Voting Booths Add DNA Tests to Ensure All Voters Are At Least ¾ White And ¼ Bald Eagle

Interviewed NASCAR Attendees Say They Don’t Really Like Other Races

ICE Agent Deeply Remorseful After Accidentally Shooting Armed Hostile

“I’m Just Glad Our Government Isn’t That Oppressive” Says Iranian Citizen

Secretary of Health RFK Jr. Brags He Can Tell What Illness Someone Has Just by Reading Their Autopsy Report

US Government Rounds Up All the Journalists to Make Sure the Bad Guys Can’t Get to Them

Stranger Things Finale Reveals the Real Strange Things Were the Friends We Made Along the Way

Greenland Acts Like Our Ally and That’s What Makes Them Dangerous

Congress to Weigh in on the Ethics of Invading our Own Ally

Trump Excited to Meet All the Hobbits in Greenland

Person With No Grasp on Reality Very Optimistic About the Future

Trump Pardons the Grinch for Stealing Christmas Saying It Was All Just a Big Misunderstanding

Netflix Acquires WB Games, Becoming the Second Most Used N-Word by Gamers

Trump Receives Nobel’s Coveted “Participation” Trophy

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene Resigns After Realizing She’s a Majorie Failure

New Twitter Location Label Reveals Many Users Posting in a State of Delusion

Trump Copies Putin’s Peace Plan Homework but Forgets to Change the Name

Average Reading Grade Level of Gen Z is Also 6-7

Tomahawk Missile Obliterates Bathtub Toy Boat Over Drug Trafficking Suspicions

Therapist Dying to Tell You to Get a Better Haircut

ICE Agents Last Seen Pursuing Princess Leia and the Death Star Plans

Stranger Things Season 5 Dangerously Close to Making Will an Interesting Character

People Complaining About Air Traffic Cuts Should Just Suck It Up and Use Their Private Jets Like the Rest of Us

Kanye Hires Private Investigator to Find the Marbles He Lost

Instead of the Politically Incorrect “Happy Thanksgiving!” Say “Gobble Gobble! Go Choke on a Mashed Potato!”

Most of US Government Budget Spent Treating Hand Cramps from Constantly Rewriting History

After Madagascar Military Coup, When Asked When Public Elections Will Be, Military Simply Says, “I Like to Move It, Move It”

Local Police Force Loses Baking Competition Yet Again Due to a Few Bad Apples

Guys, I’m Starting to Think Some Rich People Aren’t That Great

Researchers Discover That All Food is Grab & Go If You Dine and Dash

Livestreamed Childbirth Closest Anyone on Twitch Has Come to Actual Labor

Madagascar Protests Interrupted by Four Penguins

For The Last Time, There’s No Such Thing as an Epstein File Reveal Cake, Please Stop Calling

Man on Deathbed’s Only Regret is Not Doing More for the Shareholders

Robot Replace Me? I’d Like to See a Robot Show Up Two Hours Late and Do a Mediocre Job

Heat Death of the Universe Delayed So the Devs Have a Bit More Time to Polish It

Peruvian Citizens Starting to Question Political System of Exclusively Having Bribery Focused Presidents

Madagascar Military Also Overthrows Table After Losing at Scrabble

Vietnam Invades America to Prevent Further Spread of Capitalism

NPC Cat Hopes Druid Runs Out of Spell Slots for Speak with Animals Soon

This One Trick Feels Illegal and That’s Because It Is, Click to Learn More

For the Last Time Sir, We Don’t Have Any RFK Jr. Masks at This or Any Spirit Halloween, Please Stop Calling

“What Is Everyone So Mad About?” Says Man Who Hasn’t Checked the News in a Year and is Also the President

Economist Explains to AC/DC What You Do for Money

“I’ll Renovate a Hundred Rooms Before I Rebuild My Marriage” says Trump

This Halloween, Make Your Cooking Extra Spooky by Only Using Expired Ingredients

Washington Post Changes Slogan to “Democracy Dies If You Use an Ad Blocker”

Jackie Chan Picks Up End Table at Furniture Store, Nearby Ruffians Run in Fear

US Gives Argentina 40 Billion Dollars in Exchange for a News Headline

After Robbery, Louvre Manager Reassures Us the Real Priceless Artifacts Are the Friends We Made Along the Way