"Being told the kids have a cool uncle just because he rides a motorcycle. Big whoop. I had a scooter in college. I was trailblazing before any of them even knew how. I'm hip."

"Interdimensional shenanigans? What kind of yutz would do such a thing? Torch head. Torch head does such a thing."

"Oh, and he has two nieces and a nephew that are taking up my phone bill just to talk to him. I'm Spider-Man. Not Money-Man."

"Of all the things I can get mad at my cohort in webs at, it's not just he moved to San Francisco, something I'm trying really hard to forgive him for, it's that he hardly comes by to visit. The debt collectors keep confusing me for him when I'm the good looking one."

"It's like I'm always telling my kiddos: never trust the government."

"I don't do the whole team thing. You want the other Spider-Men."

"Having three and a half kids hasn't stopped me yet. Just know if I start sucking up to fun bags, I've been replaced with a lame imposter."

"I always admire how the papers catch my glamourous side. The by-line, I could do without though."

"The day I'm wrong about ol' gear head is the day I'm in a box, floating somewhere in the atlantic."

"Strange probably magiced it from some swiss bank account. Tony? Stark? Fun bags? I'm not going to hold my breath on that one. He'll probably buy the place and call that charity."

"We can't all be walking free healthcare like ol' Wolvie. Night Nurse'll need a raise after putting up with everyone's wonderful bedside manners."

"This is what I get for thinking I could tolerate Rhode Island. Not doing that ever again."

"Mayor who?! And I thought a bike lane scandal was all some of us had to worry about. How'd big ol' chuckles manage that? How's double D's blood pressure? Bet he no longer needs to wear them horns on account of how red his face must be."

"It's all fun and games with the newbies until one of them admits to putting ketchup on their hot dogs. You do that, I don't know you."

"There's that friendly nieghbor volcabulary I usually get as a surprise from a downtown cabbie. Appreciate the enthusiasm, pal."

"Taking the kiddo out for his first web slinging lessons. They grow up so fast. Stop that."

"I can already feel the headache I'll be having tomorrow."

"If anyone claims I'm in charge of some kinda team, I don't do the whole team thing. I don't even know half these people. Star-Lord? They're just naming anyone anything these days."

"Not many people can make both my skin crawl and my suit feel itchy but I think we found our winner."

"If we were to get technical, organic webbing is in fact real but my youngest kiddo calls them goop hands so goop hands is what they're known by."

"I really need some people to consider for a moment that if I see them in a dark, scary alleyway, cornering someone that I will just swing down and say hello with a knuckle, a foot or maybe even both while switching up the order sometimes. I like to keep things fresh like that."

"Everyday I'm reminded that Johnny has the chutzpah. Love that hot-headed fella."

"It's a bagel and cream cheese morning. No, nothing else goes on it. I already have to put up with tourists putting ketchup on their street meat. Show some class. You're in New York."

"Don't take me to do multiverse get togethers. Take Ben instead."

"If you aren't putting the crackers in it, I don't even want to look at you. You shift into soup mode or you don't. There are no half measures around these parts."

"I will never let Ben live down moving to San Francisco. I'm fighting every fibre of my being to not disown him."

"The sooner I get these papers graded, the sooner I can go home to my wife. I have simple needs."

"The only place worse than California is Rhode Island. We don't talk about Rhode Island."

"Well, it sure isn't California. No one should go to California. As for lunatics, looking and you'll be sure to find some. New York has it all. Even your own smog cloud to really get the lungs to collapse."

"The thing about having the house to myself in a long time is I don't have to hear anyone call me old over my music tastes. I'm not old. I'm hip."

"Benjy came home from school talking about 'hitting the griddy'. I want nothing more than to unlearn what I just heard."

"My youngest kiddo couldn't stop singing that song for weeks."

"I'll have to ask you not to come up with insults for New York. It may be soggy, full of real estate scams and the harbor is acidic but it's one of a kind. It's got flavor."

"In this economy?"

"A Spider-Man I may be but I'm also from New York. I know all about branding and lawyers."

"You dip in, try to relate and find out you gotta start suing for copyright infringement."

"Try spider sense. Lemme tell you, you gotta see, hear, smell and sense schlubs. Sometimes I wish a building would fall on me."

"I'm a pretty charitable fella. I hand out beatings to back alley thugs, free of charge. I like to pay it forward."

"The duality of life is opening the newspaper, seeing your kiddo being praised only for yours truly to be labeled a threat to society in the next paragraph. That haircut keeps cutting off circulation to Jameson's brain, I see."

"I had the exact same question when I first saw Fin Fang Foom. Turns out they weren't putting something in the water if you ignore the sewer rats."

"I was kidding about there being some kind of convention in town. Good to know gaudy looks isn't just exclusive to Rhode Island."

"... Is there some kind of convention going on? Last time I heard rhe word 'furry' The Grizzly was making downtown smell like a wet dumpster. As opposed to its usual dry dumpster fragrance. Really hurt New York's rep for ten years."

"Who dresses up as a giant weasel in this weather? Go away."

"School's doing some social media trend? Thanks, I hate it."

"Yeah, I hear desk jockeys gotta be squeaky clean. Someone give the Bugle editorial staff the memo."

"I don't know what beard era means. I just know MJ likes it and what the pretty lady likes, stays."

"Mornings in New York have so many great surprises. Bagels, coffee, street meet on every corner, a taxi almost running you over, smog giving you asthma by the age of six. What a town."

"Your friendly neighborhood... aw, forget it!" Peter Benjamin Parker The Amazing Spider-Man A mix of pre-OMD 616 and MC2 portrayal. Married to Mary Jane Watson-Parker, dad, teacher, dazzlin' web slinger. Writer is 30+ MDNI No ships, no lewd