So, have they stopped eating the dogs and eating the cats? I’m curious if all this ICE action has resulted in a cat and dog population boom.

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high. Me: I have 4 kids. Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.

Jeff Bezos’s wedding cost $50 million. In related news I wash plastic forks so I can reuse them.

Me [whispering]: It's my wife's birthday so I was wondering if the staff could sing Happy Birthday to her? McDonald's Cashier:

Daughter is texting me to complain about how hot her classroom is so it's a good thing I can control the high school's air conditioning from my iPhone.

Wanna feel old? One year ago, Jon Bon Jovi was on the cover of AARP Magazine.

Trump and Elon divorce stuck on who gets legal custody of this photo.

I feel like I’ve stumbled upon Duolingo After Dark.

My son starts his first full-time job on Monday and I’m not looking forward to watching the light go out in his eyes.

I’ve reached that age where birds get mad at me for waking them up.

Just when you think all the Trump taco talk ended with the Stormy Daniels situation.

Me: These are getting a bit snug, can you take the waist out a few inches? Tailor: These are sweatpants.

Quite possibly the greatest playlist title of all time.

Me: [trying to fall sleep] My Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

My wife’s desire to sleep in on weekends and my seasonal allergies are in a constant battle with each other.

AI but for my television so it knows to mute or change the channel whenever Trump appears on screen.

Ate a lot of vegetables last week to make room in the drawer for this weekend's beer.

Son's College: Consider giving a gift to the Alumni Association! Me: [sends them back his $34,000 tuition bill with a bow on it]

Not sure Home Depot thought through the tagline of their app.

Me: Finally we can enjoy some nice weather. Seasonal allergies: hey wassup

Me: I don’t think I could hate watching the news more. The news:

Laptop: Change your password Me: [changes password] Laptop: Your password is too short Me: [changes] Laptop: Your password is too long Me: [changes] Laptop: Your password needs a number Me: [changes] Laptop: Your password must be uncrackable by the Enigma Machine Me: [quits job]

Don’t forget to continually remind your children not to piss mom off today.

I didn’t plan on eating at midnight, but the wife and I didn’t start discussing what to do for dinner until 5 PM.

First American-born Pope debuts BBQ, Salt and Vinegar, and Flaming Hot flavors of Eucharist.

News: Massachusetts Attorney General is suing CVS. The complaint is outlined on only a single page, but it’s 6 miles long and has some coupons at the very end.

Me: Wow, honey. Great job on dinner. Wife: You like it? Me: Yeah it actually tastes good. Wife: Me: Gooder. Wife. Me: Gooder than its usual goodness. Wife: Me: I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.

If I was a cardinal at the Vatican, I’d be the one always writing in Bart Simpson as a write-in candidate on the Pope ballot.

My favorite thing about jet lag is falling asleep during dinner and waking up in time to catch The Late Show.

Life is all about balance, which is why after a week in Greece eating the freshest vegetables, tastiest dishes, and most flavorful foods, our first stop for dinner after landing in the US was at a Popeyes Chicken.

Me: What is the opposite of Right Whale Day? Is it Wrong Whale Day or Left Whale Day? Wife: Do you ever shut off?

JD Vance shown holding the original 15 Commandments.

News: Food dyes to be removed from US food supply. Related: Skittles, Froot Loops and Fruity Pebbles are now official sponsors of the “50 Shades of Grey” series.

Me [packing for Greece]: How many Tupperware containers should I pack for bringing home feta cheese? Wife: I’m going alone.

Maybe Melania should turn her anti-bullying campaign's focus towards what her husband is doing to Powell.

Now I’m at the Greek lesson where we talk about bartenders.

98% of the week leading up to vacation is spent looking at pictures of other people there right now to see what they’re wearing so I know how to pack.

It is so windy this Easter that if Jesus had risen today, he would’ve landed three towns over.

I'm sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

Child: What’s Greek Easter? Me: It’s when the Easter Bunny hides baklava all over the house. Child: Me: Child: I’ll ask mom.

I legit thought that was Walton Goggins on the right.

With prices the way they are, we have decided to forgo the traditional Easter egg hunt, and will now be hunting for something slightly less expensive: gold bars.

Wife: What should I crochet next? Me: Oooh make one of the dragons from Game of Thrones. Wife:

Hostess: Party of two? Me: Yes, but we need a table for six. Hostess: Oh, expecting more people? Me: No, I’m ordering fajitas tonight.

Now I’m on The Handmaid’s Tale episode where the Commander repeatedly institutes and then scales back tariffs to manipulate the stock market.

Wife: You seem a little stressed. Me:

Child: What's that? Me: My high school senior photo. Child: Wow. You were pretty good looking. Me: Thanks. Child: Me: Child: What happened?

Now I’m at the Greek lesson where we discuss how I handle stress.

If there was an Executive Order to outlaw waking up before the alarm I would have been deported by now.