I have an outdoor job and it’s going to he 95 everyday this week. I just wanted to say that.

My favorite things to call full grown straight cis men: Diva Girlie Superstar Little champion Slugger Cowboy

The owner of the company I work for is 96. He’s asked one of my coworkers “what should I do?” 4 times in the last 10 minutes and I wish her answer was “go home.” Because there is nothing for a 96 year old man to do at work.

Is anyone else just letting their phone ring because they like their ringtone so much?

You know that one Ariana Grande song that goes: DontwannawaitonittonightIwannagetnastyyyyyyy

Randi Savage is 10 today! It’s a big ol age for a big dog with a heart murmur. She had steak cooked in bacon fat for her birthday meal.

Straight men on dating apps be like:

A full year of having my very own home office and all I do is come in here and spill all over the place.

“Just so you know, I’d never do that to you” - someone who is about to do that to you

Wish ya'll could have seen the athleticism I displayed when I climbed through one of my windows after locking keys in the house this morning.

Inviting straight men over to my house just so I can make fun of them the entire time that they are there.

Oh no! My elderly neighbors saw my tits again!

Hands down my favorite sticker of all time by serendipity.draws

Saying “it’s an inside joke”, but no one else is in on it other than you.

Been putting hoodies on backwards by accident a lot lately.

Still haven't gotten that edit button yet huh..

What vibe am I giving when my go-to greeting on dating apps is "wussup big dog?"

Medicated bath for the itchy gal

Stinky’s angels

Skor is the Seagram’s of english toffee.

I've been April foolin' myself all year.

It’s the moment I’ve been looking forward to all winter. The eagerness to enjoy having all my windows open so I can listen to my neighbor run a gas powered hedge trimmer for an hour and a half straight.

I 100% endorse the Serta memory foam cooling pillows. That pillow case slips down in the middle of the night and it’s almost shocking how cold they are.

Shooting (photographing) a youth dance competition today. I got a round of applause from the audience and I also had a mom say the pictures of her kid are “awful this year”. So my ego is pretty balanced today.

Calling people. Making them call you back. Then answering by saying “What?”

I think I deserve recognition by my place of work for how quickly I respond to emails 🏆

When did Bluesky add a drafts section?! FINALLY! Now how about that edit button...

So it’s come to this…

One time, I was at a fancy suburban white people party, and a lady wasn't having the music, so she kept asking the DJ to play something more fun "like Morrissey".

What does it mean when the website you pay your student loans to doesn't exist anymore?

Struggling through this month in a mentally exhausting way, so I treated myself to a local bakery stop and they had kolaczki! #treatcheck

I misplaced my horse flute in Stardew and this is the last thing I need right now.

Been too depressed (polite) to be funny on the internet… but I went to the gym today and did an hour on the elliptical and decided, if anything, I’m going to slide out of this year with a sweet wagon.

Crying in line at the pharmacy while waiting to pick up your mood stabilizers is a vibe.

Getting old is not knowing whether it’s leftover hair dye or a vein that you’re seeing in the middle of your forehead

This year was the first time I spent a holiday completely alone. Wednesday, I went to my favorite arcade for about 5 hours then brought some chinese food home and played more video games. Yesterday I ate leftover Chinese food and played more video games. Anyway, here’s the gift that my parents sent

Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates!! Been off socials so everyone is getting 12+ hour late likes tomorrow!

“My house is on Pretty Girl Avenue” is lyric of the year, as far as I’m concerned.

Wondering what kind of fall out there would be if I said "I don't like Jesus" to my super religious co-worker.

Resisting the urge to respond to every email with "You got it, Diva!"

There will never be another Matt Stone or Trey Parker. Regardless of your feelings on South Park, they got paid $1.5 billion by paramount to write 2 seasons about Trump getting Satan pregnant. If you don’t think that’s punk rock-you dont understand punk rock at all.

Oh.

Thinking I’d ever have an entire bed to myself was such wishful thinking

We’re all good over here. Her right upper canine tooth had to be removed. They gave me the tooth.. it was… LONG (and gruesome). She’s been a trooper.

I’ve shoveled my long dumb driveway 3 times today. I’ve lost my lust for life.

We’re here. We’re long. We’re off till’ Monday

What the fuck is Wicked?

Ive never been punched in the face but i did just get head butted by my big ass head havin’ dog and it folded me in half. Straight to the ground with me.

Joe is never going to recover from this one