OFFICIAL: China urges U.S. government to avoid human rights abuses in restive American province of Oregon.

NEWS: US Secretary of War Hegseth summons top military leaders for Party study session on Donald Trump Thought.

BREAKING: American comedian rehabilitated.

We’re suckers for a gold card, but we looked into this and it doesn’t get you into anyplace cool.

Comedians in China still allowed to make fun of US government.

OPINION: Comrade Trump is practicing politics the right way.

Close the universities and send down the students to labor on the farms. What could go wrong?

👀

MEDIA GUIDANCE: Do not report on remarks that comrade Xi’s Hongqi limousine “looks like a pregnant Lada”. www.bloomberg.com/news/article...

Good thinking, comrades. Portland isn’t going to invade itself.

Wait...It wasn't always called that?

Good idea, comrades. Nothing gets the political blood pumping harder than a plenary session. Make sure you have banners.

OFFICIAL: Claims that military parade is “crypto-erotic spectacle” dismissed.

NEWS: People’s Armed Police troops demonstrate precision shouting skills before assembled dignitaries.

On this occasion of solemn remembrance of the blood spilled in the Chinese People's War of Resistance against Japanese Aggression and the World Anti-Fascist War, we invite people everywhere to reflect upon the fact that our military parades kick ass.

Imagine being sentenced to death by a girl who looks like your rich cousin’s most spoiled daughter.

Apropos of nothing, if our American friends ever need advice on the best ways to embalm a corpse for worshipful public display, we have some literature.

The auguries tell us that when Gordon Chang stops talking trash about us is when the Party will fall. Lighting some joss sticks for comrade Chang's long life and continued health. 🙏

Mobilizing the full resources of the State to crush one man because his existence challenges the official narrative? 😍😍😍 We’re proud of you, American friends!

Politically effective language that struggling US “Democrat” party should use in communication, according to experts: ✅ Communism ✅ Common Prosperity ✅ Dual Circulation ✅ New Productive Forces ✅ Ecological Civilization ✅ Xi Jinping Thought for a New Era of Socialism with Chinese Characteristics

How many KTV lounges and climate controlled, three-story baijiu storage rooms we put in our embassy is none of the UK’s business.

BREAKING: Intel’s links with US Government probed. Spokescadre: [cough] Huawei [cough]”

If being politically unreliable isn’t a crime, what is?

Comrade Greco’s mistake was not putting the cash under an elegant tray of sea cucumber. We’ve never had a reporter say no to that.

DID YOU KNOW: In America, hurling so-called “foot-long” at someone is considered the ultimate insult as such sandwiches are widely believed to resemble exaggerated male genitalia. www.nytimes.com/2025/08/13/u...

OFFICIAL: Party leadership compound at Zhongnanhai not suitable for so-called “UFC” brawls.

BREAKING: Tourists in U.S. capital shocked as local youth perform so-called “wheelie” maneuvers popularized by thugs and gangsters.

In the interests of China, it’s a sacrifice we’re willing to have you make.

American friends, remember when you thought that your capitalists coming to China would teach us “freedom?” And instead they all learned how to be super comfortable with authoritarians? Good times!

In today’s China the elderly live in comfort and need not work in reviled, low-status jobs to support unproductive youth.

😘

OPINION: Nvidia must prove to China that there are no so-called “back doors” in its products. Or, in lieu of such proof, offer substantial discounts on its products and unlimited use of Jensen’s Ferrari 458 Italia next time we visit our nephews at Stanford. www.globaltimes.cn/page/202508/...

Excellent move, comrade! Why even have statistics if they don’t support Party ideology?

Our uncle in the coal business had a banquet hall in his villa in Taiyuan that looked just like this!

US NEWS: Adequacy of actress Sidney Sweeney’s jeans questioned.

Comrade Rubio, is there any spare room in CECOT? Asking for a friend.

National Radio and Television Administration: “Hot Girls of Capitalism” show unsuited for broadcast in China due to risks of spiritual pollution, smut.

POLITICS: U.S. Democrat party pledges to not get sand kicked in face at beach anymore.

OFFICIAL: Condolences offered upon death of U.S. Secretary of Commerce Hulk Hogan.

Excellent move. Strong and confident regimes have no need for so-called “comedy,” which serves only to undermine socialist spiritual civilization.

Comrade Xi Jinping not among signers of Jeffrey Epstein’s birthday book.

Asking China’s indigenously-innovated DeepSeek AI for a word for “Kremlinology” when everyone involved is stupid.

Honestly no idea why we even still have a sabotage budget. Americans will do it to themselves for free.

Admirable work, American friends. Only the strongest and most confident governments suppress criticism this comprehensively. www.washingtonpost.com/world/2025/0...

OPINION: A sad day for powerless, rubber-stamping apparatchiks everywhere.

Comrade Xi Jinping does not have a “branded fragrance.” However, if he did, it would subtle but unmistakable, warm but unyielding, evocative of a blossoming new era of socialism with Chinese characteristics, and confounding to anti-Party and reactionary elements. With a hint of sandalwood.

UNSIGNED EDITORIAL: Government Must Crack Down On Croissant Craze Gripping New York City’s Bakeries

Many people are “dunking” on comrade Chatterton Williams, but he lives in France so it’s 50/50 he helps lead a communist revolution somewhere in Asia in the next decade. We’re excited for his impending enlightenment.

US POLITICS: Big Balls purged.

We're sorry. We're unavailable to accept your plea at this time. If you're a fading imperialist power desperate for China to help clean up your mess, please press "1" and hold for the first available cadre. The current wait time is 1,307 days. www.cnbc.com/2025/06/22/u...