life is too sad

got some fucking awful information about my upcoming big surgery today and god its making me reconsider a lot of things feels absolutely shit p

keep getting sudden bursts of fear, absolute terror at this point its hard to tell if its the kids or if its just me slipping from the overwhelming everything just wishing everything would stop wishing someone was there and we werent alone i wish we could grow out of this feeling i hate it

having surgery in a few days even worse anxiety anticipating this one than the initial one its a repeat of I wouldn't have expected it but it's the way i already know how it's going to feel how awful i know the local is going to be and how deep it has to go and everything it has to go through

somehow I just saw my reflection and was surprised I was in a wheelchair idk how the hell that happened

another surgery in less than a week and somehow i had managed to go until now without thinking or stressing about it

need to figure out what to get gf for her birthday

i think one of the funniest things that will happen once i pass is my current partner and ex can say "bbno$ killed my wife" and it's technically sort of true

girlfriends mum got me pot for Christmas

tonight's the kind of night where my brain can tolerate some noise, finally music I just lay here in bed with my headphones and listen to everything i love, and find even more to add to my library one of my few fundamental interests this illness hasnt quite been able to fully take away from me

and i might be needing hospital for emergency surgery, we'll have to see about that. it's been 4 days without the bleed closing up so that's not great, just keeping an eye out for if it causes any other symptoms to indicate too much blood loss can never have a christmas go well can i

really unwell. not sure what to do. the people around me need help. but I can barely speak, I don't know how I could even help. I just know there isnt anyone else they have who can help. my heart is going out bad. I don't want them to be left without help

idk what the point is writing all this i guess to just get people to take covid seriously in terms of society wide mental impact, this has the potential to be far worse than lead poisoning was for those generations please, keep yourselves safe, get vaccinated, stop the spread, and protect others

I wish we had another chance even if not for me for my headmates they deserve better than this life they havent even been able to live most of it trapped away hiding from the pain I wish they could have been happy all of them

could I have found love without it being haunted by the trauma of witnessing our suffering giving PTSD to everyone around us as our body fails and they watch us suffer being able to fall in love without caveats, without warnings without constantly worrying about traumatising the ones i love most

could the kids have had a longer lasting safer space to process what happened to us to heal without whole new traumas and pain hitting them every time they come out. i wish they could have grown and healed and flourished now i cant even consider the possibility of them processing our death

would we have transitioned earlier, with less on our plate? would we have done more with it? phone calls every day and i have so little energy to speak it just leaves me with a raspy croak, misgendered no matter what bottom hasn't ever even been considered, too impossible and far away

Milo: thinking about an alternate life if we didnt get sick would we have had more time to exist or would we have gotten sick some different time we were probably doomed anyway, genetic factors combined with trauma but I'd like to hope in another life we could have had a life without illness

relevant i wish i could say it would get better and all go away some day

sitting here facing imminent mortality from myalgic encephalomyelitis knowing that if NDIS hadn't made it policy to dispute the now widely agreed upon underlying science of the condition I could have had years more it's too late for anything now #NEISvoid #pwME

while i was writing this I felt Amanda's presence in co con it's good to know that she's still around but she was very emotional it seemed really upsetting to her i wish i could make it easier, soften the blow not only being this sick, but she also lost her relationship during the breakup

was looking at some old photos of me, in 2022 before my big decline in 23 and 24 my face and emotions looked so different even though already sick there was some level of bliss and nativity you can visibly see how much changed for me after i lost everything my brain will never be the same again

started with a new therapist, and she's been really helpful and im really glad seems like she'll be able to help me deal with everything, even if it just focuses on my own headspace and coping, not as much my headmates helping me cope better day to day and reducing the stress on my loved ones

y'all i think i may be unwell

bleh just booked a surgery for a few weeks from now that I'm very much not looking forward to

it just happens i dont even think about it

ngl its super relieving to know my tcg brain is still there and working, especially given this deck allowed me to play it pretty hard using the odds to stack my deck and get what i need into and out of my hand, and stacking boosts and reductions in damage to perfectly knock out each Pokemon

i miss them a lot all my headmates, but especially the kids. they brought a lot of joy to our life I'd like to think our body was helped by not always being solemn and depressed like i tend to be these days having those breakthroughs of happiness with the kids, it means a lot

was messing around posing a new toy we got for a few moments i felt the kids being around made me happy to know they were there, seeing the happy stuff just to know they are ok it helps a lot

he's arrived genuinely a holy grail for me I've been looking for one of these for years now

unfortunate news for all of y'all I'm turning into a hopeless romantic again and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me like i genuinely spent what felt like an hour today with my girlfriend with me going on about how love feels and how special it is and all the fuzzies and everything

idk if I've spoken about this much, at least not on bsky after our Covid infection in 2023, it was noticed by my carers, family, friends and partner that we were struggling cognitively, more and more as months went by, and it scared the crap out of us. especially when we used to have a sharp mind

i love my best friend she's going through some intense stuff right now im just glad I have her and that we've been able to get so close despite how far away we are from each other but right now i have never been this scared for someone i love

so if you are worried this is about you, and im still talking with you occasionally, its not you. also weekly reminder y'all go to fucking therapy oh my god trust me itll all be worth it once you get a stable therapist you can see long term and support you through life's difficulties

and before people go worrying this is about them because let's be honest pretty much everyone around me is struggling with something of some kind, and im ok with having those people in my life the difference is willingness to improve and grow

bitches be having unmanaged mental illness and they are absolutely making it other people's problem

bleh when doing the testing the other day, there was a slip up that lead to one of my wounds being improperly dressed for a few hours did another dressing change today

bleh not doing well fucking meds turns out are important just till tomorrow night and I should be stablised again properly randomly started crying for 30s and then stopped sudden jabs of panic and fear

putting in here because idk its not gonna make sense to people who dont read my stuff in here or on my twt or speak with me occasionally the air ambulance has been confirmed for Monday, im going to be airlifted to a hospital about 300km from here

yall. follow my GF @flarebeams.bsky.social

she survived therapy and now needs an infinite amount of eepy

i wish i didnt have to fight for the most basic of things

this is my current mental state i hate meds if they are causing this

this is scaring me

something is feeling very wrong with my mental state

before and after my gf went after him lol

ew chaser replyguy in my mentions

got to go outside for a bit today was trying some power wheelchairs with my OT and the one we chose should allow us to go outside much more often and for a bit of scenery change without exhausting myself very excited for the programs paperwork and whatnot to be completed so we can get it soonish

might need to ask for crowdfunding help again the OT from the hospital has been trying to arrange a hospital bed to be put in my room to make it easier for my carers to help me but the only one that fits has a $500 gap I would need to try and cover myself

have been thinking about the mess of my sexuality a lot especially now im in an ace relationship and happy i think all the things i used to enjoy and crave around sex are exactly that, around sex, tangential not really necessary to do the less enjoyable bit just for the other bits