Taylor making Haim break the news that they only got three tickets as I stand beaming with excitement in my Richard Knickson shirt

Every bookstore I browse now has a “trending” table covered in paperbacks that are all variations on the story, “I got fucked on vacation”

10 days apart

We’re living in a time where every week you could write a new We Didn’t Start The Fire using only the events from that week.

Me: *Trying to scroll to the bottom of an IG message from an ex coworker I haven’t talked to in years. Instagram: Oh hell yeah, turning on disappearing mode. Time to get nasty you little freak. I’ll notify the other person that you want disappearing mode so they know you’re a hot horny freak.

Father of a 1 and 3-year-old here. You’re about to get peed on a lot. I wouldn’t do it recreationally in advance.

My phone is basically a kaleidoscope that makes me mad a few times a day

It's kinda funny that the all powerful jedis and siths would fall apart if one regular ass gun showed up in the star wars universe.

I love the pope going at AI like, "Hey, telling people the next iteration of our product will change everything and never delivering it is OUR thing!"

So much easier to sell this line of bullshit when you have a Department of Defense and not a Department of War

Civility is in you! From the president who famously talked out his differences with Americans that opposed him

When you skip your credit card bill and realize why it’s called Chase bank

I’m a serious person with serious opinions. Here’s why I’m endorsing Puck for Governor.

NYC please come! Sept 26. Tix in bio.

If you liked Yellowstone, Before Yellowstone, Other Yellowstone, Yellowstone Adjacent, Yellowstone Nights, and Yelllowstone Las Vegas, then you’re gonna love Here’s Even More Yellowstone You Ugly Moron.

Looking for volunteers for my daughter’s elementary school career day. We already have someone to talk about Onlyfans and someone to talk about betting on Kalshi so we just need someone who can teach the kids about Molotov Cocktails.

Jeff Bezos's (networth $280 Billion) newspaper would like to congratulate Google ($4.6 Trillion Market Cap) for standing up to its employees www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/202...

I can’t with the way kids are raised today. When we were growing up, we used to: Drink from the hose Ride bikes Get abducted Chase lizards Get trafficked across state lines Run around barefoot Stay out till dark Told our new name is Bryan and if we yell for help Garry will fucking kill us Dodgeball

The breakout stars of the year so far are gay hockey and gay baseball

If you had a shred of hope that tv writing jobs were coming back, this oughta fix it.

I learned how to use edits and now I’m completely insufferable

“You’re sure you’re Abe Froman??”

Life right now feels like being on United 93, you know you’re fucked, but at least some people, good people, brave people are standing up and saying, “fuck it, if we’re going down, we’re going down with a fight,” and I’m sitting in the back trying desperately to edit one last clip.

Look, you guys know I try to keep things highbrow, but I really had no choice here. I am but a vessel for the truth.

If I sat down in 2007 to write a movie about a near-future dystopia, one of the funny gags I would do is make Spencer Pratt the mayor of Los Angeles.

I didn’t get it at first but now that I do I can confidently say, Erika Kirk is the last great performance artist.

I am haunted almost daily by the auto-pays I set up back when I was making TV writer money.

I'm sorry what was the point if the revolutionary war if we're still letting the king of england fuck up my commute? www.nytimes.com/2026/04/29/u...

I knew Kristi Noem would land a new gig fast www.dailymail.com/sciencetech/...

I used to type out my texts and correct everything AutoCorrect missed. Now I use talk to text, fully erase it because it’s indecipherable, use talk to text again, but louder, go back and fix any mistakes, then fix the mistakes AutoCorrect made while I was fixing the mistakes. Technology is amazing!

OK, this would actually be a pretty good fight

Generative AI is here to stay so either get left behind or learn to suck your own dick and move to a remote cave like I did

This is what all stand-up clips look like now. We built the world we deserve.

This is why I always preach the importance of moderationmaxxing

I hope everybody is mentally prepared for Kalshi presents The Swalwell That Ends Well podcast next month

Alright bruv I fink I’m gonna tune in innit

All movie news is like Harry Potter will return in Avengers: The Hunger Games

This Jack Harlow dogpile is only going to make him release the worst pop-punk album you’ve ever heard.

Instead of feuding, maybe the pope and the president should focus on their actual jobs, running cover for a cabal of pedophiles.

I feel like the idea of the omnipotent, omnipresent, all-knowing, Almighty being falls apart if it can’t spell strawberry www.nytimes.com/2026/01/23/s...

Trump and Rubio were at UFC tonight while JD Vance was in Pakistan doing the most UFC thing of all - getting dominated by a Muslim.

The most shocking part of Sinners is that some Brooklyn white dude hasn’t opened a Juke Joint for other Brooklyn white kids yet.

Popped into CVS for 5 minutes, forgot to lock my car, came back and now there’s a sold out Shen Yun in there. I can’t even get tickets.

No force on earth can stop a man from podcasting

I’m gonna change your life. Get ready to level up, men.

Perfect time to rewatch 300, a movie about war worshipping idiots/terrible diplomats who get decimated by Persians but frame it as a win.

Byron Allen should double his money and charge comedians to be on comics unleashed

*Extreme Byron Allen voice* Now network tv, I understand you’re a dying medium?

I know the economy is bad because I go to porn sites and type in stuff like “travel”

OPEN THE FUCKIN’ STRAIT