ring. Did you press that sequence today?

Wild that these things have largely disappeared, and yet “segway into [a topic]” has become a permanent figure of speech meaning “transition into a topic”.

Once a year, they should have a special broadcast of the president randomly pressing one of 50 red buttons, where one unknown button = nuclear launch. Imagine the parties most years

sexy as hell when someone’s oppression is low key the only thing they got going on 🤤

There should be a DoorDash to “deliver” YOURSELF to somewhere

Content. Stop. Did you read that as CONtent? i.e., mindless social media crap? Or did you read it as conTENT, i.e., the adjective meaning “in a state of happiness”. Yup: “Oof.” Time for some reflection? 😉

Just overheard the psychiatric nurse mutter “impatient treatment” like OF COURSE I’m “impatient” the psych eval was YOUR idea I just wanna get it over with and go home !

I dreamt of a brie little man called the Cheesling

Who else can make your pupils bigger/smaller on command? When I meet someone else like that, I’m like, Okay HERE is another human being

Someone should make an LLM that, instead of the useless “thinking” it does, just produces text based on what is statistically likely. I feel like this would be more useful AND less compute ?

so my grandmother has been using AI to talk to me. literally wtf

Swiss cheese should have a different kind of cheese in the holes. It ages differently and the pressure builds up and if you don’t eat it in time it starts to rupture out like little cheeseworms

The “light side of the Moon” is because (we’re told) the Sun. Half = light. That’s why we see it. Same with Earth (day = half of Earth seeable). But, we can see one side of the Sun too. You catching on? ...Yup. What is the light side of the Sun because of?🤔

THEY FUCKING MISSED 😭

(To my date whose toilet I just clogged) Ah… Well, astronauts have this problem

Claude is down :/ so I’m just running my sink

We have non-alcoholic beer. Why can’t we have non-h‍e‍r‍o‍in smack, for those of us who are sober but still enjoy the tactile ritual of ty‍ing off and spik‍ing up?

re my op -- is it ok if my id is dl re my bf if he is an ai ?? ik im yt so my gc is on it rn .. we dk if he is yt or if he is ?? so we dk if dl is ok to id as .. if it is up to me ig dl is ok ?? do we fw it or is it un pc or ?? dm me ur 2c if yk if dl is ok if im yt re an ai bf

It’s the last day of March. SIKE! March has 31 days! How do I remember that?—“The Toe Trick”. Take off your shoes. List off months for each toe and gap. Skip the big toes! Toe Months have 31 days. My followers deserve information that will improve their lives.

Our justice system should be blind to moral luck. If you blow through a red light, you should be charged as though 5 children happened to jump into the crosswalk a split second before.

The constution should be changed to “Life, Liberty, and the Right to be whatever Fandom I know is right for ME, with Liberty, no Gatekeeping, and Acceptance for all.”

ⓘ 𝗚𝗘𝗡𝗗𝗘𝗥 𝗙𝗔𝗖𝗧𝗦 Did you know that transition is NOT an effective substitute for a personality?

Had an interesting discussion with a hiring manager !

It must suck like hell to be fat and do something wrong

I feel like alot of addicts would get clean if they knew what they were funding in Mexico.

I was subjected to ceaseless torments in boyhood. “Whoever smelt it,” my bullies sneered, “...𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘵 𝘪𝘵.” And we wonder whence our culture of silence.

Sorry for not ever responding on here. I just come over to copy+paste my Tweets, because I don't care about BlueSky and I find everyone on it insufferable and unworthy of my attention