Some people don’t understand how jokes are supposed to work. My vet called today with the results of my dog’s bloodwork. She said, “Everything looks great.” I said, “Good to know.” Then she said, “April Fools,” and delivered the bad news.

My dog has very American eating habits. When I give him a treat, he takes it straight to his bed and snacks on it while watching reruns of Forensic Files.

A gentleman with dirty feet and no shoes yelled up at me from his seat on the curb, “Buy me a pack of cigarettes!” “Sorry, Man. I don’t carry my wallet when I walk the dog,” I said. “Fuck you. And your Louis Vuitton dog!” (I’d never considered that about my dog’s color scheme)

People in Los Angeles take Adderall to help them stay focused while they meditate.

Just took my pup to “Doggy Disneyland.” Which was incredible. Until the fireworks.

THEM: How do you get your dog so soft? ME: I put him in the dryer.

TRAGEDY is when you get depressed because you stepped in dog shit. COMEDY is when you've been depressed for 3 decades and then you step in dog shit.

*dog brings me ball* *I throw ball* *dog looks at me, offended, like, "That was a GIFT, you asshole"*

When someone is describing their dog's entire life story, is it rude to collapse from boredom? Like right in front of them? What if I'm at a dog park?

I wrote a movie about a Latino man who enters an Alaskan sled dog race. And it's called: Snow Way Jose. But, don't worry, I'm gonna kill myself.

A few seconds before 9:00am, my dog lifted his leg at the corner of someone's lawn. At exactly 9:00am, the automatic watering system kicked on. A sprinkler head popped up at the exact spot my dog was trying to mark. Today is the day the grass peed back.

When my dog first meets another long-time neighborhood dog: "So good to finally meet you— I've been sniffing your piss for years!"

I'm a dog dad for the same reason many men are fathers: Because my wife decided to keep it.

Have you ever seen people argue on the internet? I feel like I’m watching something very similar: My dog… barking at his own rancid fart.

When my dog was a puppy, I'd disappear around a corner and he would run to find me. Now I disappear around a corner and he immediately does some bullshit he knows he shouldn't be doing.

I like the idea of intruders being scared away when they hear my dog. But, I hate walking the dog. So, I think I’m just going to get a parrot and teach it to bark.

I’ve never had a sense of smell. But, I still have a trick to find out if my breath stinks: I exhale real close to my dog’s nose and, if he gets an excited look on his face, then I know my mouth smells like an asshole.

My dog only needs to go out two times per day: (1) When I’m busy and (2) when I’m exhausted.