I want whatever pillow Netanyahu has. If that man can still sleep at night, that thing must be amazing

“Time and experience” are just “death and taxes” for optimists

Ed, Edd, & Eddy is just Always Sunny for kids

How do you date a guy with a small peen? Cut it off and count the rings 🌳

The top Grok question after billionaires end humanity and come out of their bunkers will be “why am I still unhappy?”

FBI is totally going to false flag attack us, but knowing how competent Kash is, it’ll be a commercial camera drone flying into the Ritz-Carlton abcnews.com/amp/US/fbi-w...

Bachelor #1, if I was an adult film star, would you pay for it or just watch it on a free secondhand site?

Sentenced to Be a Hero casually drops “Demon Blight #59” as though it’s not clearly a perfume

Hell is other people, which is why I’m glad I’m going there

Dr. Seuss’s *The Bimbo in the Window*

HRT

“Doomscrolling in the Park” would be a solid band name

I feel like anyone who tries to say that your house cat suddenly being larger would make it eat you haven’t interacted with many cheetahs

Happy 2026

the kind of girl where you look up her wikifeet and it’s a picture of her face

Ned’s Declassified Epstein Survival Guide

If you lose something and go looking for it, you will inevitably wind up finding a different thing you previously lost instead. This is alchemy’s first law of equivalent exchange.

Bugs Bunny: the original Socrates

The far future… “Hey, what do you do for work?” “Oh, I just man the gatling gun on a space ship.” “Oh, fair. Let me guess… McDonald’s?”

No, autocorrect, I don’t know a “Carrie” at all. I’m not trying to type “Carrie’s” whenever I type “carries.” Thank you

“But chief, why is our town built surrounded by a bunch of places with high-level enemies?” “Because if a hero goes on an epic adventure, we want to be their last stop since it’s good tourism revenue.”

You don’t likely remember your first words, and you certainly won’t remember your last

“You’re so sweet to me, what the hell?” is my new favorite thing said to me by a drive-thru cashier

“Hey girl, wanna cyber?” Sam Elliot AI-generated voice: “The CyberTruck - made by incels, for incels.”

Space would be pretty fucking beautiful if it was well-lit

What do you think is more dry: Ben Shapiro’s wife, or Erika Kirk’s handkerchief?

I’m trying to make AI algorithms imitate the human mind, we’ve instead turned the human mind on a sociological level into an algorithm

Why hasn’t AI been used to make something useful like a prostate milking farm commercial?

Even if Trump’s mouth wasn’t that great, I bet Clinton didn’t last longer than a stick of Fruit Stripe gum

Dogball: A True Underdodge Story

Carjacking in LA? Why would you want to pay more parking fees like that?

I’ve always followed the rule of never breaking two laws at the same time, so I just keep a body in my trunk and that helps me obey the speed limit

Anyone who is non-binary and dating someone else who isn’t the same flavor of NB is automatically in a straight relationship because you’re each different genders. I don’t make the rules, but if I did, they would be the same.

We should give separate ratings for “snipe chips” (chips you just grab one of occasionally as you pass by the bag) and “binge chips” (chips that get more addictive as you eat them).

George Lucas, Sasha Gray, and Gaspar Noe are all masters of the Anticlimax

The way to a woman’s heart is through her prostate. If you think, “wait, I’m not sure you have that anatomy correct,” then you just haven’t been looking hard enough.

It’s too bad that gay people don’t exist irl. I love them as a concept in media so much

Clearly America just needs to continue its trend of adding a letter to the name of activists who make massive progress for a marginalized group. MLK, followed by Milk - for trans liberation, we need to rally behind someone named Milky

It’s wild to me how so many people think that marginalized groups get propagandized by media targeted toward them rather than that media being intensely relatable to us and the feelings and experiences we go through from upbringing to adult life.

Goblincore is just lagenlook with fewer steps

At least *Weapons* finally gave us Thanos vs Wong

Why does it feel like human history has always been a simple scale weighing white feelings vs marginalized lives

I bet the lady from The Ring tried “one week” at one point but couldn’t stand her victims singing the song back at her

Gah I’ve been so death-obsessed since childhood. I swear, if I die and someone puts a scythe in my hands and says “here kid, it sounds like you really would be happy doing this job,” I wouldn’t at alllllll be surprised

“I’m worried that you’ll meet men online who just want to kill trans women; you should try going to church and dating them that way” is the newest wild take from my dad lol

We did it, everyone. We found him

I really wonder what is going through Mrs. Kirk’s mind as she watches all of her conservative friends and leaders abandon their care for the murder of her husband since it was done by one of their own

Had a dream that I had a tool to summon the weirdest things from alternative realities and timeline to help me solve problems or get out of situations and now I’m sad I don’t have it anymore :(

I think we can all agree that it would really suck to have our last words be “oh, fuck,” “watch out,” or “gang violence.”

Had a horrifying dream that one of the bodies I normally keep in my attic was actually a lich :(