Wow

M M - Men Masturbating flip it around and? Women Wankinggggg

You’re mean to tell me a broad came up with this scheme?

HEY- take a hike, pal! I’LL come with you! let’s experience the splendor of nature together! yay!!!!!

Wow, LinkedIn Wrapped! What a cool insight about my LinkedIn usage times 🫩

great

Omg do y’all remember Charlie Puth

Picked on a zit on my neck so bad that a friend went “OooOoOOohh” when they were walking up to me because at a distance they thought it was a hickey btw 😌

One commonly overlooked detail about the USA show Monk was that Adrian Monk never once displayed Pyrokinetic abilities. Meaning he either never had them to begin with, or, and even more intriguing, he did, and was always making a conscious decision not to.

“Omg I love your live stream” - me, watching him pee

Get me to God’s country

Mfs say they’re straight n their fave movies all “came out” 🤣🤣🤣

If it’s February 14th and you don’t give me a bottle of this? We’re OVER

Every apartment complex should have one unit with no furniture that’s just for playing with ur friends

Have you considered the elephant maybe went into that room for a little fucking privacy

If a major film studio produced a porn do you think they’d still add in the Wilhelm Scream during the climax

Is the umami flavor in the gasoline smell me tasting a dinosaur

Obviously there is a huge population of the country who have a “hero worship” mentality for a known islamophobe and antisemite. Personally, I don’t think there’s enough pressure on his wife, Mrs. Claus. In this essay-

Forget about a directors cut, I want a Kiss Cut. filmmakers should know that anytime two men get close to each other’s faces, someone in the audience yells, “kiss!” I propose that every major film, moving forward, shoots an extra take with a lil gay smooch. We’re talking billions here, fellas.

Me and my two best friends if the strength of our bonds were stored in our breasts

…I’m listening 🤔

What if we kissed… under the missile toe 👉🏻👈🏻

Too horny for that ball to keep being in my court 😮‍💨

Very evil vibes in the Fred Meyer I’m buying a rack of Coke Zero in rn

Like it’s bad enough that the playlist I use to lock in at work dominated my Apple Music Year-end review- but I didn’t even break Glenn’s top 100 listeners? 😠

Every Monday is cyber Monday when you have my screentime average

How has no gay porn studio done a movie theater scene with an opening shot of a famous drag queen on the screen in a grey pant suit saying, “We come in this place”

Mom and sister were on their way to pick me up for dinner. Asked for ETA and my mom responded with voice to text in the car

****WICKED FOR GOOD SPOILER**** she’s gonna get yeast infections forever now? :(

You don’t see French people wearing berets anymore did we bully them about it too much :(

K prolly gonna delete costar again because what the hell

I come from a long line of aura farmers

people better STOP being hot in other cities 😤

Today, we’re all slices of pizza 🗽

I’m the twin on the left

If your daughter goes by Katie you might as well set her up on LinkedIn now

Not to b**mer out but if there is a non-urgent fix needed on facilities at a gym- don’t work on it during the morning or evening rush?? You can fix that blemish on the sauna door between 9:30-11:00 or 2:00-4:00. At LEAST put a “sauna closed” sign at the front desk. Some of us have routines 😩

Ngl my digital foot been cramping up recently

Your honor, the defense moves to enter mean girls, bring it on, legally blonde, drop dead gorgeous, and select episodes of 30 Rock into evidence so the jury understands the references I’ll be making in my closing statement.

Like I know it’s just a phrase but I think it would be weirder to toot someone else’s horn

ISO AN ORGAN DONOR (not for medical reasons I just wanna hold one)

While I was out at lunch my boss apparently needed me to reset her iPad

I’m sure there’s been a time when my “heart skipped a beat” but not nearly as many times as my brain skipped a think.

DINOSAUR FACT: research has shown that there are no species of prehistoric dinosaurs that considered themselves “Swifties” due to the fact that they went extinct roughly 65 millions years before her first album was released.

Are you saying my masseuse is lying to me

Kind of obsessed with how every gay local news meteorologist I’ve met has been a huge slut

He hates doing squats call him glute intolerant.

Wait their mom is wasting an opportunity to start a solo music career with a debut album called The Jonas Mother

Today, the UN officially designated Israel’s assault on Gaza as a genocide. As a party to the Genocide Convention, the U.S. has a legal obligation to obey our own laws, stop weapons sales to Israel, and demand a permanent ceasefire. End the genocide. Ceasefire now.