Like I know it’s just a phrase but I think it would be weirder to toot someone else’s horn

ISO AN ORGAN DONOR (not for medical reasons I just wanna hold one)

While I was out at lunch my boss apparently needed me to reset her iPad

I’m sure there’s been a time when my “heart skipped a beat” but not nearly as many times as my brain skipped a think.

DINOSAUR FACT: research has shown that there are no species of prehistoric dinosaurs that considered themselves “Swifties” due to the fact that they went extinct roughly 65 millions years before her first album was released.

Are you saying my masseuse is lying to me

Kind of obsessed with how every gay local news meteorologist I’ve met has been a huge slut

He hates doing squats call him glute intolerant.

Wait their mom is wasting an opportunity to start a solo music career with a debut album called The Jonas Mother

Today, the UN officially designated Israel’s assault on Gaza as a genocide. As a party to the Genocide Convention, the U.S. has a legal obligation to obey our own laws, stop weapons sales to Israel, and demand a permanent ceasefire. End the genocide. Ceasefire now.

Side hustle where I feel the rain on my skin for you. I can actually feel it for you. I can also let it in.

you’ve improved so much- I’m so appointed in you, diva 😍

For everyone talking about Charlie Kirk’s political stances PLEASE AT LEAST REMEMBER: you need to be saying it all in the past tense now. 🥰

It must be so satisfying to have a last name that starts with W and put “dubz” in a username. Fuck that must feel great.

“Ok but this is so you vibes!!” and it’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever seen. (they’re correct)

Btw I don’t think people realize she only started making music as a side hustle. “Sabrina Carpenter” was a nickname because she builds houses full-time.

Mars trying to act like her gbf in front of Vulcan:

Do straight men know we can tell they’re trying to walk slowly to look aloof at the gym? Diva, just get there it’s ok.

Deleted all the apps again. -me telling my friends I ate all the calamari ordered for the table while they were in the restroom

Somewhere, some conservative CEO’s nephew is sweating BULLETS, frantically asking ChatGPT and Grok how to make a realistic deepfake video because he lied on his intern application about being an expert in AI.

I’ll always be appreciative of Lana De Rey because there isn’t any other music I’d want to play during viral videos of disheveled looking pets

it’s weird that they chose such a pale cover up for his hand. My guess is he wouldn’t stop licking the original shade because he thought it was peanut butter.

Life must be so hard rn for a strictly monogamous lesbian couple who were both named Polly and loved to, as a bit, introduce themselves by saying “hi we’re Polly” 😔

What if downdetector.com went down. WHAT WOULD WE DO

We need a Twilight stage musical but like the Mary Martin Peter Pan so it’s always an adult woman with a pixie cut playing Edward.

Got a Dutch Oven at an estate sale for $12 yesterday. Looked it up and it’s worth $270. 😮‍💨

You’re making me, a teenaged DigiDestined in his 30s, go to work?

I have to apologize. Some years back I found two male frogs and tried making them kiss. At the time I was really into wearing a straw hat and overalls that were too small so my friends had been calling me ‘Big Farma’ and that might be where RFK got confused.

Perfect time to run for congress.

iykyk

Red Hulk better NOT! This is a movie theater.

Chappell Drone :(

have to apologize yall I thought “fasting” was just eating your food as quickly as possible. turns out I’ve never really done it

Ppl who’s last name is Smith: when will one of you be brave enough to name your kid Word.

Vapes that play a little song when you take a hit: Juul Tones.

The pendulum really swung from Brat Summer to a Jet2 Holiday in one year

If I send you this picture it means I’m about to disclose something that might discourage you from ever being curious about my life again

Hi Carmen Sandiego, I hope the email finds you.

Like I know she’s moved on to other ventures but it IS ironic that one of Rihanna’s hits is called “Don’t Stop the Music”

“There were nights of endless pleasure” is actually such a scary lyric if Celine Dion was talking about 8 hour long tickle fights

This is the most June-ass July I’ve ever lived

About to go overseasssss does anyone know how to jailbreak an elf bar

Surely something beats a Jet2 holiday

What aren’t you getting here? Pennywise can only get off when you’re making eye-contact so it WAS a full sentence when I said “Its come to my attention.”

Which couple u think America Ferrera will pick to win Love Island? kinda wild she has the final say!

So like none of those droids knew CPR huh

I’m kind of like if Pitbull went by “Mr. Citywide” instead.

what did the catholic school expect when the offered Popular Gay Music as a subject

One of my testicles is enormous and the other one looks tiny by comparison so they both feel isolated. The loneliness epididymitis strikes again 😔