My love language is physical media collection

Well, yes

My biological cock is dicking

For sale: baby shoes, not cuntyenough 💔

How does ANYONE date in their 30’s? Guy just left my apartment and blocked my number and all I did was say “wanna see me make a mountain out of a mole hill” n pulled down my cargo shorts to show him these. Srsly frick my life!

The exact personality types in a group of three seasonal new hires

On the no fly list because I have a lithium ion social battery 💔

Wait if ai cures cancer what will all those aborted doctors do 💔

I’m just not seeing his appeal

Getting increasingly difficult to breast boobily under these conditions

We, as gay people, get to have only watched this scene of Dude Where’s My Car

Honeycrisp Apples and Sumo Oranges are locked in and I am so fucking ready for the next A Perfect Fruit to hit the stores.

The sequel to American Psycho should be Christian Bale's character realizing he's kinda normal compared to this guy

just googled “closest sperm bank” and your address came up

“Omfg this guy is SENDING me” - an envelope

You’re tellin me a side made this dish?

Me in an elevator right before saying “can I say hi?” to a dogs owner

My type? Temporary, it would seem.

Spinal Surgery Clinic called “We Are Sew Back”

The following hole has been modified from its original version. It has been formatted to fit this peen.

dude stop kissing the back of my neck? when I said “let’s go back to my place and feed my Grundo and Krawk” it wasn’t code

Girls will be like “hi I’m Katie” and like ok so you have a LinkedIn.

I think Chudai would be a beautiful name for a girl

“Permission to approach the bench?” - me, to a squirrel at the park

Oh so they’re leaning in

What timeframes do y’all recommend for intermittent fisting?

Hey LOSER, nice outfit! 2089 called and there was no one on the other end... The only sound I could make out was the labored breaths of some preternatural creature

Alien, laughing: lmao so these- Me: are hundreds of memes about what this exact conversation would be about, yes lmao

If you campaigned for the presidency on a promise to destroy these assholes, you would win a landslide the size of FDR in 1936, when he campaigned on a promise to destroy these assholes.

“In my clop era.” -me, as a failed horse

In 2010 I downloaded Netflix on my Wii and watched a one season anime called Gilgamesh and since then I have not met a single other person who has seen it and all I want to do is talk to someone about how mad the ending made me.

Has anyone thought of making protein chicken

I guess I have to be the brave one and say it: I hate having captions on tv and movies because they’re nonstop spoilers.

(Mew)Two factor authentication

some of the people with the biggest hearts have the smallest bladders 🙏🏻

“It’s not the guns, it’s the- oh wait no THIS time it is the gun. No fr this gun was poorly made we should blame the gunmaker like?!!!”

I cannot fathom how big of a pathetic loser you would have to be to even consider applying to work for ICE. Profoundly ugly shit-stains in human bodies 💕

Send it redacted as heavily as the Epstein files were

Sorry but it’s true

I think about this time traveler photo pretty regularly

Lmao key word “domestically” and also not considering the actual profit to budget 🙄

More like Five Bites at Breadies

This makes me feel more patriotic than the national anthem ever could

Red flag entomologists always saying “where’s my bug at” 😣

I’ll give him a taste of his own medicine! (It’s his prescription, he needs it and I love him.)

“Maybe it’s just a phase?” “Yes, exactly.” - Kitty Pryde to her parents the first time she walked through a wall

Brands, if they listened to consumers:

This is part of my two-factor identification