Disney can never own Nintendo because the Magic Mushroom Kingdom would be too powerful

Girlpods are the greatest indicator of a thriving LGS ecosystem

Wait, what alibi could you possibly have to get out of being labeled ugly by a cheerleader girl band anyway?

We have Times Square at home

There’s a guy who screams at the top of his lungs often nearby one of the Starbucks locations I frequent, and he sounds exactly like the Omega Metroid screech from Metroid Fusion

“Tell my wife I love her… and tell your wife, ‘what’s up?’”

It’s an uphill battle, girlie - all downhill from here

So apparently noise canceling features on headphones are just your federal agent, listening in on you and making noises with their mouth

“Thick thighs save lives.” -national motto of cannibal Island

Walking by an open, empty cardboard box with “if useful, take them” is the first time I’ve genuinely had a “what’s in the box???” moment

“Starbucks isn’t a coffee shop, it’s a shake shop!” No, it’s a premium public restroom that provides coffee and shakes

Just like koalas need their eucalyptus leaves, Michelin critics need foam, centrifuges, and the phrase “gastronomy” to recognize their meal as food

I love reading on the beach

Release scheduled for 5/19, therefore this bookstore is simply in the future

Crayola gets creative with its color names! Today we are naming shades of white! Try our ultra-white: “Polar Bears Fucking in a Blizzard!” Need even whiter? Try: “The Rich Person’s House Who Asks You to Take Your Shoes Off!” Still not white enough? Try: “Demographic Breakdown of Nextdoor!”

Demon: Dr. Faustus, you will be granted power, but it comes at a price. You will be forever cursed! Faustus: Noooo! Demon: From now on, every time you take a bite out of a sandwich, the insides will slide out the back of it! FWAHAHAHAH!!! Faustus: Oh, that's ok. I already eat at Jimmy John's.

As children, our vernacular is an amalgamation of our parents. As adults, it comes from our exes

The two people in front of me in line: "Haha so what's the deal with airline food?" "Lol l hope nobody realizes we are made up so that Bugsy can get attention and solicit likes on BlueSky." "I know haha."

I want whatever pillow Netanyahu has. If that man can still sleep at night, that thing must be amazing

“Time and experience” are just “death and taxes” for optimists

Ed, Edd, & Eddy is just Always Sunny for kids

How do you date a guy with a small peen? Cut it off and count the rings 🌳

The top Grok question after billionaires end humanity and come out of their bunkers will be “why am I still unhappy?”

FBI is totally going to false flag attack us, but knowing how competent Kash is, it’ll be a commercial camera drone flying into the Ritz-Carlton abcnews.com/amp/US/fbi-w...

Bachelor #1, if I was an adult film star, would you pay for it or just watch it on a free secondhand site?

Sentenced to Be a Hero casually drops “Demon Blight #59” as though it’s not clearly a perfume

Hell is other people, which is why I’m glad I’m going there

Dr. Seuss’s *The Bimbo in the Window*

HRT

“Doomscrolling in the Park” would be a solid band name

I feel like anyone who tries to say that your house cat suddenly being larger would make it eat you haven’t interacted with many cheetahs

Happy 2026

the kind of girl where you look up her wikifeet and it’s a picture of her face

Ned’s Declassified Epstein Survival Guide

If you lose something and go looking for it, you will inevitably wind up finding a different thing you previously lost instead. This is alchemy’s first law of equivalent exchange.

Bugs Bunny: the original Socrates

The far future… “Hey, what do you do for work?” “Oh, I just man the gatling gun on a space ship.” “Oh, fair. Let me guess… McDonald’s?”

No, autocorrect, I don’t know a “Carrie” at all. I’m not trying to type “Carrie’s” whenever I type “carries.” Thank you

“But chief, why is our town built surrounded by a bunch of places with high-level enemies?” “Because if a hero goes on an epic adventure, we want to be their last stop since it’s good tourism revenue.”

You don’t likely remember your first words, and you certainly won’t remember your last

“You’re so sweet to me, what the hell?” is my new favorite thing said to me by a drive-thru cashier

“Hey girl, wanna cyber?” Sam Elliot AI-generated voice: “The CyberTruck - made by incels, for incels.”

Space would be pretty fucking beautiful if it was well-lit

What do you think is more dry: Ben Shapiro’s wife, or Erika Kirk’s handkerchief?

I’m trying to make AI algorithms imitate the human mind, we’ve instead turned the human mind on a sociological level into an algorithm

Why hasn’t AI been used to make something useful like a prostate milking farm commercial?

Even if Trump’s mouth wasn’t that great, I bet Clinton didn’t last longer than a stick of Fruit Stripe gum

Dogball: A True Underdodge Story

Carjacking in LA? Why would you want to pay more parking fees like that?

I’ve always followed the rule of never breaking two laws at the same time, so I just keep a body in my trunk and that helps me obey the speed limit