Andy Street on BBC Newsnight just now. Former Conservative Mayor of West Midlands. He seems a decent, sensible person - must feel very lonely in today's Conservative Party.

If the Rapture happens on Tuesday, I can't work out which outcome I prefer... 1. President Trump and his supporters go up to Heaven, leaving the rest of us to enjoy a more peaceful life down here. 2. All of us non-malevolent people get taken up to Heaven, leaving Trump and MAGA supporters down here.

“Well maybe they can borrow the flag on Saturdays, as long as they promise to give it back to us by 6pm. Is that OK Tommy?”

Mandelson has been nothing but trouble in most of the jobs he's held. He's a terrible choice of ambassador - he won't last.

It's with a heavy heart that I have to announce I won't take part in the election for deputy prime minister. It's partly because I'm not an MP or even a member of the Labour Party, but mainly because, as a rat, I really don't wish to embark on a ship that's bound to sink rather soon.

I'm not one for conspiracy theories, but I'm beginning to wonder if Sirhan Sirhan was sent back in time from 2026 to 1968 to eliminate RFK Jr long before he could do irreparable damage to America's health - and he just got the wrong guy.

BBC Radio 4 comedy programmes are largely shouty people with high voices talking really fast about their ADHD, autism or sexuality. The one on now - Saturday at 12:30 is a good (bad) example of this irritating trend. The only ones worth listening to are the News Quiz and I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue.

BBC Newsnight with Rees Mogg and Rosie Wrighting MP. Facile. I never liked Paxman, but he was a bit more thoughtful than the bloke with the funny moustache.

I've never been interested in football - or any other sport - and I'm still not.

I miss Janey Godley

IDF spokesman David Mencer on BBC Radio 4's Today programme right now, ranting and making it very clear Israel is out of control and deliberately starving the population of Gaza. I hope they stop featuring him on the programme in future.

On the BBC Radio 4 news at 6pm, "Israel has said it is dangerous to be a minority in Syria". How ironic! Pot. Kettle. Black. Apartheid.

Matt Goodwin is right, London is a hellhole. I saw this rabble this morning with their "colourful" national costumes and primitive banners. They said they were catching swans - to eat, no doubt. I phoned the police but they told me to stop wasting their time. Typical.

Frank Luntz on Newsnight at the moment, talking bollocks as usual. Why do they keep featuring him?

Putin “has gone absolutely crazy” says President Trump, who beat him to it.

What with all the posts about Eurovision, tonight would be a great time for North Korea to nuke Guam, China to seize Assam, Canada to incorporate Alaska and Mongolia to destroy Iran, Iraq, Turkey and Russia.

Sebastian Gorka just been interviewed on BBC Radio 4 World at One. Most unfair - they made him come over as a revolting, mendacious, bullying buffoon. In real life he's not a disgusting, lying, hate-filled pimple of pus - far from it.

Can Americans not just overthrow President Trump, or would that be unconstitutional?

Oh god, it's The Ultimate Choice chaired by Steph McGovern on Radio 4. I'll have to get up from my comfy chair to turn it off.

Isabel Oakeshott is on BBC 4's The Media Show right now. One of the most outstanding journalists to ever live in Dubai and be in a relationship with Richard Tice.

JD Vance audience at Vatican ends in bitter row as Vice President tells Pope that crucifixion is NOT a cruel and unusual punishment.

Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, And I’ll send them to prison in El Salvador!

I liked it in the 1960s when anything can happen in the next half hour. I don’t like it in the 2020s when anything can happen in the next half hour. m.youtube.com/watch?v=E06c...

And with all of this going on, we are distracted from the horrors being executed in Gaza and Ukraine.

BREAKING: Colorado's State Capitol releases new presidential portrait

Helen Lewis on Radio 4's Strong Message Here just described Mark Carney as "not everyone's idea of a spunky puncher". This created a hideous image of a Las Vegas boxing match inside my head, and I will be cancelling my Private Eye subscription and my TV licence immediately.

Is the Ministry of Defence developing contingency plans to take over US military bases in Britain if relations deteriorate? There are 13 US bases in Britain, including Lakenheath, Mildenhall, Fairford and Alconbury. What would we do if the US attempts to annex Canada or Greenland?

JD Vance's eagerly-awaited follow-up to Hillbilly Elegy is provisionally titled The Story of My Experiments With Truth

I never thought I'd look back on the Reagan years with fond nostalgia.

People have been trying to overthrow the Constitution of the United States for 150 years and more - anarchists, communists, Trotskyites, fascists. Who'd have thought it would turn out to be so easy? Take Sacco and Vanzetti - their simple mistake was to be poor instead of corrupt billionaires.

I think the one on the right would have made a better FBI Director. But both are very silly indeed.

Covid bioweapon. Wuhan lab. USAID. I was uncertain if Elon Musk was deliberately making stuff up to cause trouble and disrupt, or if he’s just a very stupid person. Now I’ve decided he’s very, very stupid. IQ of 160? My arse!

Terrifying slashers to give you nightmares

I bet Trump fires Elon Musk by June, because everyone is horrified by the damage he's doing, and because Trump doesn't want another egotist near him. But he's been used like Putin uses North Korean soldiers - stupid and wasteful frontal assaults that Trump can blame on Musk and wash his hands of.

Trump orders FWS to euthanise Punxsutawney Phil after groundhog refuses to reject global warming lies.

Trump blames Sioux, Cheyenne and Arapahoe Diversity policies for Little Bighorn disaster