The Repair Shop wasn't very good either, so you haven't missed anything.

How long before Reform UK dredge up grainy CCTV footage of Count Binface having sex with a bottlebank in Wigan?

It's outrageous that Nigel Farage will be allowed to leave his post as MP for Clacton by accepting the Crown office of Steward of the Chiltern Hundreds. What qualifications does this clown have for this job? There must be thousands of better-qualified applicants for this post - myself included.

In a time of crisis, the nation is buoyed up by the prospect of a six-part Keir Starmer biopic, starring David Morrissey.

Just turned off Radio 4's World at One because Zia Yusuf was spewing out a twisted attack on the police (they deserve criticism, but not the criticism Yusuf is making) and Sarah Montague couldn't make him stop. Don't bring these people onto the programme in the first place - they make things worse.

Breaking news... Stephen Miller has had his head repurposed for planned Golden Dome anti-ballistic missile system. A senior Department of War official said "Our top boffins noticed how his shiny empty bald head resembles a radome protecting sensitive radar equipment. Maybe he can be of use now"

I don’t think any new house can truly be called “home” until you have your Blodwyn Pig album cover on display

Matthew Syed as a commentator on Newsnight right now. Why? I could understand if it was about ping pong, but it;s about the local elections. He's no expert - on anything, except ping pong.

Unpleasant 15 minutes listening to BBC's The World At One, with Wes Streeting talking almost without interruption. He kind of shouts and says everything very fast, because he's memorised the script his SPAD's forced him to stick to. Pointless letting him on a news programme uninterrupted.

From today's Guardian... "The entire room emptied as people were told the event would not resume and the presidential seal was removed from the podium." What was the White House thinking, bringing a seal to a crowded, noisy and dangerous event? Thank goodness it wasn't injured in the shooting.

If only we'd had Vance, Witkoff and Kushner negotiating the Versailles Treaty in 1919, we'd never have had World War II. Everything would have been so chaotic and unwritten and unenforceable, the Great War would have continued up to the present day - Silesia, Saarland, Danzig, Trieste... whatever.

I'll repost this from 13 months ago. The only thing that's changed is that Greenland and Canada were uppermost in Trump's senile brain then - and now it's Iran, for the time being. But Britain should still have plans to take over all US bases to stop the madness.

1940-41 Jews expelled from their homes into ghettos then death camps… Warsaw - 380,000; Łódź - 200,000; Lwów - 120,000; Minsk - 100,000 April 2026 Lebanese expelled from their homes and homes destroyed to prevent return… Southern Lebanon - 600,000

I've never been a monarchist, but I would swear undying loyalty to King Charles if he wears this T shirt when he meets Trump on his state visit to the USA later this month

Remember how ineffective the League of Nations was? But It imposed sanctions on Italy for invading Ethiopia in 1935, expelled the USSR for invading Finland in 1939. The USA & Israel should be suspended from the UN. And Nato should suspend the USA - we can’t trust them.

Not sure who was the hapless minister being interviewed on the Today programme a few minutes ago, but he sounded exactly like hapless minister Ben Swain in The Thick Of It

Thank goodness - now we can build a flyover high above Stonehenge instead. www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026...

That settles it - if Simon Jenkins thinks the King's visit should go ahead, then it should definitely be cancelled. www.theguardian.com/commentisfre...

How Ayatollah Khamenei's successor was chosen...

Hegseth says the sinking of the Iranian frigate Dena was "the first sinking of a warship by a torpedo since World War Two". As with most things he says, that is untrue - the obsolete Argentinian cruiser General Belgrano was sunk by a torpedo from the British submarine Conqueror on 2 May 1982.

So if a UK Typhoon capable of mach 2 using an ASRAAM missile costing $250,000 shoots down an Iranian Shahed drone doing 300 knots costing about $30,000, wouldn't it be better to develop modern versions of slower and cheaper cannon-armed piston-engine aircraft like Hawker Tempests or P-51s?

I feel sorry for the PR agency hoping to promote British Pie Week, 2-9 March. Tragic.

I hope Isabel Oakeshott is safe in Dubai

Whatever you think of Farage and Jenrick, two guys who can laugh when they both fart at once can't be ALL bad.

Just switched off Matthew Syed's Sideways on Radio 4. At least I can say I've done something useful today.

Careful Tim - that language got Derek Bentley into a lot of trouble.

I'd like to know what the UK will do if the USA invades Greenland and our Nato allies resist. Will we take over US bases at Mildenhall, Lakenheath and Fairford? Who will do the job - Suffolk & Gloucestershire Constabularies? RAF Regiment? Parachute Regiment? I hope someone is planning for this.

What they're really thinking at a Kristi Noem press conference

Slightly diminish a band... The Dud Kennedys

Slightly diminish a band... Can't

Slightly diminish a band... Huey Lewis and the Newts

Slightly diminish a band... Godspeed You Black Lord Mayor

Slightly diminish a band... The Small Faeces

Slightly diminish a band... The Mardy Blues

Slightly diminish a band... The Recycled Plastic Ono Band

Nice obituary of Molly Parkin in the Guardian, with this intriguing sentence:- "After years of serial, often trophy, men (many bored her – she spent tedious hours spanking John Mortimer)..." www.theguardian.com/artanddesign...

BREAKING: RFK Jr orders immediate shutdown of all power plants - "I read somewhere on the Internet that electricity causes cancer - FACT!"

Can you trust a Russian non-aggression pact? Compare the history of Soviet pacts with… Lithuania 1926: occupied 1940. Finland 1932: invaded 1939. Latvia 1932: occupied 1940. Estonia 1932:occupied 1940. Poland 1932: invaded 1939. Japan 1941: invaded 1945.

Breaking: exclusive photo of Andrew's new property on Sandringham estate

A shock to see Rolf Harris on BBC Newsnight just now.

Oh blimey, Frank Luntz on BBC Newsnight AGAIN! introduced as a polling guru - which he isn't - he also gets to give his erroneous opinions on banning Maccabi fans and Trump's peace plan.

Alex Philips, a Talk TV presenter, Richard Bacon, a coke-snorting former Blue Peter presenter, and K.T. McFarland, a weirdly mummified former deputy National Security adviser from 2017 - how has BBC Newsnight fallen so far as to have these idiots discussing the Gaza ceasefire?

Andy Street on BBC Newsnight just now. Former Conservative Mayor of West Midlands. He seems a decent, sensible person - must feel very lonely in today's Conservative Party.

If the Rapture happens on Tuesday, I can't work out which outcome I prefer... 1. President Trump and his supporters go up to Heaven, leaving the rest of us to enjoy a more peaceful life down here. 2. All of us non-malevolent people get taken up to Heaven, leaving Trump and MAGA supporters down here.

“Well maybe they can borrow the flag on Saturdays, as long as they promise to give it back to us by 6pm. Is that OK Tommy?”

Mandelson has been nothing but trouble in most of the jobs he's held. He's a terrible choice of ambassador - he won't last.

It's with a heavy heart that I have to announce I won't take part in the election for deputy prime minister. It's partly because I'm not an MP or even a member of the Labour Party, but mainly because, as a rat, I really don't wish to embark on a ship that's bound to sink rather soon.

I'm not one for conspiracy theories, but I'm beginning to wonder if Sirhan Sirhan was sent back in time from 2026 to 1968 to eliminate RFK Jr long before he could do irreparable damage to America's health - and he just got the wrong guy.

BBC Radio 4 comedy programmes are largely shouty people with high voices talking really fast about their ADHD, autism or sexuality. The one on now - Saturday at 12:30 is a good (bad) example of this irritating trend. The only ones worth listening to are the News Quiz and I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue.