Maybe if we spell it guillo-teen they'll willingly stick their heads in it

He would have made one for all of us if we had just elected him

A sequel to Children of Men called Adult Sons of Men

The thing about Twizzlers is you have to get so far in the chewing process before your brain accepts them as food

James Cameron approaching the whiteboard in a room full of executives: Melania$

The cool thing about Catherine O’Hara is that she just kept getting better. Her heyday as a comedic force was whatever day it was.

I take solace in the fact that these losers will never know what it feels like to have sex with someone who genuinely wants to have sex with you

Using a theater showing Melania as a WeWork for the day

It’s so funny that QAnon was almost right about all of it

My daughters, I want you to know when this nation faced its darkest hour, a cabal of pedophile billionaires and their technofascist partners created an extrajudicial police force to trample on citizens as those in power reshuffled the world order for the worse, your father never once stopped posting

Turns out “where we go one, we go all” was about Epstein’s island

The execution of Alex Pretti is playing so badly because you can look at his actions and life story - his last act was helping, boy scout, athlete, health care worker to veterans - and compare those to the men who killed him and know which you would want to be your son, brother, father, uncle.

Personally I think Whitney didn’t go far enough. Daniel Tiger, come catch these hands. Cocomelon JJ, come get stomped out too. Mom from Bebe Finn, you’re a dime and I love you, answer my DMS.

The worst of us are gunning down the best of us in service of the richest of us

Minneapolis should get to host our Nuremberg

Not great that the American word for triangle is dorito shaped nypost.com/2026/01/23/u...

Calling someone’s job dirty is a Mike Rowe aggression. (Someone must have made this joke back when it was relevant right?)

This is like directly from a comic book montage when the evil genius becomes a supervillain.

The Muellerfication of Jerome Powell by the Coward Resist Bots

Grok is making on demand child porn but X is still on the App Stores because Apple/Google are all in on AI and they’re business buds with Elon. I’m not sure how you handle the two biggest companies in the world telling us, “We’re ok with child porn IF it helps train AI.”

*My wife walks in on me clearly having sex with someone* Me: Let's wait for all the facts come out.

We go live now to the leader of the democratic party, a bowl of tepid matzah ball soup that can express disappointment in its Republican colleagues.

Therapist: So what brings you into the office Mr.... Killmonger? deadline.com/2026/01/mich...

This op was criminal and shortsighted but flawlessly executed. The people who pulled this off could for sure make a high-profile inmate murder look like a suicide.

Our foreign policy is memes

Trying to tell these kids I listened to BLACKPINK twenty years ago

When you really want the Paul Dano tea

Marty/Marty Supreme

This is basically the act of hubris-before-the-fall from every Greek tragedy

Your marriage will propel you to the peak of power but every decade your husband will embarrass you in a ways so deeply they’re usually reserved for finance guys who pay for it.

What I like about San Francisco is that it has a unique and specific culture. What I hate about San Francisco is its unique and specific culture.

“People who don’t learn history are doomed to repeat it” is bullshit. The truth is, people who learn history are doomed to watch it repeat and repeat and repeat.

I get so mad when companies jam AI down our throats even though nobody wants it or asks for it. Then I unironically post another stand up clip.

Hackers got access to Pornhub user history so just to get ahead of embarrassment here’s my top 3 searches: 1. Respecting Women 2. Filling the Wage Gap 3. Desperate MILF gets help with childcare

My new special Positive Reinforcement didn't make any prestigious end-of-year lists for me to post about, but I am really proud of it, and I think you'd like it if you haven't seen it yet! :)

Paramount already has Landman. They can’t buy WB and get Aquaman too. That’s clearly unconstitutional.

I just remembered that Will Smith Netflix movie that was like Lord of the Rings meets Crash and they put the Orcs in fubu jerseys so you knew they were black

When my wife asks if I remembered to change over the laundry

ATTN SAUDI FINANCIERS, I HAVE SCRIPTS READY TO GO: 10 Things I Hate About Jews MeccaGodzilla The Fasting and Furious (A Ramadan Classic) Easy Riyadher The Side Dish of the Lambs Dial MBS for Murder The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill But Used A Bone Saw to Dismember an American Journalist

Men and women are teaming up to create Organic Intelligence that can work countless jobs with a "human touch" that customers crave.

The absolute goat of died doing what he loved people.com/man-who-foun...

Thank you for correcting me Jeff www.washingtonpost.com/business/202...

I will fistfight anyone who wears this

Oh cool The Dodo posted about your mom

He’s the secretary of health and human services but he sexts like the secretary of agriculture.

It’s like I always say, you can’t spell bamboozled by your former child actor pseudo journalist fiancé without “bamboo.”

Lizza’s friends in 2023 “I don’t wanna pry but it seems like your anger isn’t really about the bamboo?”

From the administration that brought you Pizzagate it’s Lizzagate

Ryan Lizza writing like, “I grew suspicious when I found a note that said ‘I want you to suck the worm out my brain’”

Gearing up for my Thanksgiving crowd work special where I use a turkey leg as mic