James Bond fails to stop Amazon’s plan for world domination. Now a slave at their distribution center forced to piss in bottles he longs for the days his drinks were the only thing shaken & not stirred. “You Only Ship Twice”. Mike Myers’s is cast as the new Bond & Jeff Bezos plays Ernst Blofeld.

Ala the “Michael” biopic: An Austrian artist struggles after his father’s death. Dropping out of private school, & rejected 2x by an art college, he’s forced to sell paintings in the street. The last scene shows him at a Charlie Chaplin film. Timothy Chalamet is “Adolf”. Amy Adams is Eva Braun.

Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996). Riffed in the 10th season of MST3K. 25 Kentucky Street, Petaluma, CA.

Somewhere deep in space there is a buck to be made. Realizing Sith names aren’t subtle or clever, Disney goes full ham with Darth Bad Guy, Darth Evil, & Darth Genocide. Who cares what the plot is, it’s “Star Wars: Lasers & Lightsabers”. Carrie Fisher’s AI ghost Leia hocks crypto coins.

In space there is no talking to understand aliens, or exploration; just shooting Romulans. The crew renames The Enterprise as “Zoomie Fast Laser Explosion.” AI Leonard Nimoy is brought back to portray Dr. Spock as a white tech bro with blond hair. “Star Trek: the Star Wars”. Written by Andy Wier.

Samara Weaving & Elijah Wood play an innocent couple arrested by false AI detection for a casino robbery. The real paranoid robbers, Margot Robbie & Daniel Radcliffe, hunker down in a small Nevada town run by a suspicious former sheriff played by John Goodman. “Double Down” directed by Ang Lee.

A man with a split personality runs a small town ice cream shop. One half is a snarky buffoon while the other is a whimsical goofball. His friends can’t tell the difference & really don’t care. “Double Scoop of Vanilla” starring both Jesse Eisenberg & Michael Cera in the lead role. PTA directs.

Billionaire Taylor Swift documents her post-Eras life as she enters marriage: Picking out ‘cute’ Saturday morning outfits, preparing talking points about her husband’s dong, interviewing nannies for her future brood, & lamenting her failed country music career in her film “Sad Life of A Trad Wife”.

Liam Neeson narrates a documentary about the luxurious lives of concentration camp guards. The film extolls their “virtues” & builds on conspiracy theories that there were no Jews in the camps. Neeson’s publicist claims it was just a job & his views differ. “The Distance Money Can Buy.”

A magical island housing an all-girls wizarding school opens to acclaim. But lo, the girls are not safe as the school headmaster Voldepestein has nefarious plans for them: old & powerful wizards fly there to dip their wands. Directed by Brett Ratner. Produced by JK “I’m protecting girls” Rowling.

Nickelodeon gives Donald Trump the Kids’ Choice Award for “Favorite Butt-Kicker.” In return the network gets a shiny new orange plane to fly kids directly from their studio to Mar-A-Lago. Though preferring a Nobel Prize, his Pedophileness greets them all the same in “Hold Your Peace.”

Peter Dinklage is a lion tamer promoted to trapeze artist for his skill & bravery. Looking down at the little people from his position in the big top he fires & replaces the tamers with stuffed animals. His acclaim & bank account grow. “Downsizing”. Gal Gadot is an emotionally stunted ringmaster.

Boys marooned on an island form a tribe organized around God, no “stinky girls”, & football. They spend their days fishing & roasting marshmallows. When rescued they cry over losing their paradise. The trailer plays “Born to Be Wild” for their hijinks. Andy Serkis directs “Lord of the Flies.”

When two companies remain there is no choice; prices soar as bank accounts plummet. Between being cash machines to corporations & disposable materials to employers public morale evaporates. Netflix/WB presents “Suck It Losers.” Only on digital. Musk, Bezos, Zuck, & Larry Page cameo as the Hydra.

Emma Stone is Twig, a model who loses her job & is forced to become a Lion tamer. The smell of meat triggers her eating disorder, so she hires people to tie her up and throw twinkies at her while yelling “fatty fatty fat fat” in Yorgos Lanthimos “Masochist Director.” Jesse Plemons is a ham.

One man will bring water standards back to the “good old days.” One man will eliminate yucky fluoride from water treatment. One man will bring back that delicious taste kids only get by chewing on paint chips by replacing copper pipes with lead. That one man is RFK Jr in “The Cull-Again Man.”

Kevin James returns as Paul Blart. Landing a job at ICE, he is paired with Dean Cain and assigned to a Maine lighthouse to watch for immigrant ships. They take turns making dick shadows with the light, but still no one see anything in “Blart on the Rocks.” Vince Vaughn voices a crusty shrimp.

It’s 2050. A new decade beckons for the sacrifice of art for profit as the dust is wiped off another script from a tired franchise. Ben Stiller is pushed out of his nursing home as Robert Deniro’s skeleton is dug up. “I’m Only In This for the Focking Money.” Deniro’s 7 kids collect his paycheck.

Wes Anderson directs Bill Murray, Angelica Huston, Willem Dafoe, Owen Wilson, Scarlet Johansson, Jason Schwartzman, Frances McDormand, Jeff Goldblum, Adrien Brody, Bryan Cranston,Tilda Swinton, Edward Norton,and Michael Cera in a whimsical story of a pebble rolling down a hill in 1950’s Italy.

Dejected by the NFL, a female kicker uses her initials to deceive the league & achieve her self-validated worth by joining the Patriots. Successful, she pulls the ladder up behind her to spite anyone utilizing her strategy, only to hurt herself in the process. J.K.Rowling starts in “TERF Toe.”

A scientist played by Elizabeth Olson must fund her own research by selling toys on the side. The unanticipated results of her experiments combined with her side gig create an intriguing combination. Hasbro’s answer to Barbenheimer is “Marie Curie’s Glow Worm.” Jason Momoa cameos as a Care Bear.

Resurrected using AI, Jimmy Stewart & Abraham Lincoln fight in a bikini mud-wrestling battle to save the rec center. Failing to declare a winner results in an impromptu limbo match. “Lowering the Bar.” Written by AI Writing Unit 23. ‘Directed’ by AI Michael Bay. AI Seth Rogan is a spa patron.

Kevin Costner stars in a new western (no big surprise) as a man who single-handedly saves a Native American tribe using a bad Irish accent and cornball dialogues about the “American Dream.” Taking credit for their cultural struggles he chews the scenery and wins an Oscar. “White Washing.”

In a stretch of her acting abilities, Michelle Rodriguez plays a feisty latina line cook using her physicality to prove she is just as strong as any man (while lacking true emotional depth). Explosions, car chases, & grunts replace dialogue. “Cheeseburger With Jalapeños.” Directed by Michael Bay.

Three men are tasked with deporting penguins illegally born in US zoos to Antarctica. Plans go sideways when one of the birds is revealed to be Ben Shapiro in a tuxedo. Not use to wet or warmth, Shapiro blends into the dry tundra. Chuck Norris, Adam Sandler, & Mel Gibson star in “ICE Capades.”

Robert Zemeckis & Bob Gale die in an “accident.” Within 24 hours Universal announces the remake of Back to the Future. Tom Holland & Bryan Cranston star as Marty & Doc, beset with ensuring all cable companies but Comcast are extinct in the future. Shareholders go wild. Donald Trump is Biff.

Dwayne Johnson dons a prosthetic nose & fools everyone into thinking he’s a real actor. In flashback scenes he loses the nose & transforms into looking like himself, and people remember how wooden his acting is. “ Pinocchio.” Chris Pratt is Geppetto with Seth Rogan as Jiminy Cricket.

Similar to Francis Ford Coppola’s winery sale to lose big on “Megalopolis”, Zuckerberg sells Facebook for his film featuring an AI version of himself staring at the camera for 148 minutes trying to convince everyone the “real” Zuckerberg is not a robot. Jeff Bezos is a canker sore. “Dead Eyes”.

A “wallet inspector” convinces a banker to give him all her dirty money for an organ transplant. She falls in love, but he leaves with all her cash and her heart. Mikey Madison stars in Neon’s “Gullible”. 5 people see it, but somehow it wins the Oscar for Best Picture. 2 people get this reference.

In a reverse trend Disney remakes a live action film into animation with snappy dialogue & call-backs to 1940’s exploitation (like Song of the South). Featuring the voices of Tim Allen, Warren Beatty, Meryl Streep, Gal Gadot, & Zendaya. “Caligula”(rated G). Directed by Quintin Tarantino.

Jason Statham is Everyman Workboots, a straight CIS white male general contractor from Alabama. He fantasizes about dealing out blue-collar justice from his red-state couch while throwing empty beer cans at his children & yelling about how worthless his wife is in “Conservative Justice Wet Dream”.

It’s 2045. James Cameron, in his underwater dome next to the wreck of the Titanic, releases the new trailer for “Avatar 28: Lewis & Clark In Space.” Using AI, he changes the color of Oregon Trail from green to blue. Variety calls it “innovative”. Part 29 comes out on floppy disk in 10 years.

Trump believes LGBTQIA+ people smuggle aborted fetuses for experimental COVID vaccines in the new thriller by Mel Gibson. Fearing vaccines give them “gay super-powers” for sports, he shuts down the “underground” transcontinental railroad crippling the economy. “First Grade Comprehension Skills.”

M.Night Shyamalan directs the story of a baker with telekinetic powers. Losing his hands in a tragic yeast accident, he must use dance moves to create new concoctions. Will he rise to the occasion or will his business fold? “The Twist”. Rob Schneider in full blackface is Chubby Checker.

In the newest soon-to-be-cancelled StarWars film (Untitled) announced by Disney: somewhere (definitely not space) a person (totally not a Jedi) must solve a mystery (completely not about The Force) causing a problem (not a parable for modern times) created by a misunderstood villain (Matt Damon).

In a new bio-pic Timothy Chamalet plays legendary one-eyed fisherman Carp Johnson. On Sesame Street he finds typical lures don’t work, so he changes strategies and campaigns for the other muppets to help capture the garbage prize. This Summer catch “Oscar Bait”. Tom Cruise is Envy the green twin.

Tired of Jiu-Jitsu, hydrofoiling, & cosplaying toxic masculinity Mark Zuckerberg gets asshole-affirming surgery. Now a literal sphincter the capitalist shit it espouses matches its look. A24 presents “Black Hole”. Katy Perry tries to stay relevant in a cameo role as an actual pubic hair.

After 5 years in Northern California forests, Daniel Day-Lewis leaves retirement. Annoying the production & asking to be called “Red” he lives off soil, dirt, ego, & sun while staring in “Tree”: Answering the question “If he falls in the woods and doesn’t win an Oscar will anyone see the film?”

Sean Penn and P.Diddy exchange notes on how to maximize professional success for personal gain while abusing women with a camera around in Miramax’s “Penn Pals,”. A Harvey Weinstein production. Based on true stories.

Tim Burton directs a 1950’s film about an outsider who lacks social skills (or a desire to actually connect with people) whose mother runs a laundromat themed around cats while casting black people in only stereotypical roles in “Rinse, Recycle, Repeat.” Johnny Depp is a door-to-door sock salesman.

Oprah, the Wicked Witch of the West, enables the terrible Dr. Oz to rise to power and slash Medicare & Medicaid; Dorothy dies in childbirth, Scarecrow is lobotomized, Tin Man dies of a botched coronary bypass, & the Lion commits suicide after denial of his PTSD medication in “Wicked 2: Full Kansas.”

Mark “If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn't have went down like it did” Wahlberg single-handily stops Hitler, the Oklahoma City bombing, & 9/11 in Marvel’s “What If...” Rob Schneider is the Vietnamese man he blinded in one eye & The Rock cameos as his steroid supplier “No Neck Nick.”

Elon Musk slams his Tesla truck’s hood on his tiny dick while twirling a cane in black face and belting out his best Al Jolson impersonation from “The Jazz Singer” in “Masterful Gambit Sir!” James Corden voice cameos as Sir Reginald Bottom-feeder, the musical worm living in RFK Jr’s frontal lobe.